Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

She is not being in the LEAST bit unreasonable

MiL can see ADULT dc on another day

It's really rude to accept an invitation and then plan something else and expect everyone to fall into line.

Have Christmas at home with your parents. Pop in to see your in laws maybe on Boxing Day.

Can’t you all go over on Boxing Day? Surely your DH can get over not seeing his siblings in actual Christmas Day- surely most people who are in a couple don’t see their siblings on Christmas Day itself every single year? I mean, if the siblings who were coming to yours and are now going to your MIL’s have spouses, they won’t see their siblings.

And why do you think the OP wants a quiet Christmas with her mum, exactly?

Respond swiftly with something along the lines of
‘Many thanks for the invitation but we won’t be able to join as we are hosting my parents at ours.’

Your Mum comes first and if MIL doesn’t like it - tough. I suspect she has form for this type of selfish behaviour. Your DH must make his own decision about Christmas. Have a fabulous time with all the most wonderful food, drinks and treats.

You and your DH can visit with his family on another day.

i wouldn’t be ok with my DH heading off to his parents and not spending the day with me and our child. Your nuclear family is the priority. Extended family often has to take turns once you reach adulthood.

This is why we leg it to Southern Spain for three weeks over Christmas/NY. Bliss, but it was a tough ride saying we were no longer participating in anyone's Christmas. The difference I suppose is my parents are deceased and DH's are happy with whatever anyone does or wants to do. We will see them before and after we leg it.

Isn’t it MIL’s sister and family who isn’t invited? So DH’s aunt, uncle and adult cousins?

I thought DH’s siblings and parents were invited.

Honestly ignore her. Have christmas with your mum. Your DH should stick up for you, and have Christmas at home with you.

As someone going through cancer treatment, I personally wouldn't want to go to the in-laws. They could have the comfiest house, be the kindest of people... I just want to be somewhere I know pretty well with people who care about me and totally understand if I need a rest/can only manage a sprout. And I'd want to be near home. I don't want the stress of travelling/social.graces with people I don't know closely.

So I'd be making you have a really crappy conversation with in-laws to say, it just doesn't work this year.

And you'd bloody sorted it all out too!! I feel for you. I think your MIL is trying to be kind but missing the point of why you wanted it at yours.

Your mistake was the people pleasing in the first place. You had your arrangements. You then felt guilty and extended the invite to your in laws. That was your first mistake. Next time , suit yourselves and just host PIL next year.

You'll have to untangle yourself out of this one now ! I'd personally say "thanks Deirdre. That's a really kind offer. But the original invite was for my mum and you and David. If you'd like to have your other children with you on Xmas day, that's absolutely fine. But in that case, me and DH will stick with the original plans of being at ours ."

MIL has shown her true colours. She’s an entitled, selfish cow.

DH should be standing with you
on this one. If he’s not… then he needs to reconsider his priorities.

In your shoes, OP, I’d crack on as you are and just see your parents on Christmas Day. Keep the children with you if DH wants to go to his mum’s - they should be at home with their toys.

Have a lovely Christmas and let DH deal with his mother. Have the fanciest of fancy christmases.

I'm interpreting the OP as was MIL's sister and her husband etc going to be invited?

So MIL, the siblings etc were due to go to the OP's, but not MiL's sister, brother in law and their adult kids.

But now none of them are going as they'll all go to Mils

This.

Can DH not go to his family on Boxing Day ?

I think this is the sensible course of action.

I feel like I’m missing something here. What exactly has Mil done wrong?

You invited her, she declined and let you know what she was doing instead. That’s it. Your DH would have missed out on being with his siblings either way as you hadn’t invited them surely?

No, MIL could see all her DC. It’s her sister (plus sister’s family) that she wanted to invite.

No.

OP invited MIL.
MIL accepted.
MIL then tried to invite extra people.
OP said there wasn't room.
MIL went quiet and then a few days later announced her new plan to host, without even saying she was no longer coming to the OP's.

No, she said she invited “DH’s family”, which I assume was parents and siblings, and the MIL wanted to invite her sister (DH’s aunt) plus family.

You already have plans. If DH wants to see his mum then maybe he could go round for part of the day (assuming they live close enough).

Who really thinks it's acceptable to extend an invitation to someone else's home to other guests? If they had been invited she wouldn't have needed to ask as they'd have been told so.

How rude.

Well, it isn't ideal to have accepted the invitation and then backed out, but it seems like they maybe misunderstood your dh's sibling would be invited.

If dsil also wants to spend Christmas with her dm, I can see that it's hard for her to be asked to choose your dh over her, so them staying home and I voting everyone may seem fairest.

I'm sure you'll have a nice Christmas with your dp.

Well you invited them and they accepted but changed the goal posts so why would there be a big fall out if you say thanks, but no thanks, we are sticking to same plan. In all fairness your mum coming to your house where she is comfortable with a small group of people she knows well, is not the same as going to your MIL’s with a lot more people. She may not be up for that. If you want to avoid a fall out for now i’d say that it’s unlikely your mum would be up for the longer drive and larger gathering but you can’t be sure until nearer to the time. Sure your DH can manage without his family for one year given the circumstances and fact it was his family who changed the goal posts. See them before or after.

Can u do boxing day with your MIL?