Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

I think it is not unreasonable for MIL to want to see her sister's family at Christmas? She might even feel that she is intruding on an occasion that has been arranged with your side of the family. Ultimately DH's siblings can decide whether they want to spend the day with their mum or with you. Surely you can see MIL and DH's siblings on a day other than Christmas Day, or maybe they or you can pop over and see each other on Christmas Day itself? I think YABU sorry. As mumsnet likes to say, you gave MIL an invitation not a summons.

OP gave MiL an invitation which she accepted, alongside DH’s siblings, who were also invited. Far from thinking she was intruding MiL then wanted to extend the invitation to five other family members, which OP couldn’t accommodate. Instead of discussing alternatives with OP, and without even declining the invitation she announced on WhatsApp that she was now hosting everyone instead. Not a single thought to the fact that OP’s mum is being treated for cancer and it may not be convenient or even appropriate. I don’t think actually rearranging it was unreasonable, but the way it was done, was rude and dismissive.

OP says he would miss hanging out with them on Christmas Day but I got the impression that the issue was more that there would be fallout from MiL if he didn’t attend. I agree they shouldn’t engage with the drama, but sometimes that’s not so easy and if OP is dealing with her mums’ illness I would have expected MiL to be a bit more empathetic. Changing your plans is fine, but there’s a way to do it. And accepting an invitation then announcing on WhatsApp that you’ve unilaterally changed the plans is just rude, and indicative of someone who expects everyone else to dance to her tune.

Christmas or not its rude to accept a dinner invitation, and then cancel and reinvite many of the same guests to your own dinner. It puts both the OP’s DH and sibling in an awkward position )particularly if they are put under any pressure to attend the second invitation)

She didn’t even have the grace to call the Op and discuss it in advance!

It should have been handled with much more communication and grace.

It’s not the journey, it’s the fact that OP’s mother has cancer and is having chemo. If she’s still in treatment at Christmas she will be at risk at a large family gathering because her immune system will be severely compromised. I think for one Christmas OP is entitled to put her mum first and do whatever she wants and feels she can cope with.

This. As you say, it’s not the fact that she’s now hosting, it’s the way it’s been done. No prior discussion - and considering OP’s mum is ill and going through difficult treatment, no consideration that OP is probably not in a position to attend a big family gathering because her mum may not be be up to it. Incredibly rude and a little indication of the nature of the person.

DH’s siblings were invited to OP’s for Christmas dinner along with PiL.

What are you missing?

The OP's mum is undergoing chemotherapy for cancer.

The MIL is throwing a strop because the OP doesn't have room for 5 extra adults (the MIL's sister and her family)

The OP, understandably, wants to be with her parents this Christmas.

No - many people had been responding saying DH wouldn't be seeing his siblings anyway, or that it wasn't fair for MIL to have to choose which of her children she saw at Christmas.

Those aren't different opinions on the situation, they are misunderstandings of the situation. Everyone is entitled to see it differently, but people weren't paying attention to the actual set up.

No worries, Notonthestairs, think most posters would agree that the OPs Mum has to be the main consideration.

Why care if she's cross? Mil shifted the goal posts in the fact inviting other people and changing the dynamic.
Let her throw a wobbly, she get over it and if she doesn't that's on her. You h could see his siblings at some point over christmas if he wanted to. But your mum and your family come first.

Fair enough, I agree with you

@hydriotaphia what about mils sulking and fall out when she doesn't get her own way

I think the big issue is that mil did not discuss a possible change of plans with you before announcing it on the family chat. Had she called and said I was hoping to see Aunty Betty and Uncle Alf at Christmas, how would you feel if I offered to host instead? Then I think you would feel less angry.
As far as I can tell your DH hasn't said anything about not going to his Mum's. You are assuming he will be upset.
I guess I would chat with your DH and ask him how he would feel about having Christmas at your house as previously planned and then, if he wants, he could head over to his Mum's in the evening. By that time your mum and your children will probably be happy to to have a chill tea.

@Christmasoutlaw did you come to any decisions yet? I hope everything has worked out OK and you'll get Christmas with your mum.

Stay strong @Christmasoutlaw !

Fewer guests will also limit germs for your mum and be less tiring for her. Have Christmas at home.

You have two options. If our mum is happy for a big Christmas then go to the in-laws. Less stress for you too.

If not , use your mum's illness as an excuse. Thanks but I feel that may be a bit overwhelming for mum at the moment. DH and I will come over in the morning to exchange presents X

Your MIL is being unreasonable, can’t believe the cheek of some people! Stick to your plans and have a lovely quiet Christmas with your parents and see DHs family another time, have them all over for new year’s perhaps.

This

I would let your MIL know so many people would be too much for your mum even if space wasn’t an issue. Chemo is hard. Put your mum first on Christmas Day. She’s precious.

The last thing your mum needs is the extra risk of infection if she’s undergone chemotherapy. Have a wonderful time in your home and if your husband wants to visit his family let him but enjoy a restful day . Don’t feel blackmailed by mum in law!

Your mum is going through chemo, she is going to feel crappy enough without being forced to go to her daughter's in-laws for lunch. Your MIL is being out of order. Message MIL and explain again why you are doing things this way this year. Your DH can visit his family in the evening or on Boxing Day.

‘Thanks for the invite MIL, but as mum will still be going through chemo, we’ll be sticking to the original plan of being at our house for Christmas Day. We’d love to meet up on Boxing Day though - either at yours or ours?’

I would not be happy at the idea of DH going off to MIL instead of being with his wife & children!

The only solution here is for you to have Christmas at home with your parents as planned. Let MIL do her own thing and plan to visit them and siblings on a different day. Your DH shouldn't gripe about not seeing his siblings on the day itself if they weren't invited to yours anyway.

I totally understand the annoyance of MIL agreeing to a plan then bailing. At the same time, it's rarely possible to get absolutely everyone round the same table at Christmas, so just make an alternative arrangement to see that side of the family before or after the 25th. Let MIL moan and guilt trip if she wants. I bet if your husband said 'it's very kind for you to offer to host us all but of course we have to prioritise ChristmasOutlaw's mum since she's having cancer treatment and she just won't be up for that length of journey. Well see you on the 27th instead.' she wouldn't push back on it.