Should my friend offer to wash up when I’ve cooked for her?

[Wonderwall25]

As above really. My friend comes over once a month and vice-versa and we cook for each other and catch up.

I always offer to help with the washing up at hers, but she doesn’t ever offer when at mine.

I find this rude. However, when I’ve mentioned to DP he says he wouldn’t expect a guest to wash up so thinks IBU.

Would you usually offer or is it just me?

I think yabu if it's a long standing casual thing and you are taking turns. If you're always declining then people will stop asking eventually because they know the answer. It feels disingenuous on a level to decline help when offered but then resent it when the offering stops. Especially if she does the dishes if she cooks for you?

Going through your fridge is a bit cheeky absolutely but other than that her weight etc is none of your business and you keeping yourself "as trim as possible" is nothing to anyone but yourself. You sound like you feel a bit superior to her to be honest.

I wouldn't invite anyone round if I wasn't prepared to host them and clean up after.

I was always taught to help clear up and wash up after someone had made me a meal. I had no idea until I read this thread that anyone didn't!

No I wouldn't expect a lunch or dinner guest to offer to wash up and if they did I wouldn't take them up on it. I wouldn't offer at a friend's either.

And I would always make a pudding (and offer cheese and biscuits).

If guests are staying for a few days then that is different and I would always offer to help if I'm in that position myself.

YABU on the washing up.

If you can't afford to host her once a month, then stop inviting her over. So ridiculous.

Yes me too. I'm shocked by the responses here.

I always wash up. Unless there is a dish washer !
And give them a hand to clear up.
I thought it was an unwritten rule.

It depends on the context I guess. I'd probably offer or at least clear dishes away, bring them to the kitchen etc.

I'm alone and once invited my in laws, two sister in laws and their husbands, so me entertaining 6 guests. It was a pre Christmas get together, like an early Christmas Dinner.

I struggled to do everything alone I must admit. No one helped in any way, in setting the table, taking plates in, clearing up. Nothing. I thought never again, and have never hosted again for them but then again none of them have ever cooked for me even before this.

If you offer to wash up that's your choice but no I never expect anybody I've invited to wash up lol

I would offer. But I’m guessing she doesn’t expect you to do it at hers? The main thing is that you cook for each other, which is rather lovely.

I'm with your DP, I would never expect a guest to wash up! I don't think anyone has offered in my place but likewise when I'm a guest I don't tend to either, it's only an extra plate not like I'm leaving them with the aftermath of a party!
We enjoy our evening together and then whoever the host is does it once they've left.

That's rude of them, family chip in esp if you're doing it solo. But it's quite different from someone cooking for one friend. That is the same amount of dishes as cooking for yourself plus one extra plate and a knife and fork! She's not even doing a bloody pudding!

Can you not afford to provide even some ice cream? I’m sorry times are so hard for you.

If you know she likes dessert, you should have in and offer her dessert! That’s terrible hosting to deliberately not offer something you know she likes.

Sounds like you have pudding type foods (ice cream I or similar) in the freezer and still don’t offer them - keeping them “safe” for another day!

It's good manners to offer to help the host clean up. I must admit I usually tell guests to sit down and relax but I always think it's nice that someone has offered.

Is this, by any chance, a load of bollocks?

We have a group of friends who for years had monthly dinners cycling around each others’ homes. Until one friend (a SAHM) said that it was really too much work to cook and wash up/stack the dishwasher for 4 people once every few months and could we all please help. We took that to mean she didn’t want to host any more so we switched to restaurants instead.

The most infuriating guests are the type that leap up the second they’ve eaten the last mouthful of dessert and start buzzing around ‘helping’. It generally ends the night prematurely. Sit down and let the host worry about cleaning up after you’ve left.

This

I think it depends.. if my host is washing dishes in front of me, I would offer to help, and if they consistently offered and helped me clean when I was hosting, I would also offer. Otherwise, probably not. Most of the time I would rather visit and take care of the cleaning myself afterwards, and they seem to feel the same way when they host.

Helping herself to the contents of your freezer or cupboard is rude in my opinion. Regardless of her appetite, that's just not acceptable. If you aren't usually serving as much as she wants, she should be bringing a dessert that you can all share. Or you could just stop this whole situation of reciprocal hosting, since it seems like it's not working out very well..

I think if you’re not really a hospitable kind of person it’s better not to host, it just becomes miserable for everyone. Hospitable people don’t tend to expect guests to help clean up and also tend to offer dessert if inviting someone for dinner.

‘let herself go’ is classic misogyny leaking out there though.

I do not ask them to wash up. In fact, I hate it when they insist!

If the conversation has dried up, it is time for them to go home and let me have a rest. Insisting in doing the washing up in the middle of the night is soooo thoughtless, they should just clear off and let me rest, the washing up will be done in the morning.

Goodness no. If I’m a guest I do not expect to do the washing up and would not expect a guest to help wash up at mine. In fact I hate that - I do have a friend who takes it upon herself to load my dishwasher then turn it on and it really annoys me.

If it was just myself or a small gathering then I wouldn’t offer to wash up. I wouldn’t expect a guest in my house to help with washing up, or any clearing of table etc. But I have been to many very large gatherings at a close friend’s house where I have loaded & unloaded several dishwasher cycles to easy the burden on the hosts.

I agree.

Washing up is done after they have gone.

You really dont like this friend do you?

I host friends for drinks, I lay on nibbles along with drinks. I know what my friends drink and ensure I have their tipple and I lay on the nibbles that I know they love and are quite substantial - not just a bag of crisps in a bowl

Surely offering a dessert is par the course when you know they are a dessert eater?

Guests shouldn't need to wash-up.
Maybe a bit of light dusting, bring some logs in, a quick vacuuming around, clean out the cat's litter tray but washing-up? Definitely not.