Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

[partytimed]

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house.

Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

We found that, however rich the person, doctors were very well respected within the private school environment and people were keen to make friends with them and their children. They were seen as solidly middle class, intelligent and sensible types.

Perhaps suggest a reciprocal play date in a park with lunch before or afterwards (you could offer to pay for lunch). Invite another family if they’re a bit boring and braggy. After a couple of meets, play dates are usually drop and go unless the kids are very young.

Honestly, they'll just be happy their child has a playdate. They will know you're not minted - you're not business founders or investment bankers. They will also know private school fees are very expensive these days so will respect you for making sacrifices. Have some more confidence and don't give two thoughts about it. The children won't care either. It's more of an issue if you don't invite.

Kindly, OP, you are being a bit silly. What did you expect? At some point you will need to reciprocate despite a visible disparity, if not with these parents then with others. It’s not about you, it’s about your children being able to make friends and spend time with those friends.

I have a similar situation. We are very much on the lower end of the scale in terms of wealth amongst other parents. We understood this when we opted for a higher end private school. A consequence of that is that our children have made friends with some classmates who lead completely different lives to ours in almost every aspect- holidays, birthday parties, Christmas presents, houses (plural), clothing and jewellery etc.

We don’t worry about that disparity because it’s not something we can change. If another parent has an issue because we are not in their financial league then that is their problem. Our job has been to ensure that our children can socialise with their classmates from a school we selected for them.

it’s not about you.

Think about it this way.
I would feel the same way you do about a playdate with your children. I’m only a part time teacher, husband is a full time teacher. we have a nice 4 bed-semi on a nice estate but the area is not hugely desirable. We couldn’t afford private school.
Ask yourself, would you judge us?
Be honest. Maybe if you would don’t reciprocate. If you wouldn’t then just assume they won’t either.
I would assume most people would see Doctors as a highly professional, educated and hard working profession.

You need to be more concerned about all the unsolicited health problems they will ask you about!
It would be rude to not invite the children back, maybe take them for cinema/pizza?

Is this because you are judgemental towards people less fortunate than yourself if so then maybe you could change your thinking. I have friends that are very very well off I on the other hand am really not and they don't judge me they actually like the fact that I don't give a f what other people think of me and they can be relaxed around me instead of being on all the time. You'll never keep up with the jones but you can be the best version of yourself

Jeeze, I'm glad I had my kids when play dates (aka coming round to play) only involved the kids. If I'd had to entertain the parents as well, I would have hated it.

When did school kids playing at each others houses turn into full on family entertaining?

I'm pretty certain that kids would far rather play round their friends house without their parents hovering over their shoulders. Isn't that the whole point? That they learn to socialise independently?

When my kids had their friends round, my role was to keep well in the background except when offering drinks and snacks. When parents picked their kids up, it was an unwritten rule that we didn't talk for more then a minute or so to avoid being SO EMBARRASSING.

Offer to drop the child back to their house, that's what I did. I had this where my son played at his friend's, big house and so on. They asked if he could to mine, I was embarrassed as I lived in a flat with smelly neighbours and I was embarrassed of the communal areas. I offered to drop the child back at their house, parents were overjoyed and never saw where I lived!. You will be fine.

Please do not feel that you HAVE to reciprocate. Plenty don't. Even if it is because of your perceived feelings of being "less than" because I know those feelings and they may be so much part of you that you feel you can't get over them.

But I will just say that from what I can see the wealthier parents at DC's private school are just as impressed by GPs (the higher meritocracy) as by other people's wealth. And also useful friends to have for a bit of medical advice/in an emergency.

You can’t help how you feel- but you should own that this is your problem, not theirs. I think when you think like this it makes your world a bit smaller, and that of your children’s. Take people as you find them- if they’re snobby or judgemental then that’s a valid reason to not pursue a friendship- but I think a courtesy return invitation is the polite thing to do at the very least.

wtf

Honestly this. We're a very high income household but I really respect and sometimes envy my cleverer, maybe lower earning friends. They've achieved masses, are intelligent, clever and their homes are happy and comfy

Gosh- we experienced the same thing so badly while our daughter was at a few paying school. To be honest I never quite figured it out and avoided hosting except at the park and out for pizza. We’ve switched to state school but live in a v expensive area now- we live in one of the only terraced houses in the area and our daughter has been asked around to the mega mansions yet again. We actually just got on the property ladder and I feel very grateful for what I have but I did find and still sometimes do is feel weirdly ungrateful or like what I have isn’t enough when I compare. Especially as I was married to a very wealthy man and would have been one of those ladies in the mansions but was v unhappy especially as I never saw my husband. Now I see my new husband (8 years new) and we have a modest but happy life. So I’m trying not to compare.

long story short is I haven’t figured it out entirely but you can try to meet out with children or suck it up. I’ve found it can happen anywhere.

Hard disagree here!

I am much less well off than many of my social circle but a lot of them have told me they envy my confidence, lifestyle, job, education, attitude to life, home etc. The latter is very humble!

A doctor is a respectable, educated professional role, and I think (deep down maybe!) many finance professionals would envy this, and the different that role can make in the world.

I do stress that this may well be subconscious! But it’s still a thing.

I have a friend whose XH now dates a finance bimbo and she is deeply jealous of the XW, who is a very clever, well educated woman.

I just can’t believe you’ve got to the stage of having a medical degree without thinking about these values before. Of course, some people are able to earn a lot of money but this doesn’t make them better than you. surely most people would respect a doctor as much as someone who flogs loans for a living. Is Jeff Bezos better than a pediatric oncologist?

I have a friend whose XH now dates a finance bimbo

WTF is a ‘finance bimbo’ 😂. I worked in finance until I had to leave my job to care for my profoundly disabled son. I don’t think anyone has ever considered me a bimbo though! I have a first class degree in economics from LSE, don’t wear make up and mainly live in leggings and a hoodie 😬.

I live in a very nice area and people who know me are like ooooo rich now are you. That is not the case. Brought up on a council estate living literally on the cheapest food, going nowhere. Just because. We have done well over the past 25yrs doesn't make us judge anyone else. People who don't know us think we do because of where we live but I've not moved out of my roots. You could come to my detached bungalow in the semi rural village and I would have no qualms about bringing my kids to a play date in the middle of town to a tiny terrace house and sit on the floor or settee to eat chicken nuggets and chips. There would be no judgement at all. It is you with the judgement not the people who you are thinking of inviting. You're judging them without knowing them. If they do judge then, they're not worth your time or energy. If you're worried just say you're more than welcome to come over on such and such, we don't have the gorgeous space you do but you'll be made very welcome. I always say it won't be tidy but you'll be made more than welcome if you come. I have 3 kids with additional needs so if it's tidy I have managed an impossible feat of getting someone for all 3 😂. That way they won't be expecting a mansion.

We had this situation.

I didn't reciprocate the play date.

What am I gonna say, come over and go on our trampoline???

I thought she meant those of the back office crowd who hope to marry a banker?

If you send your child to a school where you are (according to you) one of the 'poor' parents, and then refuse to invite (or allow your child to invite) their school friends round if their parents are better off than you (i.e., most of their classmates), then you'll seriously restrict your child's ability to develop and maintain friendships as they grow older. Get over yourself, sooner rather than later.

Oh maybe!

My best friend in secondary school had wealthy parents. Cottage in the grounds where the housekeeper and groundman lived, swimming pool, tennis court.
My mother never cared, I am certain my friends parents didn’t care and my friend and I didn’t care.
Return the invite and let the children have a fun play date.

Our house, a 3 bed semi is in a bad condition. Dd3 goes to a fee paying school and she doesn't really invite girls from her school though she has invited a couple of boys (rich) from the boarding school! It could be she is embarrassed but I'm not.
Dd2 is married and her dh comes from a very wealthy family, his parents are tax exiles, all their dc went to Clarendon public schools, have houses here, there and everywhere. It doesn't seem to phaze him visiting us.
I'd probably arrange the play date somewhere else though.

Surely we’re all meant to be teaching kids that they are just as good as one another, rich or poor. If your kids see you embarrassed by not having a massive house, that in turn teaches them that a kid from a council flat is ‘less than’ them. These days surely most sensible rich parents would want their kids exposed to a variety of lifestyles in the hope of keeping them somewhat grounded - though the house of two GPs is hardly seeing how the other half lives anyway!

Yeah, kids love trampolines.