Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

Would you judge someone if your child went on a playdate with a friend who lived in a two bed flat? They are probably just pleased their child has made a friend.

Your child is friends with their child. You don't have to be their friends. People can only make u feel inferior if u value their opinion. You are both GPs. I would be in awe of u.

This happened to me and DD when she was about 3. The family had a v-a-s-t house, so big I almost turned on my heel and left. The kids played in a huge, dedicated playroom that had slides, ballpit. I usually quite unruffled but felt awkward about returning the play date. So didn’t. I guess that’s how society becomes stratified

@partytimed i think you should act on your intuition then and not reciprocate. If DH thinks it’s rude not to, let him organise and host etc.

I haven't RTFT, but just wanted to speak from the POV of a "richer" parent in this scenario:

My DS had a great friend, "Adam," when he was in primary school. We had Adam over for many playdates; he was a really nice kid and he and DS got on very well.

Never, ever did DS get invited back to Adam's house. (DS was a very inoffensive and well-behaved kid, so it wasn't that. Other parents used to comment on his good manners when they'd had him over for playdates.)

One time we were dropping something off at Adam's house and DS was SO EXCITED just to see the outside of Adam's house and see Adam waving out of the window. It broke my heart so much that I later had a slightly awkward conversation with Adam's (very nice) mum where I mentioned how much DS would love to have a playdate at Adam's house sometime. Later that month they had a playdate there and apparently had an awesome time. There was never another playdate there, though.

No idea whether this was the reason, but Adam's house was weeny compared with ours. DS obviously didn't care (what kid does?) and nor did I. It wasn't till long afterwards that I read a similar thread to this one on Mumsnet that I started thinking that maybe Adam's family did care, and that had been the reason. Bluntly, we just had a lot more income and property than them (they worked in very cool but low-paying arty jobs).

Anyway, whatever the reason, what I really remember from that time is how sad it was for DS never to go to his best friend's house, and how massively happy he was when he finally got to go there. It was incredibly touching how made up he was to finally see Adam's bedroom! and Adam's books! and meet Adam's cat!!

So maybe the parents of your kid's friend are a bit money-orientated or snobby (or maybe not). But I've got to put in a word here for your kid's friend. I'm pretty sure he would love to come to your house and it might mean a lot to him if you invited him.

Only read OP's posts.

What a bore talking about their salaries and their fancy house.
Good for them. If I had any hint someone looked down on me for living in a 2 bed terrace I would not be drawn into any sort of friendship and I would gladly tell my kids (in an appropriate way).

but I do care if my child isn’t included or reciprocated because their parents feel insecure.

I think this is what it boils down to op: they will mind this more than a lack of bedrooms.

If people judge you by your net worth or the size of your house, would you really want them as friends?

You are obviously super successful and clever to be doctors.

I’m sure there are many people in your DC’s school who would recognise this. Those who don’t aren’t worth bothering with.

Make the playdate somewhere that money is irrelevant, like a hike in a local country park, or geocaching somewhere a bit wild

I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school.

Jesus. The school sounds awful.

"Ohhh, Toby went to Bob's house and gosh....you wouldn't believe how SMALL it was. Of course they're just a GP and doctor so they must struggle."

you really need to not live in the shadow of what you think might be other people’s judgements. Why would they judge you for having a smaller house. I went to school with kids who lived in huge houses in the posh part of town and it never occurred to me that they were looking down on my. Don’t invite the whole family back - why not just invite the child over or take both kids out for the afternoon .
years ago I paid school fees for a young woman and I said in the holiday she could have her friends round to my house (she didn’t have anywhere to live) and she said no way she was far too embarrassed as I lived in a hovel. I did live in a hovel. I was very bemused.

It’s like a different world on here sometimes!

They are kids, they’ll get along fine. Stop overthinking it - big girl pants time!

We have had this for years. Dd at state but is best friends with the Dd of an internationally wealthy family their dd at the local public school. Their family are unfailingly kind to her and she has been on some fantastic trips with them. Go with it but instill your own values.

I think you are being silly. Maybe a well off SAHM with no career would feel inferior to a woman who was a doctor. But you shouldn't let these feelings stop you from accepting invitations.

You absolutely need to reciprocate! I would be so much more impressed by DD having a friend with doctor parents than a friend who lived in a mansion by the way. GPs are also very sought after as friends haha.

My child was friends with one whose family were old school landed gentry - estates, aristocratic connections, big London house etc. they were charming and polite. The children played together, we parents chatted a pick up time and shared the odd cup of tea, it was fine. It’s not a big deal. There’s always someone richer or poorer than you, don’t be the person who makes it matter to the children

I'm trying to nod along with this post because I agree with the general sentiment that is (I think) that the money doesn't matter to the children.

But it is written in such a way that it's all so very heart-breaking for your immaculately-behaved DS with his big house who just wanted to have his own way and see INSIDE as well as outside - no empathy at all for how the parent - or even the other child - might have felt.

I agree that it is as well to let children just get on with it, but honestly, there are more "heart-breaking" tales than a child being happy to see their friend wave out the window. I mean, by your own admission, he was happy about it.

Ugh this really irritates me. We live in one of the “big houses” in our area and I would never dream of looking down on people living in smaller houses. There was definitely a lot of reverse snobbery on their part though and I do think it affected friendships for both me and DD which makes me sad as I was so keen to be friends with them.

Don’t do yourself down! You’re both doctors for heavens sake! They may be wealthier, but you may be more intelligent or kinder or better educated.

It’s not a competition, they wouldn’t have invited you if they didn’t like you or want to get to know you.

Be proud of what you have done, and all you have achieved.

Absolutely this.
Plus it’s not a like-for-like thing, it’s about the children playing together, developing friendships that are based on people & not possessions.
If my DC were young enough I’d be delighted it yours were their friends!
Enjoy this & all the future play dates 💐

I'm confused, I thought all private school parents were struggling strivers working as nurses and lorry drivers who were going to have their lives devasted by VAT? Now you're saying RICH people send their kids to private school???

Joking aside, you're doctors? Then is there not usually a level of respect that comes with that from other people, as you're out there helping people rather than having some Finance job which it could be argued contributes less to society?

My kids go to state school so have friends who live in flats, in social housing, in small houses, in massive houses with pools... we're somewhere in between, normal size house in a 'naice' area. They just get on with it. I have never judged anyone for the size of the home I picked my kids up from, and I hope they'd be the same. Perhaps just arrange for the kid to come over. Children really DO NOT care about this kind of thing

This is just ridiculous!

Children do notice...they may well be polite enough to not mention it but they do notice it. I went to a private school. We were slap bang in the middle...there were some very wealthy people with amazing homes but equally some who were clearly putting everything they had into their child's education. I went to many houses which were much nicer than mine and also houses which weren't. I absolutely noticed... although I was brought up to never ever mention anything like that.

I did put YANBU because I understand the concern but you did choose this. My DH and I are both medical but we wouldn't sacrifice a salary for private school - not because I would feel bad about being the “poorest” people in the posh school (tongue in cheek people!), but because our kids would notice the massive wealth disparity and it’s not “normal”. This is the 1%, it’s a bubble, it’s not real life for almost anyone, and I wouldn’t want them to feel…less than I guess. My family were very poor but I went to a good (not private) school, and I always felt like I didn’t fit it.

Anyway, you’ll be dealing with this a lot. You do not have to do the same reciprocal play date, I’d just invite the kid around or offer to take the kid out. You’ll need to get over this pretty quickly.

Most people who are worth anything, will remember how nice you are to them and how much fun they had with you, not how much your house or car cost.