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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

489 replies

partytimed · 30/09/2025 08:34

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

OP posts:
DingDongJingle · 30/09/2025 22:38

OhDear111 · 30/09/2025 22:33

@BufferingAgain I had my DD in state education and my God did people separate themselves out into status groups! It surprised me how overt it was and these parents curated friendships with approved dc. We were not approved so my DD was left out. I suspect we were the wealthiest but they were still striving. It felt very odd. We gave up with DD2 and she went to a prep where even the super rich were friendly and normal. Manners maketh man.

Yes, I found the tribalism far more pronounced when mine were at state school than it is at their independent schools. At their current schools it feels like everyone is just united in their desire to give their children the best education they can.

kalokagathos · 30/09/2025 22:42

All in your head. Just reciprocate the play date. It’s a nice thing to do unless they are not kind or stuck up.

mmwhatev · 30/09/2025 23:44

Everyone will compare themselves to others- it’s human nature -but the important thing is to ensure that the kids are aware that it doesn’t matter. Some people have impressive careers and earn a lot. Some earn a lot but prioritize spending on holidays over property. Some people earn decent amounts but don’t want to overcommit with mortgages or private school fees ..

NorthenAdventure · 30/09/2025 23:56

Meh. My kids go to a fee paying school too. I'm a teavher and they get a big discount. We're not poor, but we're not private-school affluent! Some of our friends live in mansions with pools and tennis courts etc. I don't care. They know what I do for a job and my house is perfectly fine. It's not a big deal.

TheaBrandt1 · 01/10/2025 01:33

Only risk is the friendship endures and your teen switches family - we just can’t compete with their house / lifestyle.

Flomingho · 01/10/2025 02:17

I would go ahead and host the play date. The children love spending time together which is the important thing. My DD has been to play dates at all sorts of houses, it wouldn't cross my mind to judge someone by their wealth. It is completely shallow. I would be more likely to judge a rude person or someone with a lack of manners. In all honesty, the other family sound quite vulgar discussing their finances. It reminds me of that "considerably richer than you" comedy sketch, think it was Harry Enfield or the Fast Show.

BubblyBath178 · 01/10/2025 02:19

You’re a GP!! That’s a wonderful job and should be paid a lot better. You’re doing really well to send them to private school. Don’t worry that you’re one of the ‘poorer’ parents. I’m sure you’re not poor. If anyone makes you feel bad then you shouldn’t hang out with them as they’re probably not very nice individuals 🤷‍♀️

Hufflemuff · 01/10/2025 04:03

This sounds pathetic coming from a GP... surely you are used to seeing old grandma's with flu and babies with asthma because they're living in a damp shit council flat? Do you not just feel lucky/satisfied with what you have?

Also stop paying for private schools with your entire salary if youre pisssd off about 1 whole salary being spunked on something 99% of the population can attend FOR FREE.

Yachties · 01/10/2025 04:55

You don’t need to ‘manage this’. You just carry on with your life, doing the best for your dd and creating a loving home. Money isn’t everything and you might be surprised that you’re offering something different on the play date.
Also, give your head a wobble and think about real inequalities people face

Tonelgins · 01/10/2025 05:24

partytimed · 30/09/2025 08:34

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

I find people's opinions really interesting on this topic. My DD just started at a state run secondary school after completing primary school at a fee paying school.

Like you, we prioritised education over luxuries to send her there, but decided in the end, as an only child, we needed her to have friends locally for secondary school. Friends who she could walk to school with and see easily at weekends without us taxi-ing her to friends living far and wide, which tends to happen with independant school families.

I wasted so much time over 7 years worrying how we were perceived. Even though I knew it was silly; values matter more in friendships, than financial status. Like many people are suggesting, you (and I did too) are judging the 'rich' for being successful....I never wanted a big career and to climb the ladder, I just wanted to be a Mum. Each to their own.

I will also add that, I know many 'rich' people are in debt up to their eyeballs to keep up appearances....I have a friend who works for a debt charity...they help people set up payment plans when things get out of control...she sees school fees on expenses quite often.

I will say that I feel so much lighter now that I no longer have to pull up in my 11 year old car and stand in the playground, wishing I had made more of an effort with my appearance (but this would have been the same feeling I would have had at state school I imagine).

Only one family in our time there really stood out as judgmental....the one whose daughter has commented twice about our very nice semi detatched houses (we moved half way through our time at the school). The first comment had to be at 5 or 6 years old "why is your house connected to someone elses??" And the other perhaps 3 years later, "why has your house got two numbers?" "One belongs to next doors house, and one to ours", was my reply. The school certainly didn't teach her those thoughts.

That family have asked us to a social event soon, which will be mostly attended by families who still go to independent schools. We haven't seen them for about 2 years. I am in two minds whether to go....I am pretty sure they just want to see how we are managing at state school now....if I have to think this hard about if I want to go or not, it's not worth going, I know! Some of us are just overthinkers.

My daughter had a great start in life, the most beneficial thing I think she got from her primary school is not the education, but confidence, I do feel small class sizes help teachers spend more time on each child, building the bits that need extra help.

My advice: invite the family over and never be ashamed of being you! If they make you feel like you want to spend more time with them, great. If not, you don't need to invite them again.

Summerhillsquare · 01/10/2025 05:42

You've "become aware of the massive wealth at the school"?! What did you think segregated education was about?!

twinklystar23 · 01/10/2025 06:52

Maybe they feel they have to elevate themselves by speaking about their wealth, due to feeling insecure about your academic career achievement?

NuovaPilbeam · 01/10/2025 06:54

You've picked private school which is incredibly expensive these days (you acknowledge that your whole GP salary is taken up paying for it). That does mean the majority of the DC there are going to be... very well off.

You've made your bed, now you have to lie in it.

It is what it is - you've chosen to embed your children in a world dominated by the very privileged.

NuovaPilbeam · 01/10/2025 06:57

Only one family in our time there really stood out as judgmental....the one whose daughter has commented twice about our very nice semi detatched houses (we moved half way through our time at the school). The first comment had to be at 5 or 6 years old "why is your house connected to someone elses??" And the other perhaps 3 years later, "why has your house got two numbers?" "One belongs to next doors house, and one to ours", was my reply. The school certainly didn't teach her those thoughts.

How on earth are these comments judgemental from a child? They are typical curious question from a child. My children asked the childminder why someone lives in the upstairs of her house (maisonette). I was mortified but it was not a judgy question from a 5 year old in an area where most people live in a house & there are very few flats.

saraclara · 01/10/2025 07:07

NuovaPilbeam · 01/10/2025 06:57

Only one family in our time there really stood out as judgmental....the one whose daughter has commented twice about our very nice semi detatched houses (we moved half way through our time at the school). The first comment had to be at 5 or 6 years old "why is your house connected to someone elses??" And the other perhaps 3 years later, "why has your house got two numbers?" "One belongs to next doors house, and one to ours", was my reply. The school certainly didn't teach her those thoughts.

How on earth are these comments judgemental from a child? They are typical curious question from a child. My children asked the childminder why someone lives in the upstairs of her house (maisonette). I was mortified but it was not a judgy question from a 5 year old in an area where most people live in a house & there are very few flats.

You beat me to it. Five year olds don't ask those questions to be judgemental. It's a fantastic age where kids observational skills and curiosity are at their peak.
My five year old granddaughter asks those sorts of questions constantly. They're full of 'why...?s' and 'what...?s' at that age.

Samm9 · 01/10/2025 07:09

Invite them round for the kids sake, make small talk and don't waste any time worrying about what they think. I doubt they care, and if by any chance they do judge you because they have more money then their opinions are worthless anyway. Besides, being a doctor is considered to be high status anyway, so if they are status/money obsessed they will probably judge you favourably as a result.

askingaquestion1 · 01/10/2025 07:14

I have quite a big house and invited a mum and her son around to play with our son. I could tell she was intimidated as she kept asking about my house whereas I just wanted the kids to play. She never invited us back which made me a little sad as the kids had got on. I really hope most parents just do play dates for their children’s sake and wouldn’t judge you. Also note, you don’t have to reciprocate the same type of play date they offered you so long as you reciprocate something.

Thingyfanding1 · 01/10/2025 07:17

I have a similar issue and I always just think about the children and the fun they’ll have. Children love having their friends over - they don’t really care if your house is smaller than theirs. It’s all about how much fun they have and if they feel safe and happy in your home. If their child comes home saying they’ve had a great time, that’s all they should care about. You’re two GPs - it’s a highly respected line of work, compared to ‘working in finance’

TheDivergentEnigma · 01/10/2025 07:40

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 30/09/2025 08:36

Could you look on Airbnb and hire the biggest house available for the play date? Or claim you are only living in your current house while you are completely renovating your mansion?

Or just be happy with your lot, proud of your house, family and lifestyle and just accept there will be differences like this and that it's ok.

They are allowed to be money-oriented, and it's great that they, and others, are in the position they are in, but it's ok to be in a different position.

If you're comfortable in yourself, they will be comfortable around you. I dont think you should do the above, there is nothing worse than someone who pretends to be someone they're not.

TheaBrandt1 · 01/10/2025 07:50

I also think that pp is projecting her own insecurities onto the child’s questions.

Remember how mortified I was when Dd at a similar age asked my single friend where her children were.

BunnyLake · 01/10/2025 07:55

Don’t worry about it. My kids went to one and were the ‘poor’ kids in comparison to some. It didn’t matter to them, their friends or the parents. Not everyone at private is super rich, living in mansions. (Well not then, maybe since the price hikes you have to be).

I’m really surprised you feel that way (inferior), as a doctor.

CurlewKate · 01/10/2025 08:13

I thought one of the reasons people
choose private schools was for nicer parents……

DingDongJingle · 01/10/2025 08:18

CurlewKate · 01/10/2025 08:13

I thought one of the reasons people
choose private schools was for nicer parents……

That wasn’t even in the top 20 reasons we chose an independent school. Not even a consideration, in fact.

DingDongJingle · 01/10/2025 08:28

And why would anyone think people are ‘nicer’ because they have more money? There are cunts from all wealth brackets.

BevvieBooBoo · 01/10/2025 08:44

I lived in a council house and my parents paid my children's school fees. Even had the headteacher of the school round my house for coffee once 🤣
I would say just worry about you and yours. As long as you are plodding along and happy 🖕🏻what anyone else thinks xx

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