Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

Op mil was staggeringly rude! Worse still because your mother is ill. Stick to the original plan. I would just say thanks Mil but we will continue with the original plan and see you in the new year. I wouldn’t engage with this behaviour at all.

Wow, so rude of her. You and DH invited them and they accepted. That should have been the end of it - your in-laws and parents at yours for Christmas Day.

She then wanted you to invite other people and sulked when you - quite rightly - declined.

You and DH need to stick to the original plan - it’s his mum that changed it (because people probably enable her to be petulant and rude). If he’ll miss seeing his siblings he wouldn’t have seen them on the original plan anyway, which he agreed to.

I’d never invite MIL again to be honest - mine used to pull stunts like this all the time and I wish I’d shut it down first time round.

Have the Christmas you and DH planned and remind DH his mum is the issue, no one else.

This. Do what is best for your family.

Have Christmas at yours with your immediate family and your parents, and then go to your in laws in the evening? Alternatively, let your DH go for late afternoon / evening and visit your in laws Boxing Day? I think you’ve got a very good reason not to go.

Just continue with your plans. Chances are your mum will prefer a quieter Christmas anyway.

DH’s siblings are invited! It’s MIL’s sister that wasn’t

Mil should have accepted or declined.
She tried to invite others to her ds’s home and when told no she unilaterally decided to change the venue.
She could have replied that she would stay at home as she wanted to invite other family and that op was welcome to come but that she understood if op wanted to stick to her original plans.

MIL is choosing to spend Christmas with her sister and her sisters family - instead of her own son.

Her choice.

I think it would have been fair enough for dmil to say that she didnt want to leave anyone out and to offer to host you all, and that she will stay home with her family even if you decline and to understand that it is an unusual year.

Sounds like she hasnt done that though and had stepped on your toes instead. Isnt it usual for many/most couples to swap between in laws each xmas, so there shouldnt be an issue dh not seeing his family for one year?

Do not pander to this woman. Enjoy the original plan and let mil organise how she will see you all on another day. She has been so rude.

First post nails it. I’m guessing your DH has a lifelong case of F.O.G and could do with some professional help working through it.

If you stick to your plans then be ready for flying monkeys in the form of FIL or SIL laying on the emotional guilt. And MIL may resort to ‘sudden illness’ to double down on it all.

Id tell dh to go if he wants but you & the kids will be spending christmas with your mum & dad. No ifs, buts, about it.

Have I understood right - it's MIL's sister, your DH's aunt and cousins?

I would say she has chosen to spend the day with her sister and neices / nephews rather than her son and grandkids. Or whoever it is she's hosting. That's fair enough, just leave her to it. There are other Christmases. You made your plans, she has changed hers, yours stay the same.

What do you do other years?

I'd do this too.

I'd spend the day with my parents & children and talk to DH about it being ok if he wants to go to his parents & try to work out the best timing of that (& take the kids IF he & they want that, for a few hours)

MIL would be told very firmly that we HAD plans in place, she's changed them & stop any guilt/whinging. (I doubt your Mum would want to go to a huge gathering??)

I hope your Mum is feeling good on the day & can enjoy it. You sound lovely so I'm sure you've already thought about it, but it would be good to make a bedroom 'hers' for the day that she can retreat to if she wants to at any time.

I hope she makes a full recovery from the bastard c xx

Your MIL has been rude, but if I’m understanding correctly your DH’s siblings were invited to your house but now he won’t see them - so they have also just abandoned the invitation they’d previously accepted. “Thanks brother for the invitation we’d accepted, but mum has said we’re going to hers now”
They are rude as well.

Oh ok. This just seems like fairly normal family Christmas planning to me though. You find out what everyone’s doing, who wants to be included and who is doing their own thing and then go from there.

It’s family, and I can’t really see the harm in a mother asking her son if his aunt could be included in a family celebration as long as it was accepted politely when she was told no. She wants to be able to include her sister for whatever reason and there’s nothing wrong with that. She’s opening up her home to everyone who wants to be included. That doesn’t make her a bitch MiL.

your mil will just have to see her dd another day
surely people take it in turns?
obviously not in this case.
just carry on with your plans, dh will have to see his ds another day

I don’t blame you for seething.
I understand that she would like all of her tribe together but the way she went about it was really rude and insensitive, given your mum’s health.

You need to sit down with your husband and make a plan together. How about you all go to your in laws for Boxing Day? Are they near enough to do that?

Why do all families have t spend it together? They don't want to come to yours and send it with in laws. It's nothing I be seething about. Most families alternate parents at Christmas anyway. This year it's your parents. Sound like PIL will have their own good time.

Also, you say you only invited them so they didn't feel left out. So your conscious is clear - nothing to feel guilty about - you got in there first and offered. You would have made them welcome. Job done. And it's not as though you really wanted them there particularly either so win win.

Don't let her guilt you into a whole other thing of her making!

Well she lost her invite. Enjoy Christmas with your mum xxxxx

No but it would be polite to at least say, "Thanks for inviting us but I think we will stay home after all because I don't want my sister and her family to be on their own", rather than just announcing that you've made another plan after previously accepting an invitation.

And not put any pressure on your son and his family to come to yours instead.

Hello @ChristmasoutlawMIL!!!

Did you read the OP? MIL accepted an invitation and that should have been the end of discussions.

But no, she wanted to invite other people and when it was explained this wouldn’t work, she re-arranged things without having the courtesy to let @Christmasoutlawknow she was now declining the previously accepted invite. MIL is totally in the wrong here (and I’d say the same whoever this was).

Look at it this way:

Friend invites me to their house warming party. I accept.

I then ask if I can bring a few extra guests. Friend - understandably - says no, sorry, I’ve not got room.

I then message our mutual friends on Chat and say “hey all - I’ve decided that instead of going to Friend’s house warming party, you must all come and party at my BIGGER, BETTER house. Friend can come too if she wants, I don’t mind, but make sure you’re all AT MINE or I’ll sulk and create a huge fall out”.

Sorry about your mum being ill and I hope her treatment goes well.
YANBU and your MIL is being manipulative.
shes reframed it to suit herself but personally I would treat it as a declining of your invitation and let her get on with her own Christmas and enjoy the time with your mum and your own children.

What is the usual Christmas routine?

I’d respond with “Hi MIL, I’m surprised to see this message as I understood that you would be spending it with us. Whilst I’m sure you’ll be busy, you’re still welcome to pop in at any time during the day” and leave it at that.

She’s trying to force you into alternative plans. Don’t let her.