Should my friend offer to wash up when I’ve cooked for her?

[Wonderwall25]

As above really. My friend comes over once a month and vice-versa and we cook for each other and catch up.

I always offer to help with the washing up at hers, but she doesn’t ever offer when at mine.

I find this rude. However, when I’ve mentioned to DP he says he wouldn’t expect a guest to wash up so thinks IBU.

Would you usually offer or is it just me?

I disagree with other posters in this case. If it’s a formal dinner party then I would not expect guests to help with washing up. However from your post I interpret that this is a close friend that you host more informally. In this case I think it is not unreasonable to have some help with clearing up. I always offer to wash up at friend’s houses. One set of friends never offer with washing up. I always do washing up at their house. But have now stopped as this is not reciprocated.

I would hate that, why would you expect a guest to wash up? They are a guest.

Maybe just stop offering to wash up, at your friends.

This. Transactional isn’t good.

No I wouldn’t expect them to wash up, in fact I hate it when guests start this sort of stuff.

What!!! No way!!

No. I hate washing up.

No. I think it’s weird to want a guest to clean up. I don’t think I’d ever even think to offer.

I wouldn't want anyone else washing up in my kitchen. I'm very particular.

Get her to have a little wipe round the bathroom if she used the loo as well? (No) (although tbf i don't wash up in my own house)

No, I wouldn’t expect a guest to offer to wash up and if they did I’d decline it.

OP does your friend take you up on your offer to wash the dishes when you’re at hers? I think if she does, she shouldn’t considering she knows she won’t be offering to do them at yours!

And you should stop offering in the first place, as it’ll likely just cause resentment that it’s not being reciprocated.

I would never expect a guest to wash up, even if they offered and even if they were a close friend I would refuse as I think of it as part of hosting. I would stop offering to wash dishes when you eat at your friends so its fair with no resentment.

The one person cooks and another does the dishes is usually only common within your own household or when immediate family such as adult children visit but not with guests.

Same. I wouldn’t dream of it! They’re a guest! Regardless if I help my friend at hers after cooking, I would never ask or expect a friend to do after-dinner cleaning up at my house. It would be so inconceivable to me.

If I was expected to wash up in someone else's kitchen (especially if it meant washing the pots and pans) I would much prefer not to bother going in the first place.

I can't vote as this is an "it depends" situation.

A formal dinner party, then that tends to 'be hosted' and there is no expectation the guests will lift a finger.
Family round for a bite to eat, or friends who used to house share or whatever, everyone mucks in.

The issue here is the mismatch in what you both think the relationship is.

So OP, are you wanting the friend to offer to wash up and you'd politely decline, or are you actually aggrieved she doesn't wash the pots when youve cooked?

Is it just the offer youre wanting, or are you expecting manual labour in return for food?

No it’s nothing formal - we eat on the sofa whilst catching up with a glass of wine with some crappy reality show in the background!

I think I find it slightly more irking recently as her appetite has gone through the roof and she raids the freezer for a desert (not usually offered) as soon as we’ve eaten! This sounds terrible to say but she has been mentioning going on that manjaro and I’m secretly hoping she does so the contents of my freezer are safe!

It’s the offer - i’d always decline, but it’s a matter of principle.

Of course they should wash up. Also that toilet isn't going to clean itself. And would it kill them to do some ironing?

1. guests don't clear up
2. if she doesn't do it in your house, don't offer in hers
3. lock your freezer 🤨 (but seriously - just say No, we don't have anything)

YABVU. I wouldn't like to come to YOUR house for 'dinner' if I was expected to wash up after it. Good grief, do you expect people to run the vacuum cleaner around too, and get your washing off the line?

Nope because I’d never wash up to her high standard (I have a dishwasher) I do take everything to the kitchen

I do offer to strip the bed because she’s got a bad back. I do argue with her not to strip in between my visits every 6 weeks or so for a couple of times (so 3 times in about 7 months) as it’s only me in it and she does struggle to put the covers back on

Ah here! If you're not going to take her up on it, why on earth are you getting so het up?!

So you know your guest likes desert but you don’t approve?

There was a thread the other day where the Op had clearly monitored the consumption of crisps and was annoyed a guest poured an extra glass of wine.

Why host if you don’t want to host?

God no, I’d never expect a guest to wash up or even offer. And if she’s still hungry it sounds like you’re not serving enough either. Way enough to get a quick desert if you know she has a sweet tooth or bulk out meals if the portion size is the issue. Sounds like boating isn’t your strong point 😬

I would always offer and help with clearing up plates and loading the dishwasher.