Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

exactly . Mil has done nothing wrong.

Then she shouldn't have accepted!!

To change the plans without a word is incredibly rude

She must have known that you didn’t have space for more people on top of who’d you’d already invited (8 adults + children?) as I’m guessing she’s been to yours before. This makes it doubly infuriating of her to be so controlling and interfering. It should’ve at the very least been a conversation first.

Tell MIL to go to hell OP, from what you've said this clearly isn't the first time she'd had a hissy fit and caused trouble. Also, in all honesty, I don't even see why you're worried about your DH missing out on seeing his siblings, as he'd obviously already agreed to your plans before his Mother started sticking a spoke in the wheel, so presumably wouldn't have seen his siblings on Christmas Day anyway.

Why, oh why, do people make such a big deal of having everything their own way at Christmas? If I decide I want to host Christmas, I invite everyone that I would like to share it with me, well in advance. If they decide to come, great, if they want to spend it with others, then that's fine too, but I absolutely HATE people who put pressure on others to bend to their will, when Christmas after all is supposed to be about love, and kindness, and I'm afraid manipulating people to do what YOU want them to, is neither of those things in my opinion.

The comprehension on this thread...

MiL ACCEPTED first

I think MIL is being rude & you need to look after your own parents. I have a very controlling MIL this is the sort of s**t she pulls.

Have your own Xmas. Your husband is a grown up he can miss one Xmas day with his siblings for your poor Mum.

The Op said it was her MIL’s sister and DH’s adult cousins.

Do not 'compromise' with a woman who does this.

She's a narc.

But the MiL accepted and then changed the plans publicly without an apology

Tell your MIL that things will be different this year as your mother is not well and you will be focussing on her getting better as this is your priority at the moment. Don't worry about the fall out. She is not the centre of the world and you will get to see the real side of her from the way she reacts. Stand your ground.

Do the plan. Your mother might not want to be around a crowd anyway. Doesn't chemo mess with the immune system?

Just tell your bloke he can go to his mothers if he wants but the plans still on.

Then you haven't read the OP's posts properly

It's September ffs. Christmas is 3 months away. It's totally fine to change plans after a few days reflection.

Yes, but that doesn’t automatically mean they wanted to go. Maybe they’d prefer to be at home with their aunt and cousins instead of going round to their brother's to entertain his kids and his in laws.

Let hubby go to his mums and you spend it with your mum, not worth risking your mums health visiting so many others.

OP is not being unreasonable and MIL is being selfish. As adults, you don’t see your children every Christmas because they also have a whole other family to think about. You suck that up, and you compromise. You have empathy that a woman going through chemo might not want a busy Christmas in a strangers house and you make allowances for that. That’s what a healthy compassionate adult would do.

@Blessthismess2 @itsgettingweird

The OP DID invite all of MIL's children. She didn't invite all of her aunts-in-law or her cousins-in-law.

The reading and comprehension levels of some people on this website are so low

@Christmasoutlaw
You explained it perfectly well. Reading comprehension skills are worryingly poor on Mumsnet.

Exactly what I would do….

I would expect my husband to stick with the plans agreed upon and accepted, particularly given the very serious reason those plans were made in the first place.

OP and her husband are a team and family - if her husband went along with his mother’s nastiness, he would be disrespecting his wife and confirming that he prioritises his MIL over his wife and children.

None of this applies. The way I read it, all of DH’s siblings were invited to OP’s for Christmas. MiL wants five other members of the family in addition, and they haven’t got the room. I’ve recently been through cancer treatment and it’s not only exhausting but it has some nasty effects on bodily functions. I think it’s likely OP wanted her mum to have a quiet Christmas with her, where she would feel at home and could cope with the effects of ongoing treatment. She invited her PIL and DH’s siblings so they wouldn’t feel left out. I think on this occasion MiL is being totally unreasonable in insisting they all rock up to hers for a larger gathering that OP’s mum may not be up to or feel comfortable with. If this was my mum, what she wanted would come first and if others didn’t like it then too bad. It’s one Christmas and cancer is a game changer.

It's absolutely not fine to change the plan without any consultation and announce it on the family WhatsApp as a done deal.

I can't believe that you'd be okay with that if you were hosting and suddenly your mother in law decreed that half of your guests would not be coming.

This

I know? So what? MIL decided she also wanted to spend Christmas with her nieces and sister. She's allowed?
So OP + DH decline and spends it with OP's parents and their kids. Thats it. Mil has done absolutely nothing wrong .

No wonder you're enraged! What a manipulative cow.

I'd be responding in the family group chat, "That's a shame you've changed the hosting plans we'd made without any discussion with us, we'd already booked the turkey! We had been looking forward to hosting all of you. Enjoy your Christmas together and hopefully we'll get to see you at some point over the holidays."

As for your DH, well, he's well under her manipulative spell. Considering how ill your DM is, he really should spend Christmas at home with his family (aka you and your children). I'd be so disappointed if he sided with his DM on this one.