Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

I was the kid in school whose parents had plenty of money.

My best friend had a scholarship to the school and her parents lived in a council house and had very little money.

But did that matter? Not at all. I loved going to play at her house. My parents never looked down on hers and were just happy I had a nice friend.

Please don’t give your child a chip on their shoulder about money.

Them doing that is in poor taste. People who are actually rich don't drag about how much they earn. I also loathe the whole talking about the house thing that people with mansions do. Invite them but say no talk of politics, religion, sex or money. Even say that as a joke with a smile on your face and they'll get the hint

There's a lot of inverted snobbery in the UK sadly. I like to go about with the attitude of it not mattering at all and pretending not to notice these things.

It’s hardly as if doctors are going to be looked down upon by any social circle, regardless of assets. You’re overthinking this. Obviously the other parents have more wealth, but they’re not going to see you as “povo doctor plebs” and feel the need to protect their child from you. Get some perspective - they clearly think you’re suitable to spend time with their child and there’s obviously some level of trust there.

So what if they do judge you? Why do you fear their judgement? It can’t hurt you.

I think you’re overthinking this +++. I have friends in council houses on benefits, I have friends with 6 bedroom houses who drive Aston martins. I’m somewhere in the middle. I’ve never felt uncomfortable in their houses nor them in mine (as far as I know at least)

I live in a lovely big house (although definitely not a mansion with a pool!). But I grew up in a two-up-two-down, which was easily the smallest of all my friends' houses.

I never thought anything of it, we all had fun at all the houses. I would be really sad to think that someone wouldn't return a playdate in fear of judgement like that.

Why should this even be a consideration? Crazy if your children are friends. It's something I wouldn't give any thought to. They're doing them, you're doing you. This judging and eyeing up is tedious and pointless. Just do what you'd do with any other parent. Be confident.

My DS went to private school and whilst most were like us there were a few from very wealthy families. It didn't matter. They all had reciprocal playdates and as they got older sleepovers

I was never embarrassed about our situation. I was very proud at how I had managed to buy a home, run a car and send him to an excellent school on one low salary.

Decent people do not judge.

One of my best friends for the past 30 years nearly didn't become so because I was so overwhelmed by the supper they gave us early on in our friendship ... Home-made pate, delicious complicated main, fancy pudding all served on matching crockery with silver cutlery ...
Turns out they loved hosting and threw everything into it

We lived in a draughty, no central heating farmhouse as tenant farmers, living hand to mouth. All our friends and our DCs’ friends had more money than us but people enjoyed coming to us because there was lots of room for the DCs to play, inside and out, and I would cook a lunch or supper as cheaply as possible.
Quite honestly I cba with comparing myself with others!

I was very proud at how I had managed to buy a home, run a car and send him to an excellent school on one low salary

I mean good for you, I'm not knocking you at all...I'm just wondering how on earth you could do all this on one low salary when others can't?! Unless your money magically stretches further or your definition of a low salary is vastly different to my definition!

I would invite them round and do as you would normally do when you have guests.
And teach your children money is not the most important thing. And it definitely does not make them better because they have more money.
If they are snobs and rude about you then you can avoid inviting them again.
But really do you care what they think about you?
You have said yourself you are not realistically going to be friends.
You just need to be civil for the children's sake.

Since you don’t click I suggest you either…
don’t reciprocate and the friendship will fizzle out due to your perceived rudeness or
do reciprocate and the friendship will fizzle out when they see you are not a good fit for their circle.
Job done either way.

Unlikely. The most common response so far from wealthy tech/finance workers has been a scornful “God, how awful. Do you at least do a lot of private work?” (I am very happy in my job and do not do any private work)

And I’m a consultant in a teaching hospital, not a GP. I’m not sure the very wealthy have ever been impressed by doctors to be honest! But if they were in the past, they definitely aren’t now.

To be clear, I do think that OP should reciprocate, and the other parents probably won’t much care that she has less money. But it is laughable to think they will be intimidated by her job.

We have friends where the disparity is similar, our kids started at the same private school. They are truly decent people and I would count the woman as one of my best friends. Our income is irrelevant to them, we hold similar values, that is what matters. You don’t really know them so don’t judge.

Don’t need to invite the whole family round to reciprocate, just ask if X wants to come over for a play date/hanging out and you’re happy to collect them/drop them off if it helps. That way it’s clear that you’ll be inviting the kid only.

Don’t deny your child a friend because of your own insecurities, that’s very sad.

If they are the sort to judge, so what? Let them, move on to the next friendship group.

Your house is smaller, who cares?

How would you feel if your DC made friends with a child that lived in a tiny rented flat and the parents didn’t want your DC as a guest at theirs because your 3 bed semi was too fancy?

The only thing that matters is that the family are pleasant and DC’s well behaved. Money and size of house don’t alter these things!

Good god, you are both Doctors! In the event of a heart attack god forbid at a dinner party YOU and your DH would be the most important people in the room!

You are saving lives. Both my sons went to a very well known public boarding school. Quite honestly there were a large range of parents. Some both worked full time, some were new rich, old rich, grandparents paying the fees etc. I was brought up by single Mother, never went to uiniversity, couldnt hold a tennis racket BUT I do have confidence. I worked full time. No one is going to look down on me. And some of the Mums massively lived off their husband's salary and life. Its fine to rely on someone financially until of course it isnt and the relationship breaks down.

One time I went to collect son at the end of term. Some twit of a Father turned up in a Ferrari to collect all his son's belongings! The son was fuming and that everyone was laughing because there was NO way his clobber would fit in!

Unless they are very dim (and there’s no suggestion they are) they are aware that most others are poorer than themselves. They aren’t judging you any more than you, presumably, would judge a family poorer than yourself.

I think the term poor has been misused here. Neither family are poor, thus other people can not be poorer than them. I think it should be less affluent.

Thing is people genrally dont have everything. You have more than most. Good jobs. Private schools and presumably good house. Your kids are likely to be clever too.
The other parents have slightly more money. Or bigger house - who cares.
Some people will have inherited or are older so when jobs paid better etc.

I actually hate playdates at peoples houses. I dont really get it. The kids prefer trampoline parks.and soft play etc.

last playdate we went to. They d id have a huge house. Easily double ours. But location was very rural. The one before that house was a lso doubke however i kniw they bought it from a largish inheritance and again the location isnt as good either.

When I was a kid I had a horse so I had some super rich friends. One had a massive mansion a chauffeur, handy man house keeper. My parents worked in a factory/driving jobs. Not once did they look down their nose. These parents won’t care about your house. If they do you’re much better off than them in how you view the world.

Just let your child make friends with all sorts of people (also get them involved in groups not dominated by fee paying school kids).

You're not British if you'd pass comment on the house!

Your wording is basically "we will ask you if and when we aren't too busy."

If you'd left it at "we'd love to have you over" that might be different.

They won't judge you, I shouldn't think. You'll probably end up judging them more, I should think. It can certainly be hard to relate to issues like the turning circle on your horse box...

We are similar - in the class we probably sit in the middle, but will be perceived to be lower because of my background and choice of work, and also the area we live in.

I used to feel a bit intimidated in the preschool years, but these days they take me as they find me and I give no shits. My house is ample for who we are as a family, no one ants for anything much, and we save a lot.

How about inviting them round for something less formal?