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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

489 replies

partytimed · 30/09/2025 08:34

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

OP posts:
DingDongJingle · 30/09/2025 16:19

coxesorangepippin · 30/09/2025 15:42

We had this situation.

I didn't reciprocate the play date.

What am I gonna say, come over and go on our trampoline???

Yes?

Smeegall · 30/09/2025 16:41

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 30/09/2025 08:36

Could you look on Airbnb and hire the biggest house available for the play date? Or claim you are only living in your current house while you are completely renovating your mansion?

This has really made me chuckle - I'm definitely going to claim this.

Oh what? This house? This is only temporary whilst out mansion is being renovated. Such a pain I know!

Iamthemoom · 30/09/2025 16:47

I honestly don’t think anyone will be judging you. DD goes to a fee paying 6th form where a lot of her friends are very rich, others are stretched to pay the fees and others are on a bursary. There’s been a run of parties this past few weeks and the difference is vast from a catered marquee in the garden, to an entire restaurant and last weekend a 3 bed on a very normal street. The last was the one DD enjoyed the most. I asked her why and she said her friends parents were lovely, there were great sausage rolls and it felt more relaxed.

I’m sure neither the kids nor the parents will judge your home is smaller etc. They’ll likely be in awe you’re both doctors and doing something way more worthwhile than finance.

I would definitely reciprocate as I would consider it rude not to.

Goditsmemargaret · 30/09/2025 17:06

I think you're misjudging them.

If they are the type of crass idiots to talk about money, his salary etc they are deeply insecure. They won't pay the blindest bit of attention to your house, in fact they would hate if you were competition.

Princesspolly · 30/09/2025 17:45

My children attend a fee paying school and I totally get feeling this way. For context I was a teen mum, compared to the others I am a lot younger than every other parent there. My husband left and doesn’t contribute financially so the fees are all on me, a midwife who doesn’t earn masses, I am far from the typical private school fee parent. I scrimp and save every penny, I live in a 3 bed that’s practically falling down around me and my eldests best friend is unbelievably wealthy, I’m talking mansion, under ground garage with I kid you not 8 Ferraris, an abundance of other very very expensive vehicles and a lifestyle I can only dream of. But our children are best friends, I do feel like I can’t invite their son back to mine and do as exciting things with him as they do with my son but none the less our children are friends and his parents are so grateful for that and for what I can do. I would host the family, do a nice little afternoon tea in the garden and if they think lesser of you then that’s a them problem.

ColinVsCuthbert · 30/09/2025 17:54

YANBU - we also live in a nice area, and it seems everyone else bought houses when interest rates were cheap/prices were lower. They all have a separate children's play room, plenty of space, an actual garden etc. Our place cost a bloody fortune and we have to make do with a children's play area in a side section beside our kitchen/a tiny fake grass balcony play area. I'm still grateful for what we have, but it isn't nearly as good of a setup for play dates. A lot of the time we arrange play dates at our local park or soft play center. We have a spare car seat so can take another child.

LivingTheDreamish · 30/09/2025 18:06

I would give them the benefit of the doubt and invite them. If they make you feel like the poor relation then don’t repeat. But you are two doctors so not exactly under achievers, so don’t let yourself be intimidated! It will also be good for your children to model that their richer school friends are not better than them.

clipboardz · 30/09/2025 18:08

@Princesspolly surely the school give you a discount?

Mydadsbirthday · 30/09/2025 18:37

MayaPinion · 30/09/2025 08:43

Good grief - you’re both doctors! You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Everyone already knows that you are both super smart and comfortably off, even if you’re not super rich. The rich people already know roughly how much you make. They know you’re not super wealthy, but your kids are friends, they know you’re good people, and they’re probably thrilled their child wants to spend time with yours.

Absolutely this - both being doctors, your DC is likely to be pretty smart and they'll be happy their DC is spending time with yours.

I have loads of doctor friends and although we probably earn more I'm always in thrall to them tbh.

MrsWallers · 30/09/2025 18:50

Honestly I am more in awe of you both being NHS Doctors than the wealth! But I do get it a bit But be confirdent in who you are and what you do

Strangesally20 · 30/09/2025 19:17

If they are the type of people who look down their nose at 2 doctors who do a hugely valuable and worthwhile job for society are they really the type of people you want to be friends with or have your children around? I think you are over thinking this.

NeverMindOhWell · 30/09/2025 19:24

My kids are yr 8 and yr 12. Have been in private school all their lives thanks to husband working there. Even with staff discount I have to work FT and we don’t have foreign holidays etc. Our home is a standard 3-bed semi and we have never once been made to feel “less than” or embarrassed. I tell my kids how lucky they are to have such generous friends who have swimming pools and cinema rooms etc. and invite them round. We live close to the city centre and now the eldest is in 6th form she is suddenly in the envious position where they can all get ready at our house for a night out and then walk or catch a bus into town! Honestly though, in my experience these folks are fully aware of their privilege and wouldn’t dream of looking down on anyone. It’s only your own insecurities making you feel this way. It’s just money, it’s just a house after all. Everyone has their sh^t going on.

BufferingAgain · 30/09/2025 19:26

I’m finding some of the comments on this thread fascinating. I wonder if some of the parents who send children to private school are more likely to be concerned with status in the first place and that interest in status can lead them to feel inferior. Our local state primary has people from all walks of life (including City finance) and I don’t feel like people are bothered about house size like this

Everyonceinawhile · 30/09/2025 19:27

partytimed · 30/09/2025 08:34

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

They probably know where you live already ( people usually check out their kids friends parents etc) and they don’t have an issue with it so I wouldn’t worry about it…..I know how you feel though, I would probably feel the same but it is what it is so just get on with it

blinkblinkblinkblink · 30/09/2025 20:49

I went to a private school. I had playdates in mansions with pools, and playdates in 2 up 2 down terraces. There was only 1 super rich parent I felt was snooty and looked down on me being average middle class. I don't think any others really cared about wealth. The shared factor was they valued education.

Nextweektoo · 30/09/2025 20:56

If they talk about their wealth just be self deprecating about how many years you spent studying but still earn peanuts. Your jobs are your currency in this instance.

PrimeTimeNow · 30/09/2025 20:56

Ohh PLEEEASE don’t fret for a second!
You could have gone into investment banking if you’d have wanted to be filthy rich but you chose medicine where you can help people and make a difference. Everyone knows that medics are not paid here what they would be in other countries.

These other parents will likely have huge respect for you and your husband for what you do.

Honestly no one cares if your house is a ‘normal’ house. They will know that their child will be safe and well looked after under your roof.

Please don’t waste a second worrying about this.

Calliopespa · 30/09/2025 21:17

Princesspolly · 30/09/2025 17:45

My children attend a fee paying school and I totally get feeling this way. For context I was a teen mum, compared to the others I am a lot younger than every other parent there. My husband left and doesn’t contribute financially so the fees are all on me, a midwife who doesn’t earn masses, I am far from the typical private school fee parent. I scrimp and save every penny, I live in a 3 bed that’s practically falling down around me and my eldests best friend is unbelievably wealthy, I’m talking mansion, under ground garage with I kid you not 8 Ferraris, an abundance of other very very expensive vehicles and a lifestyle I can only dream of. But our children are best friends, I do feel like I can’t invite their son back to mine and do as exciting things with him as they do with my son but none the less our children are friends and his parents are so grateful for that and for what I can do. I would host the family, do a nice little afternoon tea in the garden and if they think lesser of you then that’s a them problem.

Well done you. That's really impressive and I hope your dc realise what a mum they have in you.🏆

Fishplates · 30/09/2025 21:32

MayaPinion · 30/09/2025 08:43

Good grief - you’re both doctors! You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Everyone already knows that you are both super smart and comfortably off, even if you’re not super rich. The rich people already know roughly how much you make. They know you’re not super wealthy, but your kids are friends, they know you’re good people, and they’re probably thrilled their child wants to spend time with yours.

This point nails it for me OP!

They will already know how much you make.

Comedycook · 30/09/2025 21:37

My husband left and doesn’t contribute financially so the fees are all on me, a midwife who doesn’t earn masses

You said children...so at least two...even with scrimping and saving, I am struggling to see how you could manage this...

DingDongJingle · 30/09/2025 21:41

Comedycook · 30/09/2025 21:37

My husband left and doesn’t contribute financially so the fees are all on me, a midwife who doesn’t earn masses

You said children...so at least two...even with scrimping and saving, I am struggling to see how you could manage this...

Me too. Mine are at an independent school at the cheaper end of the scale but annual fees for 2 of them is more than the average midwife salary. Add in housing/bills/food/clothing etc…

5carymummy · 30/09/2025 21:42

Why don't you have a play date somewhere fun? Or have a picnic? You don't have to open your house if you're uncomfortable.

Happyflower12345 · 30/09/2025 22:09

Let them judge if they want to judge. You can't control other people but you can control what you worry about and this is a waste of your mental energy. What's the worst that would happen if they are judgemental?

Exhaustedanxious · 30/09/2025 22:10

Some people that are now living in 7 bedroom mansions once lived in 2 bed terraces.
we have friends with lots of money. Their kids love coming to our house. It’s messy but clean, but also lots of fun. People are not as snobby as you think.

OhDear111 · 30/09/2025 22:33

@BufferingAgain I had my DD in state education and my God did people separate themselves out into status groups! It surprised me how overt it was and these parents curated friendships with approved dc. We were not approved so my DD was left out. I suspect we were the wealthiest but they were still striving. It felt very odd. We gave up with DD2 and she went to a prep where even the super rich were friendly and normal. Manners maketh man.