Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

Meet in mutual territory. Play park etc.

I haven’t read everyone else’s responses but I was in the position of you kid more or less growing up and it was absolutely not a problem for me. I would just invite them over the exact same way you would anyone else. Don’t change things for them, they shouldn’t expect that. Don’t compare yourself to them, that’s the thing that can do the damage for you and your child.

I think this is the world you put yourselves in when you select a fee paying school. I doubt they will care as much as you do OP. I had a friend who was the ‘poor kid at rich school’ her words. She hated it. But it’s the life you have chosen and it would be mean of you to put your feelings before those of the kids who are enjoying their play dates!

I live in a flat, on benefits with a disabled child and i’m perfectly happy with what I have.

@partytimed I may be missing the point and a bit biased as a fellow NHS'er but what they have in material things will never match your skills, knowledge, time and care given to others in your work.
You should be proud of that and I bet your kids are too.

If the other parents judge you, shame on them. Be proud of what you have cos you've worked bloomin hard to get there. Which I suspect won't be the case for them.

If you really can't get past that, offer to take the friend to the cinema or something to reciprocate.

I came here to say this, you're doctors, that's hugely impressive. Own it and don't worry about your house. Good luck.

It’s sad that a Doctor would be so judgemental of someone else for no reason. Just because you have a hangup about your house doesn’t mean anyone else would. You are being really shallow and unfair towards the well of family. Imagine how they would feel if they knew how little you think of them.

I'm sure it was a joke.

Yet YOU are judging her based off her wealth. The irony. My bestfriend has houses all over the world - on of them is a ‘modest’ £20 million home in America - she is the loveliest person and the least judgey. She’s a mum - who has the same worries about her children as me, and she is down to earth and very generous to a fault. This is a you thing and you’re going to project this onto your child. One of my child’s friend has a beachfront house with two swimming pools - but loves coming over to ours too - children don’t care- they just want company and friendship. It’s you who cares. You are both drs and feel this way - ridiculous.

Why did you ever accept a whole family invite with people you aren't comfortable with? From the start you should have said oh as we're Doctors we are extremely busy but happy to drop off when it suits you?

Playdates usually involve drop offs and quick chats at pick ups. I'd focus on that going forward.

Yes invite their dc but make it clear it's a kid thing only, not for adult participation.

Nobody cares as much as you do, honestly. We live in a very affluent area & my DC has lots of friends who are really well off. We live in a 2bed rented flat - nobody has ever cared. What people do care about is how welcome you make them feel when they are over. You will project this 'lesser than' feeling on to your DC. My own DD has said she wishes our house is bigger after visiting her friends & I remind her we are lucky to have a nice, cosy, safe & happy home. Not everyone does. Admittedly she doesnt go to a fee paying school, but I am a HCA & a 3bed semi would be a dream for us. Comparison is the thief of joy! You are both highly educated people & I'm sure have a beautiful home full of love - don't let your idea of someone else's beautiful home make you feel like you're not giving your DC a lovely life.

I think you need to realise this is your issue and try to get over it.

It wouldn’t be practicable or a good lesson for your children to only associate with people in the same narrow socio-economic bracket you are in.

We have some friends like this who live in a huge house with a gym and cinema room. They obviously do realise that not everyone else lives in a house like that. I don’t think your three bed house is going to be the shocker that you think it might be.

Just go for it. It goes with the territory if you are at private school. The kids will enjoy it and the parents already know nobody is as rich as them at the school.

At prep school I had a very very rich friend - her house is now a luxury hotel.

I enjoyed our playdates but did come home once and suggested my parents could convert our bathroom into a playroom as I didn't have one.

Boringly they felt we still needed a toilet and a bath.

I'm still gutted it didn't work out with the boyfriend I had age 7 as he was loaded, house with indoor pool and multiple tennis courts.

As someone who lives in the big house with the pool - I don’t care what people’s houses are like, I know lots of people have less than us - but I do care if my child isn’t included or reciprocated because their parents feel insecure.

if you don’t want to invite them over, then invite them to join you at an event or venue. But hiding from it and restricting your child’s social world / cutting off their kid becuase of it isn’t kind…

I don't think this is an unreasonable feeling but sending your child to a private school, you need to adjust to feeling comfortable with the demographic. You don't want to pass on a complex to your baby. Best believe they will be talking about money and who has what, so you need to work on having pride in what you have to fight against this.

Have the playdate if you feel you should reciprocate and if they show themselves to be snobs then you know they aren't your people.

I find the super rich and the less rich tend to stick with their own in the long run - just how it is. For most (not all) the super rich there is a superiority that comes with that type of money. You have to suck it up and rise above it. Sometimes you’re ahead and sometimes you’re behind. The fact you are both doctors naturally elevates your status. They’ll judge, but then you’ve judged so it’s all fair game. Completely understand though OP, we have very wealthy neighbours and get invited to all their stuff and I find it extremely uncomfortable.

I’m in the exact position as you. Well, the same financial/school/house situation. One of my DDs friends lives in a house the size of a school… no exaggeration. But We’re very happy in our three bed semi.

I don’t see the problem honestly, if your daughter likes her friend then reciprocate, if not then don’t. I will not be made to feel awkward about the fact I chose a perfectly ordinary home so I could send my DD to her preferred school.

They sound really boring and obsessed with money and status. Isn't it supposed to be quite gauche and 'non-U' to boast about your wealth. I'm sure you and your DH are much more interesting.

This thread makes quite sad reading actually. You are both professionals, working hard for what you have. Be proud of this. Wealth is nothing, without kindness, morals and health.

The parents are money focused? More the fool them.

If you don’t want to reciprocate, as others have said, a park/ play centre is perfectly fine to meet.

A few things here...

1. You don't need to do full-family playdates. I'd nip that in the bud for anyone except people I was really keen on collectively. No one does that where I live and I'd just be confused by that sort of invitation
2. To break the ice I suggest taking the children to something fun - ninja warriors or bowling or pottery painting or whatever they'd like.
3. Then give yourself a talking to! You have the life you have created and it's lovely. They have a different life.

We actually have this situation in reverse - we live in a house that sounds more like yours, but two of my son's friends live in teeny tiny flats with multiple siblings and complicated home lives. They have both been totally honest that hosting doesn't work for them for all the obvious reasons. I really hope it's not because they're embarrassed or think I'm judging them. My son invites their children round often and sometimes they take the boys out for some sort of activity. Activities are not my skill set but hosting playdates is fine for me so it all balances out well enough for me - and my son and his friends are happy to spend time together.

I have an old friend who comes from a fairly wealthy family. She visited another friends house...the other friend is a busy working mum with a sen child. She absolutely slated her house...I was so shocked. She was unbelievably vile about it saying how disgusting it was. It really wasn't...it sounded like just a normal house...what she meant was it wasn't an immaculate, perfectly renovated show home. I no longer invite her round to mine.

I'm not suggesting this couple will be like that, they may well be fine. But absolutely there are people like this in the world.

Well if you can't keep up with them financially, I'd reccommend best foot forward in the "homely" department.
Cook your best cake, make a delicious lunch, and show the warmth that your family has to offer.
I've been in a fairly similar situation both times, and what I'd actually take from both situations is that the much richer people than me had a beautiful house, that I didn't feel able to move in because it was so so clean, and it was so so lovely, if we damaged something, no way would I ever be able to say, I'll replace it!
The poorer ends of the scale, I've always felt more comfortable, and at times I've looked and thought, this is so lovely, I feel so comfortable here, and the love on display is the difference.

Well, this is what happens at fee paying schools - there will be a lot of very rich people there. There is of course a solution to this but if you don’t want your kids to go to normal school you will have to suck up being the poorer parents rather than the richer parents. You are both Drs. so have nothing to be ashamed of, maybe the parents are less judgemental than you think! Just invite the kid rather than the whole family if you want though.

Both of you are GPs, which is a very respectable occupation. It may not pay anywhere near as much as the big jobs in finance, but you are both still earning well above the national average and have nothing to feel ashamed of. These people will be well aware that they are in the top earning bracket, and I’m sure they won’t look down on you.

Exactly op.

And remember children - who are the important people here - see the world very differently.

I grew up in a very grand house but was so envious of a friend's cosy home because it had a Soda Stream machine! I thought it was the height of luxury! I remember my mum's look of faint bemusement when telling her afterwards that it was the loveliest house I had been to and I was going to aim to have a house just like it when I grew up because they had a soda stream and were allowed to eat popcorn on the sofa. To Mum's credit she said all the right things - but I did clock the fond and slightly amused look that shot across her face: children think like children and it can be hard for us to enter into that perspective as adults.

Just let them enjoy each other's company.