Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

Jesus Christ, this bloody obsession with what other people think of you. Who bloody cares? Stop seeking validation and just get on with your life. Just invite them over and and host them as you would do to a regular friend. Treat them nice and politely and they they turn to be materialistic individuals their loss for being so shallow. Why is that so important to you? Grow up!

One of my closest friends lives in a beach front luxury home with pool, i have a tiny run down cottage and an income far far less than yours. I had my wedding reception at her home, take dd over to use the pool, my DD adores friends DDs who are a bit older. Her house is always busy with people in and out and super welcoming. My friend is my friend because we like and value each other.

You need to sort out your issues and prejudices now before they unsettle your child and make it difficult for them to establish themselves amongst their peers at school.

You don’t have to be? It’s about your dc and their friendship.

I think it's disingenuous to say that they are definitely not going to be judging the op and that all wealthy people are incredibly down to earth. Some are, some aren't. It's like anything. But if they are boastful then it doesn't really bode well.

Then why add you bothered what they think of you?
Your children are friends, that’s the extent of the relationship.

Don’t lie…..don’t pretend you’ve got more than you have…..don’t invent a second home. You will get caught out sooner or later and that will damage your reputation far more than not living in a mansion with 7 bedrooms, a pool and whatever else they’ve got!
Be yourselves, you earn an honest living and should be proud of your profession.

We live on the edge of a wealthy area and my DD's primary had a mix of wealthy and not so wealthy. Anyway, she had a friend once who lived in a mansion, we live in a 2 bed terrace. Honestly, it was fine. And if it happened been that would have been their issue not mine.

My DD won a scholarship to a large independent school. I'm pretty sure we were the poorest parents there. My DD became great friends with a Chinese girl. She couldn't go home at half term as too far. Once my DD realised this meant she had to stay at school over half term she asked if she could invite her friend to stay at our house. This meant sharing DD qqluite small bedroom. She was invited came to stay most half terms after that. I worried because our house at the time was small and crowded. She liked coming to stay. She invited my DD to go back to China with her over summer. Her family insisted on paying for my DD to travel and my DD told me she had a whole suite of rooms of her own over there and had a maid too. She was treated like a princess and taken to see the grandmother which was an honour. I said to my DD what must her friend think of our house but she said she liked coming to us and she liked our dog and cat. She wanted a pet but wasn't allowed one at her home. After that I didn't worry anymore. They remained friends all through school and DD went to China and on holiday with her friends family several times and they always refused to let us buy flight tickets.

But so what if they’re judging her? The OP doesn’t want to be friends with them anyway. So who cares what they think?

Well IF they’ll be judging then they are judgemental people and surely not who you’d want to associate with at all. Right?

But maybe all this is in your head? I’m quite wealthy. But I don’t judge people. What matters for me and where my children go, is that the house is clean, the snacks are healthy, and the people are kind and polite decent human beings. That’s it. The irony is that a lot of people judge the wealthy unfairly. Possibly here as in your case. Please relax and give them the benefit of doubt if your DD enjoys playing with their DC.

Just be yourselves. Ive moved in mixed economic circles like this (private school where some parents were loaded, some were making it work, and some were definitely on low incomes but either there on scholarship or grandparents were paying).

Everyone's house and lifestyles were different. The friendships that endured were because they got on well and didnt behave like bell ends. When you strip ot back, income really shouldn't decide who you click with.

I initially felt awkward reciprocating playdates, and then realised people will either like us or they won't. If they decide they dont based on our incomes, then they're not our cup of tea anyway.

Trust me, it IS rude not to. You need to get over this.

Well that just shows how crass they are.

You’re just going to have to bite the bullet. I’ve had the same feelings as you but they do pass you just need to focus on the children being friends and having a good time. Remember not everything is always as it seems. My children’s best friends parents started out as very wealthy, big 6 bed house, range rovers each, private chef, expensive jewellery, swimming pool etc unfortunately they lost it all through bad investments. They had to move out of their private gated area, and near to us and start over.

Out of their old circle of friends they don’t see any of them they all disappeared when things went wrong and stopped calling/inviting. We live in a normal semi, doing ok just keeping our heads above water, our children met at swimming, we got talking as parents. I knew they had money and when the children asked if they could have play dates I was mortified but just thought well it’s not about me. I remember when they came over they were having so much fun building dens, playing dress up and still do to this day…when they first went to the other house they went into the pool, had the chef make them anything they want and came back telling me all about it.

Inside I was panicking but hearing from their parents how much fun their children had at ours and vice versa made me feel better. To me it’s how you teach your children manners about how not everyone has everything others might have but they are loved.

When people come to visit obviously our home is tidied but not a show-home, absolutely I would love a new bathroom, kitchen extension and various other things but I also thank my lucky stars our children are happy and have friends they can play/learn from. Their parents are very good friends of ours and that is because we supported them and they have supported us. Honestly don’t worry about it people don’t care as long as their children are safe and happy whilst in your care.

An invitation to "lunch" - you'll be fine.

An invite to "luncheon" however... hire the huge AirBnB that a PP suggested

My DC were at private school and some of their friends were VERY wealthy
It was never an issue for us or any other parent

You are both doctors. If they look down on you then that’s very much a them problem. Reciprocate the play date. If they look down on you, then don’t socialise again. But maybe they won’t and you’re just worrying for nothing? Maybe their kid loves yours and they also enjoyed your company. You’re both clearly very intelligent people who work very hard, helping others day in, day out. Nothing to be ashamed of. You should be proud of who you are and teach your kid to be too. The size of your house really doesn’t matter

Yet oddly your whole insecurity is money focused?

You enrolled your kid at that school because you want them to have the benefits of being part of this privileged group. The benefits only exist if the status quo is maintained. It’s a bit late to develop class consciousness now.

It wouldn’t really occur to me to feel worried about the opinions of people who work in finance; I value my meaningful work. I also wouldn’t worry about anyone who boasted about their husbands income; it’s easy to brag about money you haven’t earned!

Is how you think they would judge you, how you would judge a family that was poorer than you and in a less nice housing situation?

I agree in theory...in practice though, the op doesn't have to put herself in this uncomfortable situation if she doesn't want to. If you behave in a boastful way then you surely have to accept that some people will be put off by that.

When people feel self conscious about money - I think take comfort in values. They have chosen to dedicate themselves to wealth creation, you have used your intelligence and efforts to saving lives - they are just different paths and different value systems. Be loud and proud about the choice you made - you could be a private doctor earning loads, instead you have chosen a path to be one of the most valuable contributors to our community, even if this means less personal wealth - be proud of that. The size of your living room doesn’t matter against the values you hold and commendable life choices you have made.

You're so wrong for this 😭

I dont think you do have to reciprocate like with like.

But your home is your home, and they can most definitely manage sitting in it for coffee and cake.

If the do talk about you to other super rich parents, they must have very small lives. "I went to ops house it was small' what sort of conversation is that?

I live in a (modest but bigger than lots of others) house in a very mixed area. Some of my children's friends in the more deprived parts clearly feel as you do, and aren't comfortable inviting us back because they think their house is too small or we will look down on them (some have openly said this).

It's upsetting for my kids that they don't get invited back, when they'd love to play in their friends houses. When they do they love it (and come back jealous that their friends get to share bedrooms or bunk beds with their siblings). And it's upsetting for me that people assume I am some kind of judgey cow, and will look down on them / their house.

Invite them over, be proud of what you are and what you've got, and if they obviously look down on you then fuck them you've got more integrity than they have. I would echo what PP said, if they are British and boasting about earnings etc then they're probably not generational wealth and possibly didn't grow up like that, they likley have close relatives with significantly worse off lives than you