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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my friend offer to wash up when I’ve cooked for her?

197 replies

Wonderwall25 · 29/09/2025 21:09

As above really. My friend comes over once a month and vice-versa and we cook for each other and catch up.

I always offer to help with the washing up at hers, but she doesn’t ever offer when at mine.

I find this rude. However, when I’ve mentioned to DP he says he wouldn’t expect a guest to wash up so thinks IBU.

Would you usually offer or is it just me?

OP posts:
WaryHiker · 30/09/2025 03:51

Wonderwall25 · 29/09/2025 21:09

As above really. My friend comes over once a month and vice-versa and we cook for each other and catch up.

I always offer to help with the washing up at hers, but she doesn’t ever offer when at mine.

I find this rude. However, when I’ve mentioned to DP he says he wouldn’t expect a guest to wash up so thinks IBU.

Would you usually offer or is it just me?

I always offer to help with the washing up at hers, but she doesn’t ever offer when at mine.

Then stop doing that! It's not rocket science.

caringcarer · 30/09/2025 04:13

A guest should not be expected to wash up. I think it's rude to expect guests to wash up.

Starlight7080 · 30/09/2025 04:24

You sound like an awful friend

crunchylamp · 30/09/2025 04:38

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 29/09/2025 22:25

Of course they should wash up. Also that toilet isn't going to clean itself. And would it kill them to do some ironing?

😂😂😂

Mewling · 30/09/2025 05:04

“Keep myself trim”. Shine a fucking light. 🙄

Garamousalata · 30/09/2025 05:08

I don’t expect or want my guests to wash up.

Empress13 · 30/09/2025 05:12

you host you wash up

Zanatdy · 30/09/2025 05:37

Yes she should definitely offer. I’d probably decline the offer of help and clean up after she has gone but good manners to at least offer.

PrimeTimeNow · 30/09/2025 05:55

Your house, you’re hosting, you set aside the washing up and deal with it after your guest has gone.

StrongLikeMamma · 30/09/2025 06:09

Wonderwall25 · 29/09/2025 22:23

No it’s nothing formal - we eat on the sofa whilst catching up with a glass of wine with some crappy reality show in the background!

I think I find it slightly more irking recently as her appetite has gone through the roof and she raids the freezer for a desert (not usually offered) as soon as we’ve eaten! This sounds terrible to say but she has been mentioning going on that manjaro and I’m secretly hoping she does so the contents of my freezer are safe!

Why so bitchy?

TeddySchnauzer · 30/09/2025 06:12

I swear some people just look for issues. No wonder there’s an anxiety epidemic

SulkySeagull · 30/09/2025 06:14

when I have friends over I don’t wash up when they are there - PP is right it’s a vibe killer. Stick everything in the sink and leave it til they have left. I have a friend who spends the whole time im at hers cooking/cleaning/fussing over things and I end up spending my time sat alone. It’s boring and I don’t actually get to catch up with her.

mildlydispeptic · 30/09/2025 06:27

If you host, you host. Passing you a plate or two while you clear up is one thing, but expecting someone to grovel around in dirty dishwater in return for the privilege of eating you food is tacky AF.

InTheMountainsThere · 30/09/2025 06:29

I think the usual dance is -

guest should offer to help clear up
host should say no

unless you virtually live in one another's pockets and are together almost all your free time or something!

InTheMountainsThere · 30/09/2025 06:33

Wonderwall25 · 29/09/2025 23:31

Eh? By her own admission she has let herself go and she was the one who brought up the manjaro to me. I’m hardly an oil painting either but have kept myself as trim as possible despite my advancing years.

Show quote history

Ah! You don't actually like your friend but keep her around to reassure yourself you're doing better than her!
Sometimes you have to wonder whether people actually realise they're posting to make themselves feel superior, or whether they really think they have a question to seek opinions on.

Houndsahollering · 30/09/2025 06:41

Just because you’d offer to help doesn’t mean they are obligated to.
My outlaws who visit regularly leave everything they’ve used piled up by the sink for us me to deal with. My parents are elbow deep in washing up suds unless I chain them to the sofa 😂
I always offer, but I was raised in a dishwasher-free environment so we were expected to help with dishes right from when we were small so it’s ingrained

namechangedohmy · 30/09/2025 06:44

You’re a poor host if your guest needs to ask for more food never mind asking them to wash up. Give her pudding fgs. Are you sure you want to host her? Sounds like you don’t even like her

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 30/09/2025 07:01

I would offer, but would always be declined by my friends and vice versa, it’s part of hosting to look after your friends including all the tidying up!

HugelyExpensiveCrystalDuck · 30/09/2025 07:58

You definitely don’t even like her so stop having her over.

ComfortFoodCafe · 30/09/2025 08:00

i would offer, but when people offer to wash up for me I politely decline.

Silverbirchleaf · 30/09/2025 08:12

I wouldn’t expect a guest to wash up, but as you meet regularly, it’s an informal meal, and you always help at hers, then perhaps it should be reciprocated.

IsItSnowing · 30/09/2025 08:22

AhBiscuits · 29/09/2025 21:11

I wouldn't dream of allowing a guest to wash up. It's part of hosting.

Exactly

Dutchhouse14 · 30/09/2025 08:26

I wouldn't expect a guest to wash up, nice if they offer to help but definitely wouldn't expect it.
However if it's a regular reciprocal thing and you always help wash up at hers then I do think it's more likely that she'd reciprocate and help tidy up/wash up when she's at yours.

maryberryslayers · 30/09/2025 08:37

No! I'd never expect a guest to wash up! I don't really bother with the dishes when my friends are over, I prefer to spend time with them.
I either load the dishwasher as I go or if there's quite a bit it just sits in the sink until after they have gone, then I'll load, it's really no big deal.

Also, if you know she likes dessert just offer her some. She's obviously comfortable at your house and you invite her over regularly so presumably you like her company? Try and be a bit nicer to your friends or you'll end up without any.

popcornandpotatoes · 30/09/2025 08:39

Good grief, how dare she not wash up and also be fat.

How is her fatness and your trimness in anyway relevant to what you have asked?

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