Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

Don't over think it. I had the same - single mum, 3 bed semi using inheritance to pay for private. Our house is not "modernised" shall we say and I do all the internal painting, gardening, cleaning and DIY myself so it's not immaculate. Kids might mention that they like the "old style" but they don't really come to look at the walls! If you are really worried you don't have to host at home. I don't think I'd feel comfortable having parents over but kids keep themselves busy. Dd's friends are wide ranging with some shop owners mixed in with Diplomats and various Barristers and presumably people like me who would rather spend money left to them on education than other things. The kids will be friends for life and they really don't care.

Do they really talk about the husband’s salary?? 😱
As my DM would have said, ‘How frightfully vulgar!’

Stop dramatising, they'll be perfectly happy with their DC socialising with two doctors DC. You are massively overthinking it. If your child was on a bursary and you lived in a council flat, then I'd hear you. Trust me you are perfectly respectable.

This is you:

Oh my goodness. Have a bit more confidence. We are much poorer than our friends-but my sons best friend used to love coming to my modest little house for a sleepover just as much as my son used to love his ginormous house with stables, pony and land to roam. Your kid’s friend likes him because he’s fun not because of where he lives. My friend’s daughter is an investment banker but she still enjoys our company. You are being ridiculous-if it bothers you that much, go and be a GP in a run down area and then you can feel good because all your kids’ friends are poor.

On the flip side. My sister always invited her kids friends over but when kids were younger they rarely got reciprocal invites. They live in a very nice place and I think she was worried people didn’t invite back for the exact reason you are nervous. She is lovely and completely non judgemental and would have liked a few more invites for her kids. No idea if the family you are talking about might feel the same. Ultimately I would invite. If they turn out to be snobby and look down their nose at you, then don’t invite again and you’ll be better off. However they may be lovely.

The children really don't care! My son had lots of friends (particularly at secondary) - some lived in scruffy terraces, some in huge houses with circular drives etc. Our house was like yours - a 3 bed semi. Just be welcoming and kind.

Well said - being a doctor absolutely brings social capital! I say this having worked in finance for several years - finance people like to think of themselves as being "on par" with doctors (and lawyers), but I think there's an unspoken rule that we're actually below you guys on the social/educational hierarchy... maybe the grandstanding about salaries is driven by insecurity, as other PP have suggested? Not that it excuses it - how awful!

Yes, the poorer people should just suck it up, shouldn’t they 🙄. And these are exactly the ones who are unfairly penalised by the VAT that Labour has slapped onto their school fees, meaning many of them are now struggling just to avoid pulling their children out of school and placing them in a completely different one, away from the friendships they’ve made and the teachers they know.

My kids went to a fee paying school - everyone from local plumbers to tech billionaires and Hollywood A Listers had kids there. One of the latter hosted the prom at their estate and there were lots of battered tradesmen’s vans alongside the ranger rovers picking up drunk 16 yos at 2am. I can honestly say that parents truly don’t judge each others homes unless they are on MN - you’re a GP, an educated professional, sending your child to the same school as them. You share similar values with respect to your children’s education and wellbeing. You’ll not be judged as ‘less than’ - and, and I mean this, the kids really do not notice or care about the differences in wealth. This post says more about your own insecurities (and I do understand them as we had similar quibbles when we decided to go down this route) than the likelihood any judgement on the part of the other family.

The only thing that will reflect badly on your child and carry with them throughout school will be the perceived sleight that you don’t have the manners to reciprocate play dates, not the size of your home. Honestly, you need to park any insecurity and invite this child back to yours. Get the cleaner in in advance, buy something special for tea if you need to, but the kids just want to hang out and play together.

This post is sad and ridiculous. This world is sad where people like you think they have problems. Should we do go fund me for you and your husband as you earn so little?

.

It doesn't matter - the only problem is that you are worrying about it!

When I was young we became friendly with a rich boy and he used to come and slum it in our normal home sometimes - and he loved it! One day he was there when my mum was making cakes and he was allowed to scrape the mixture out of the bowl - he gobbled it down and said he never got to do such things when he was at home.

What is it that you fear will happen? - ostracized by the other parents? Does it matter?

It is important that your child does not feel you are ashamed of who you are.

My GD had a scholarship to a fee-paying school where she did brilliantly, but has chosen to go to 6th Form college because, although she did well and was not unhappy, she did not feel quite comfortable where she was - she really feels she has found her tribe now and is thriving.

I can't begin to imagine what it is you are worrying about!

Also, probably worth saying, my ex grew up with lots of wealthier families. He was by far the "poorer" however you know where the kids were comfortable? Where they all spent their Saturday evenings?
Their house was the hub of their sons friendship group, nothing was flashy, but they were comfortable and well fed whilst there.

As teens and early 20s, they chose MIL and FILs house, over their much more plush set ups at home because the environment was welcoming. Recreate that.

What's the end game here, OP?

We all have our insecurities so I'm not saying you're unreasonable to be perturbed at the thought of reciprocating, but ultimately you have to think of the impact on your child if she becomes known as the kid who's parents won't facilitate friendships for her with any children who come from families who are wealthier than hers. And considering you've chosen to send her to an elite institution, I imagine quite a few of her classmates would fall into this category?

It's generally considered impolite to expect one set of parents to always be the ones hosting the playdates. So there's a risk if you continue down this path that your child will get a reputation for having rude parents or even worse, judgy parents if anyone specifically notices that you welcome playdates only with children from the same socioeconomic background as you. Will this lead to your daughter being known as the 'poor kid' (even though you objectively have a very comfortable quality of life!)? Will it lead to her being one of only a few kids not invited to the super rich kids' houses, parties, etc.? Will other children naturally be bonding with each other more outside of school on playdates, so your child isn't considered a close friend and included in things while in school?

Obviously I'm speculating here and am not saying all the above would definitely happen, but if you purposefully single your child out as different to the other children, I don't think you can be surprised if the children then start doing the same thing. You've chosen to put her in this environment so I don't think it's fair now to limit her friendship options because of your own insecurities.

If you don’t really click I’d leave it. Or wait a while then just take the kid somewhere nice. However, if you have your child in a school with v wealthy people this situation will come up again. There is a good argument for getting comfortable with being uncomfortable (ie inviting them over!)

We sent the DCs to private schools and although they were young, told them that some children would be from families who had a lot more money than us, bigger houses cars etc.
we said we couldn’t compete and wouldn’t try.
apart from one playdate at a huge place when dc asked afterwards why we didn’t have “land” , it was ok.

OP you're being silly.

When my DC started at their prep we had a 8 bed home with a cottage and barn. I became ill and we had to radically downsize. I was the big earner but we're both council house kids.
The DH went to grammar school, I to Oxford. We've got quite a few friends who are doctors and our youngest is a trainee clinical psychologist.

I agree with the previous poster, no one expects doctors to be super rich. It's a given that you're super clever!
And let me tell you having worked in finance you don't want that life. You burn out at 50.

My DC have friends from all walks of life now they're grown up. They range from heirs of drinks companies to the school cleaners daughter. And the richest people drive the crappiest cars.

I'll be honest in a lot of circles I suspect people would be in awe of you and your husband's jobs and general education - it's all relative. When I was at school the friend with the nicest house had doctor parents. Hold your head high, invite them to yours, and if they choose not to come to yours in the future that's on them.

In state schools, it’s the doctors who are the top trumps! They look down on everyone else and their dc don’t play with dc from social housing! We, as the op suggests, prefer our self imposed strata. In this school, op cannot get to be top dog on the earnings front but has other superior features! They are both doctors! So walk on water.

One of the choices you made when you sent your child to this school is that these people will be her classmates and peers. Surely you knew that? Part of the job of being a parent, particularly for primary aged children, is to facilitate their friendships.

Be confident in your choices. You chose medicine when I’m sure you could have gone into finance. You chose private school over other options. How would you feel if your daughter made friends with someone whose parents wouldn’t let them play together because they were intimidated by the fact that you’re a doctor?

This ^. And , thank you for your service x

Why will they be judging you? You are both Drs. Do the play date in your own way and be proud of what you do have.

Most people, rich or poor, just want their kids to have nice friends and manage playdates etc with parents who aren't completely unhinged. If your house is reasonably clean and inviting then you've done what you need to to facilitate a friendship. I'm not sure what you expected when you chose to send your child to private school. Surely you realised that even most middle class people can't afford to do this any more in the UK. If you are this concerned about social status your only real option is to send your child to state school and hire a tutor if needed.

I agree with your husband and also, you will be punishing your child by making it harder for them to develop and keep natural friendships by trying to limit their friends to those with the right sort of family according to you.