Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

OP please go ahead with the play date and put your worries aside for the sake of the children.
We currently live in one of the ‘bigger’ houses and when we have play dates parents say things like “oh we must get a bigger house”, “oh you can’t come to mine with a house like this”. My children don’t often get invites back and they are the loveliest kind children. I find myself wondering if the parents think they’ll be judged? For context I grew up in a council house and I don’t care if you live in a cardboard box if you’re a decent human being and my children like playing with yours. I’ve been on both ends of the scale and you can’t win. Facilitate the play date and be proud of your achievements - you are a GP and the respect for doing that job goes way beyond any mansion!

Absolutely completely irrelevant how wealthy people are. What matters is how decent and kind they are. There are wankers from literally every walk of life - I know, I’ve met loads 😂- and I’ll start by not judging anyone for their circumstances, money or no money.

Yes please do it for your kids. I was the ‘poor’ kid in a rich school ( had scholarship type thing) and my two best friends parents were rich ( Tatler rich) . They were always very kind to me and if my parents had not allowed / fostered the friendship
s ( we took my friends away with us on holidays ) I would have missed out on friends for life.. their parents also helped me a lot with advice when it got to University and careers etc that my parents weren’t able to help with

We have found the super rich to be very kind. One family member of theirs from overseas was questioning the girls about their schools and the mum told him the only reason they hadn’t chosen dds school for their dd was an entirely made up reason. Like hell would their child have ever gone to dds school 😀. Fair enough!

Dd has had incredible experiences because of this family and has met very interesting people.

Think some of my friends who have gone private are quite pissed off at state school dds social circle - I know they are actually as they have said as much in jest!

I can’t stand people like this. I wouldn’t want to be friends with them, it’s a shame your children mix. It’s all very ‘I’m incredibly richer than youuuuu’

Wow - this post really is the definition of mo money mo problems

I didn’t mean “nicer” as in having more money. I meant “nicer” as in “nicer”! The parents the OP is talking about sound vile.

I would say reciprocate the playdate. Remember even though the parents are wealthy now, there is a good chance that they may not have grown up in a family with wealth and likely therefore won't judge at all. If they do judge, then that is awful but says more about them than it does about you. You deservedly hold one of the most well respected professions that there is. Its not your fault that society is skewed when it comes to certain jobs being better financially compensated than others.

I know you didn’t. As I said, the personality of the parents wasn’t a consideration for us when choosing our child’s independent school. And my second point was that why would anyone think that parents who choose to send their children to independent schools (ergo, those with more money) would be nicer than anyone else?

So we are exactly the same as you (substitute doctors for dentists) Our kids have friends with massive houses, pools, horses. Parents have always been really welcoming. We've had plenty of sleepovers and playdates at our very ordinary house over the years and never once felt judged. Don't overthink it.

I totally understand OP… Hubby & I married when we were very young. All of DD’s friends’ parents were much older than us therefore further up the property ladder etc and I used to feel rubbish going to their huge houses, then inviting them all back to our teensy 2 bedroomed semi. But these were DD’s friends, so we invited them back to ours in order to foster/maintain her friendships. The parents were always very gracious. No idea if we were ever talked about. DD is now 30, married herself, and those primary school friends were her bridesmaids. Ultimately where you live is not as important as HOW you live. I think you and your husband are inspirational. You prioritised your children’s’ education, when you could have used your salary for a different lifestyle. (Also thank you for all you do… Drs don’t get paid enough, and GPs get a terrible press lately. There’s not enough of you)

@daddysgirlnot Honestly - could you creep more? Do you know which degree gives the best salary return of all? Yes, it’s medicine. (Source IFS). They rarely have the financial jeopardy of being out of work. Great part time opportunities - try running a growing business part time! All those opportunities abroad and working in private medicine. And the pensions! Gold plated and the best and mostly paid for by the rest of us. Striking is pissing people off after a huge pay rise last summer. And, yes they can afford a private school! These underpaid poor folk! Honestly!

Agreed… I have a few GP friends/acquaintances and they’re all loaded, all work part time and all their kids go to private school!

Yep I was thinking similar - DS goes to a state school with a high proportion of FSM, but plays rugby and tennis with private school kids (and state school kids as well obviously).

I have only heard boasting about money from the private school dads. It’s a minority of the dads, and never from the mums (who are lovely).

Nobody at state school ever goes anywhere near the subject. Maybe because there is such a wide disparity of incomes at the state school that whatever you say you’ll sound braggy to some people and gauche to others? Whereas maybe private school parents assume everyone is at a similar level so feel free to boast about their bonuses. Or maybe those dads are just twats, who knows.

Weirdly, I found the exact opposite. When mine were at state school, the wealthier parents were far more vocal about their wealth. It was like a big fish, small pond thing. We moved ours to an independent school and since then I haven’t encountered any boasting/money talk. People just seem to get on with it.

But what I find interesting about this thread is lots of people at private schools seem to have inferiority complexes - whether other parents are boasting about their wealth or not. Embarrassed by their own cars etc … It doesn’t sound like OP’s friends have been boasting about - they just happen to be wealthy.

I guess if somebody isn’t used to feeling poor (because they aren’t!), then suddenly being “the poor person” in a social situation is probably quite discomfiting.

DH used to work for a fintech start up which had various multi-millionaire venture capitalists funding it. Without exception these incredibly rich people felt “poor” and hard done by because they were comparing themselves to billionaires with super-yachts and private jets. Comparison is the thief of joy.

OP, they really won't care what your house is like and how would you know how many bedrooms their house has - did you go around counting them? Just don't worry about anything like this.

OP my ds went to private school. Everyone lived in big houses, we lived in a flat. Believe it or not all his friends always gathered at ours. I hosted numerous sleepovers in our living room as DS bedroom was too small for it and kids loved it. What I do suggest is that you reciprocate with playdate, not lunch with parents. I did that - I invited his friends one by one for play date and mentioned to parents they can stay for some coffee and cakes, then drop off a child and pick them up in a few hours. Less pressure, less time spent on general chit chat and you set your own ways instead of trying to copy them.

Oh it's easily done. I live in a 5 bed detached house which, objectively, is lovely, but it's one of the (if not the)
smallest/cheapest houses out of of all my kids' friends, and it feels small now. When that's what you're surrounded by, it's easy to lose perspective.

Yes, I agree with this. I've not heard anything boasting about wealth whatsoever at my sons' school. People are just very matter of fact about it.

My 3 kids are at a fee-paying school and we have a nice house. We both work full-time but I would honestly be in awe of you both, being physicians. 😍 Seriously, it was my dream career but I ended up in business.

Nothing but massive respect and admiration from me.

Ugh! That would put me right off. They sound vulgar, materialistic and shallow.

You’re wise to keep them at arm’s length.

A friend whose child started at private school recounted the wealth level of the other families when describing them which was not like her and I’d never heard her or any parent say in general conversations with state school parents over the many years mine were there. It was clearly on her radar and what they talked about. Found it weird tbh.