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Original poster

Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

382 replies

Christmasoutlaw · 29/09/2025 18:58

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

OP posts:
SirBasil · 29/09/2025 19:00

in this case? i would tell DH that he can, of course, do whatever he wants but that i and the DCs would be spending Christmas as planned with my mum.

And then let him choose to upset you or his mum.

Maxorias · 29/09/2025 19:02

Is it possible to have a quiet Christmas at yours but DH go spend a bit of time at his parents' to see his siblings ?

But otherwise I'd worry about your parents and let DH worry about his, especially since your mum will need your support given the situation.

24Dogcuddler · 29/09/2025 19:02

I’d do the family Christmas you planned originally. Put yourself and your family first on this occasion.
You could see your husband’s family on another day.

sladtheinkaler · 29/09/2025 19:03

Is the problem that MIL will be cross if you and DH have Christmas at hme with your parents?

RandomMess · 29/09/2025 19:05

If your Mum isn’t up to a full day at yours DH, you & DC could go to the in-laws in the evening.

Fleur405 · 29/09/2025 19:05

Adults who have tantrums when they don’t get their own way are only able to do that because all the other adults around them put up with it.

Just tell her you’re sorry she can no longer make it to yours. And then crack on as planned!

Itiswhysofew · 29/09/2025 19:06

Christmases change and grown ups have to accept that. Your MIL doesn't mind suiting herself, so why should you?

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 29/09/2025 19:06

Don't you dare let that woman trample over your plans. . Mad on your behalf op.

CatherinedeBourgh · 29/09/2025 19:06

I'm sorry you are having a tough time with your mother's health, but you do know you are being unreasonable, don't you? The only thing that would make you happy is if your MIL accepts not seeing one of her dc on Xmas day to suit you exactly? No other alternatives work? And she's being a bitch to want to spend xmas with both her dc?

whatcanthematterbe81 · 29/09/2025 19:08

You say that Dh will miss out on seeing his siblings if you don’t go, but sounds like he wasn’t going to see them anyway since they are not invited to yours…

MaskAndMartini · 29/09/2025 19:09

You need to put your mum first in this scenario. You, DH and DC need to spend Christmas with her. PIL can do whatever the fuck they like.

saraclara · 29/09/2025 19:09

I'm of MIL's generation and it would never occur to me that it was my right to decide where the extended family Christmas should be!
My kids know that I'm always up for hosting if that's what they'd like, but it's down to them. They each have a set of in-laws too, and one DD has children. Two of my kids/their partners have very limited time off, one of them always working boxing day, and another sometimes having to work Christmas Day.

So I wait patiently and just keep my fingers crossed.

How dare she just announce it in the WhatsApp group without even asking anyone?!

Gabby8 · 29/09/2025 19:09

Just do as you originally planned especially given the circumstances. “Oh thanks for the offer but we’d in the circumstances we’d prefer to stick with our original plan, you’re still welcome to come over at any point though”

FuzzyWolf · 29/09/2025 19:10

Just stick with the original plan and if your inlaws aren’t there, that’s up to them and you can see them another time.

Zapx · 29/09/2025 19:10

Did she forewarn you? If not, she is being massively unreasonable given that she had already accepted.

If it were me I’d totally crack on without them. You invited them, they don’t want to come, no need for drama, you just do Christmas at yours as planned.

Catsknowbest · 29/09/2025 19:11

Having lost both my parents this is a no brainer for me. Mum comes first and MIL had no right to do this.

Peanutbutterflies · 29/09/2025 19:12

But your dh was never going to see his siblings on Christmas day anyway and your mil is possibly trying to find a way so she can see all her grandchildren on one day rather than trampling on your plans.

Catsknowbest · 29/09/2025 19:13

CatherinedeBourgh · 29/09/2025 19:06

I'm sorry you are having a tough time with your mother's health, but you do know you are being unreasonable, don't you? The only thing that would make you happy is if your MIL accepts not seeing one of her dc on Xmas day to suit you exactly? No other alternatives work? And she's being a bitch to want to spend xmas with both her dc?

No its the MIL thats being unreasonable. She's literally taken over.

CuteOrangeElephant · 29/09/2025 19:13

Would your mum even be allowed to go to such a big gathering? My mum is going through chemo as well and her oncology nurse has told her she needs to be very careful.

Owly11 · 29/09/2025 19:13

You are being unreasonable. You want a quiet Christmas with your mum, understandably, and your mil wants to host. You do what you want and let mil do what she wants. I can’t see why it’s such a big drama.

GabriellaMontez · 29/09/2025 19:14

Peanutbutterflies · 29/09/2025 19:12

But your dh was never going to see his siblings on Christmas day anyway and your mil is possibly trying to find a way so she can see all her grandchildren on one day rather than trampling on your plans.

This

Saltpepperetal · 29/09/2025 19:14

CatherinedeBourgh · 29/09/2025 19:06

I'm sorry you are having a tough time with your mother's health, but you do know you are being unreasonable, don't you? The only thing that would make you happy is if your MIL accepts not seeing one of her dc on Xmas day to suit you exactly? No other alternatives work? And she's being a bitch to want to spend xmas with both her dc?

Is this for real?
This situation was all of the MiL's making.
She had accepted OP's invitation and then had the cheek to try and force OP to invite other people along.
She obviously has no consideration of OP's mothers health.
OP should do what is best for her mother and herself and if her DH has any decency and loyalty he will be spending his Christmas day with his wife.

inamo · 29/09/2025 19:14

I suspect this is the first of many similar threads in the run up to ahem.... the season of goodwill, kindness, generosity and love. Yes that's right Christmas.

OP please discuss this heart to heart with your DH. Compromise and maybe suggest having your Christmas Day dinner and early evening with your folks, then DH can go over to his parents for the evening/night time with his siblings. He could stay over if he wants a drink. I know you will be on your own (unless Mum and Dad stay on with you) but personally I would prefer that than visiting MIL. Would that work?

WhatFlavourIsIt · 29/09/2025 19:14

The obvious solution is to have your family over for the day and at some point maybe after dinner your husband and kids can go to his mum's and you can enjoy a quiet evening with your parents. If Mil isn't happy so what, what's the worst that can happen?.

Charliebradbury · 29/09/2025 19:15

CatherinedeBourgh · 29/09/2025 19:06

I'm sorry you are having a tough time with your mother's health, but you do know you are being unreasonable, don't you? The only thing that would make you happy is if your MIL accepts not seeing one of her dc on Xmas day to suit you exactly? No other alternatives work? And she's being a bitch to want to spend xmas with both her dc?

So op should change christmas plans for her sick mother to suit MIL. If OPs mum doesn't want to go to MIL's then she will miss out of Xmas with one of her Dc's. So only MIL's Xmas happiness is actually important. Not OP's and not OP's sick mothers.
OP do Xmas how you like DH can either stay with you or go to his mums and his choice will tell you a lot about him I think.

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