Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

You should examine your prejudice. Just because they are money focused doesn’t mean they will judge you for having a 3 bed house. Do you judge people for having 2 bed houses? maybe you are projecting somehow? Rich people are fully aware that most salaries don’t pay as well as their own.

They’re perfectly nice but it’s small talk really I don’t think I see us becoming close friends, for no big reason just that we don’t really click.

Be happy and confident with what you have. One of my friends who felt like you didn’t reciprocate play dates for a couple of years due to her feeling similar to you. But this was her issue and not mine. Now she is very comfortable having me in her house.

It is awkward if you can’t reciprocate. But you need to decide if you care enough about having an ongoing relationship with these parents. If not, don’t bother and hang out with the more down to earth people.

(also people who are truly wealthy don’t gloat about it)

We’ve got a big house, like the one you’re describing. I’d be totally mortified if someone didn’t want to reciprocate because they thought we’d be snobby about their house or income!

Just invite them and if they sit there boasting about their income don’t invite them again as they’re not very nice people.

I think a lot of people are judging these people by their own standards...just because you wouldn't judge someone, doesn't mean everyone is like that. If the op really clicked with them and they were the type to not discuss their wealth publicly I'd say go for it, it will be fine. But how the ops describing it, no I wouldn't have a reciprocal playdate.

We had a playdate with a girl in dds class...she was very sweet and polite but genuinely flabbergasted that we only had one car. They have five.

Pros and cons to private schooling. This is probably partially what you’re paying for, mingling with the elite? It wouldn’t be for me, I prefer having a normal cross section of society around our family.

Wealth DOES divide people, however much we like to say it shouldn’t.

Great advice. I’d suggest renting for a few weeks. Get a few play dates in and mention your future renovation. Maybe take a few boxes to show you’ve started packing. ‘Move’ to your 3 bed semi indefinitely.

so really…. This is life. If they’re classy they’d never say a word! If they’re not… well you don’t need to worry about that. You’ve got great jobs to talk about, they’ll love being friends with people they do worthy work.

You could have the reciprocal playdate somewhere like a petting farm, or soft play, or similar. Not at your house. If that would make you more comfortable.

I think you do need to reciprocate op. They will think more negative things if they feel you are rude than if you live in a smaller house.

HOWEVER, don't feel you need to "repay" like for like. That was their gesture because they probably have plenty of cleaning help and a great venue for that style of hosting. It's your call to host as you wish. No harm in offering a lovely trip to the other child to the theatre and a grown up cream tea. Or cinema or whatever you think the children would really enjoy.

People can't force you to do things their way just by doing it first. Choose what works for you and offer hospitality your way.

The irony here is that you're assuming a lot and judging them.

It’s tricky as despite not clicking, they extended and you accepted a whole family invite to lunch. That says to me they are showing off somewhat.

When my son was young he had a friend who lived in a mansion, in be a road of mansions and a mix of professionals and sports people as neighbours The difference was the dad was a builder and built the house himself, the parents both came from working class background and whilst they were rightly proud of what they’d built up, they weren’t showy or in any judgmental of those with less. We did have a genuine friendship with the parents.

I’m not sure reciprocation will be expected with this family, if you don’t click.

Quite honestly the last thing I would want to do is socialise with people who talk about their house and the husband’s salary like you have said - they sound extremely shallow and vulgar. I would just invite thwir children for tea after school and not have the parents round. Life’s too short to waste your time socialising with people like that.

You are waaaay overthinking this.

Have their kid to tea if yours get on. No need to reciprocate with the parental invite if they are not your bag. You can't gel with everyone. "Thank you so much for lunch, it was lovely. Can Matilda come to tea next week? How does Thursday sound?"

Likely they're boastful because they feel insecure compared to your career status.

YABVU. My DS was friends with child of multi millionaire household name couple and I never considered our 1930s semi an embarrassment.

It really is all in your head.

My son was friendly with a famous writer’s son. Went to his house came back slightly awe struck: pool, two kitchens, housekeeper etc ( he was about 7/8). The boy’s birthday parties were legendary. Anyway what can you do? You don’t have to impress the parents, they are hopefully not so stuck up that they can’t recognise people live on different budgets!
I have also been in the other end - not ‘rich’ but I had a big detached house and my DDs good friend was in a small terrace and had to share a room either her grandmother. I think they earned more than me but had different priorities, but from the outside it looked like a big difference. Anyway the kids didn’t care and neither did us grownups!

But you are doctors!! Don’t under estimate the social capital that brings… They might be multi millionaires but everyone respects doctors and are proud to have doctor connections.

In all seriousness though, please don’t worry about it. My DD goes to a prep where half her class seem to work at JP Morgan. But there are also others who are living in normal houses and make sacrifices to prioritise education in their lives. It’s fine!

This is one of the most bonkers posts I have seen here. 😂

Yes it would make a great C5 drama series.

My kids are at independent schools. It’s a massive stretch for us financially, and we live in a bog standard house with a 20 year old kitchen that desperately needs replacing.
Ive always hosted play dates, and I’ve never had the impression that people are judging us for our house. And if they did, they wouldn’t be the sort of people I’d want to associate with anyway. My house is clean and welcoming, and that’s all I’m bothered about.

I find people who are boastful are not confident in themselves, and people who did not grow up wealthy are usually like this too. Good for them for having money however they got it, you and your husband are doctors they maybe feel inferior to you.
You will have this issue all through your dc school life if they are in that type of school, so you should start as you mean to go on hold your head high and invite them round. You’ll soon find out who is a decent person

@partytimed I think your issue is that you have stepped out of your self imposed box and don’t like what you see. Did you think there would not be rich people at the school? Plenty who find the fees in their back pockets? We always used to say, “if you cannot stand the heat, get out of the fire”. You obviously have separated yourself out from wealthier people and know your station in life and the school heirarchy. I think, deep down, you think you are better than these people and they have no right to be pleased about their success. That feels a bit off to me. A doctor near me educated dc privately and he’s the most obnoxious snob I know!

So delving deeper; why do you think they cannot have a nice lunch with you? I’m assuming they didn’t invite you round to just show you their house? Did they do it because your dc get on? That seems reasonable.

My DD visited a family who were in the top 100 wealthiest in the country at school and went on holiday with them . Not that we did lunches for parents but I think you should reciprocate and get over yourself. You will come across as mean and jealous if you don’t. Plus, it could be this family have done well from absolutely nothing. It’s probably novel to them. They definitely aren’t old money are they? Maybe they are decent enough people and you obviously have dc in common! I really cannot see why doctors cannot talk to anyone! Although my neighbour would talk down to anyone! Would you feel like this about rich patients? These people presumably pay tax that keeps you employed? Or pay fees that provide private work for many doctors! I’d cut them some slack and put your prejudices away for a bit.

Many ppl will assume that you on 2x drs salaries are wealthy. Its all relative. Invite the kid back.

A friend has her dc in a private school - there are some show offy twats in the playground, she styles it out. Invents ludicrous stories to compete with the mega holidays..

My (one) old-money rich friend is the loveliest, most thoughtful person I know. She very down to earth although we acknowledge our earths are a bit different!

When I met her crowd, I admit I felt inferior in some ways, but like in ANY group, it didn’t take long to settle in and realise that the things that matter most are not material possessions.

We were mum friends and everyone was having the same worries about their kids - rich or poor - spending enough time with them; screen time; child’s confidence; friendships. I had a cool job at the time (one that took some courage) and some of the group were definitely intrigued - I’d go as far as saying impressed - and your job will create a similar impression. However, I didn’t need annyone to be impressed, I wasn’t talking about topics to get reactions, I was just being myself. I also had some heartfelt conversations with a couple of the wealthy friends about their fear around loss of identity having been out of the workforce for so long. So, the themes of worry were often the same, but the level of comfort they sat in while worried differed.

As a PP said, someone has to be the poorest, well, this time it’s you. It’s all relative isn’t it. My advice would be to recognise your feelings and do a bit of reflecting. What’s the problem with being the ‘poorest’? How might this feeling impact how you interact with the “the poorest” from your own world?

I’d have the play date and continue with an open mind and welcome the child as you would any of your child’s friends. Be who you are, authentically. Your DC is mixing in this world now, it would be good for you to examine your feelings and face the discomfort for their sake.

Listen, you say you're happy with your choice so it's time to put your (lack of) money where your mouth is. Your kid has to live in these dynamics every single day so you can do it for one lunch, proudly and unapologetically. Model the right approach to your children or don't send them private, because you are creating an inner conflict for them to untangle later by behaving as if it's awkward that you have less money than their peers.

I wouldn’t worry. They will probably discreetly take you aside at some moment and say

“ Can I ask you about something a bit personal? I don’t want to bother my own doctor about it because it will cost me squllions , but would value your free advice.”