Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

Wtf? Is this a joke?

You're the mother-in-law, aren't you?

Your mum is not going to want a large gathering. Just invite your parents and if dh wants to be with siblings let him or go to them next day. MIL should not expect you to change plans

I don't understand why people aren't just clear about what they want from Christmas at the start! Just decline and say you'll be doing as you planned.

Think I must be reading a completely different post from you.

She’s been very rude not to decline your invitation and explain she will make alternative plans, this means you didn’t have the opportunity to discuss or explain with her.

Which is fine! If she didn’t want a conversation she won’t get one- confirm your plans remain unchanged but you hope they’ll have a wonderful time.

It said this nowhere. MIL wants to invite HER sister and nieces/nephews.

DH family is invited.

MIL wanted DH’s extended family and has now pulled out after accepting because she couldn’t invite 5 extra adults.

Your mum is having chemo! I am livid on your behalf. She sounds unbelievable. I would have your Xmas with your parents as planned. If your husband is desperate to see his parents on the day then he can drive to them, but imo serious illness trumps everything and if it were my husband’s mother I’d be letting them decide that year. Life is literally too short.

No, sorry, I don’t think I explained it well in the OP. DH’s siblings were invited to ours along with PIL. MIL wanted to invite her sister and family i.e DH’s aunt and cousins as well.

Sorry by which I mean, if my husband’s mother had cancer, she and he would choose Christmas plans that year.

Does your MIL know that your DM is undergoing chemo?

If she does, this is really awful behaviour on your MIL's part. She got the message loud and clear that Christmas was going to be at yours because your mum is having treatment and she's the priority this year. She couldn't stand not being with all of her DC, however, so is now expecting your DM and DF to have Christmas with HER family (and I bet she's doing that regretfully, just to get what she wants ie all her DC and GDC around her). Can she not handle one year, just one year, without every single child and grandchild?

I get so irrationally cross with these threads 😂. I haven't had Christmas with my family in over 15 years (we live continents away, DC don't have a long enough Christmas break to warrant the cost and jet lag). People don't know how good they have it with every-other-year, or some but not all of their DC. I find it so pathetic and puerile.

I'd tell your DH that he's free to pop over to see his mum and siblings after your Christmas day is done in your house. He needs to weigh up his MIL who is undergoing chemotherapy and his mother who wants yet another Christmas as per usual.

ETA I've just seen she's doing this so she can be with her own sister/niece/nephew/BIL!! The woman's crazy!! I really, really hope your DH does the right thing.

From the username that was my assumption, I think she’s in character 😂

Your mil was taking for granted she could invite the rest of the family to your home and perhaps was really engineering a big get to gather at hers with everyone really. But just do what is best for your mum and your husband should be supporting this without any fuss. He could pop to see his family in the afternoon or you see them on boxing day.

Absolutely 100% do the Christmas you had planned at your home with your parents. Your mum probably won't want a big crowd anyway if she'll be in the middle of chemo; plus her immune system will be lower.

I'd expect your DH to be with you and your DCs and parents on Christmas. All day. His mum deciding to undermine your plans to suit herself isn't your issue and your DH needs to back you on this. He can drop round with your DCs on a different day.

I agree that no pressure should be put on the OP’s DH by his MIL, but then OP shouldn’t do that either. There will be a way that DH can be supportive to his own MIL and wife, and still get to spend some time with his family. They still have three months to come up with a plan.

I’m wondering just how enthusiastic that initial acceptance of the invitation was. It’s not that hard to imagine a scenario where the MIL thanked her son for the invitation still thinking she had time to think about it and ask her other children what they wanted to do and OP took it as a definite yes. Making family Christmas plans is always a little bit complicated because extended family might need to be considered and it’s not one single persons special day, so everyone’s ideas of what they want have to be equally considered.

If your mom will be having chemo, her immune system will take a big hit and Xmas parties are notorious for spreading the usual suspects like influenza and RSV and COVID. Bigger and more people is not better in her case.

Have your mom to yours and be sure to uninvite your MIL. This actually might work out better if your mom is immunocompromised. You don't want a whole bunch of people coming to yours when you've got somebody on chemo there. Wishing her luck with her chemo.

Let your MIL do her thing. You've got bigger stuff to prioritize than her trying to bring extra people and having a hijack party when told no. She's got no sense at all

I think it's so easy to be attached to certain ideas of Christmas but honestly just stay at home with your parents, your husband and your children . You'll have a great time.

I don't think you should give them the power to disrupt your plans. It wasn't right for them to decline their invite after accepting it and spitefully announce that "Christmas is at ours". Don't bow down to them. It's one Christmas. Your husband can see his family on boxing day and spend Christmas with them next year.

Its also fine to just not invite them to Christmas and choose to spend a Christmas with just your family. You can alternate. I think spending Christmas with in-laws is nice but I wouldn't want to do it every year because I can't relax round them like I can my own family. We get on and I feel comfortable round them but it just different isn't it.

This was my thought too. If they've ditched your DH too, why would he make the effort to go and see them?

Agree with pp. ‘ah it’s a shame you won’t be able to make it to us on Christmas after all. Let’s be sure to meet up on a different day over the holidays instead’.

Tell her to fuck off and remind your husband who he's actually married too.

Stay home and enjoy the time with your Mum. What else is important?

Yes, this

Seems like a good compromise to me-but what do I know….

Is the aunt usually included in Christmas plans? To be fair, if the norm is that she is and that was MIL’s initial assumption, you can understand why she would feel bad about “ditching” her this year and was trying to put things “right” (as she saw it). But - equally - fair enough for you to say “no thanks - doesn’t suit us/my parents so we will stick to plan A”. I’d expect some sort of apology from MIL and for her to accept the situation with grace, though…..

First answer nails it.

@Christmasoutlaw mam dad passed away few days before christmas last year…cancer. I was 7 months pregnant. From my own experience i would say do what you feel is best for you and your mom. Fuck your MIL’s. Have no remorse and think about your mom because it does sting when you get another christmas with in laws but not your own mom. I wish your mom recovery