Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

Leave DH to do his thing and you and kids stay home.

One year my DH spent Xmas with his Mother and I went to my parents as MIL declined all invites as she was getting too old to be bothered with a big get together. No biggie, just a different set up for that year.

You and DH can have a Xmas meal another day during the holidays.

@jonthebatiste

If she does, this is really awful behaviour on your MIL's part. She got the message loud and clear that Christmas was going to be at yours because your mum is having treatment and she's the priority this year.

What makes you think OP has the right to dictate ‘the message loud and clear that Christmas was going to be at hers’?

If the DHs siblings are still at home, don’t you think the MIL has to consider what they want a bit more than what her DIL wants? It’s their Christmas too, and they don’t need to make their sister in laws parents their priority no matter what awful treatment they are going through.

Do you normally all spend it together with her sister? If so I can see that it's a communication mix up and she likely assumed that her sister was coming too.

If not, then she is being a bit manipulative and just wants everything her own way so it's fine to say no thanks. She declined your invite so please don't feel bad about decling hers. Your mum is who is important this year

Your mum is going through chemo - there’s absolutely no fucking way I’d be going anywhere MIL’s for Christmas

if they tantrum then they tantrum 🤷🏻‍♀️

Read the OP again

Carefully

"Christmas" being OP's Christmas with her husband and children and unwell mother and father. Christmas, to which she has extended an invitation to others...which they are at liberty to decline in favour of Christmas in THEIR home with their spouse/children/siblings.

There's not one single Christmas happening for all Christendom in one locale!

Wow what an awful woman trying to scupper your lovely Christmas plans! If I were your DH’s siblings I would be saying to MIL that I have already accepted an invitation to my brother’s so won’t be able to make it! You, your husband and the siblings have a lovely Christmas at yours with your mum while MIL hosts her sister and her sister’s children at her house. I can’t believe how cheeky she is!!!

It wouldn’t be fair on your parents if you made plans with them then suddenly made them go to someone’s house they’re not even related to for Christmas. DH needs to be a grown up and accept that this year he won’t spend it with his side of the family.

Plus an easy compromise is to visit them on Boxing Day surely?

I was going to post exactly this, plus feeling properly unwell, maybe having injections to do…a Christmas an hour away just isn’t kind fair or safe

I don’t understand the point of your question. I am not questioning the validity of what op wants, on the contrary, I totally support it. I also support what the mil wants to do. Luckily they can both do what they want to do - there is no conflict other than the unnecessary drama op is making about it.

DH’s siblings were invited to OP’s house. It was MIL’s sister that wasn’t

It might be better to have a smaller gathering for the sake of your DM’s lowered immunity.
In the circumstances inviting that many people might not have been wise, though I understand why it made sense at the time.

If you’re just expecting your own family, it will be easier to pivot if, closer to the time, your dm isn’t up to coming and you need to head to hers.

YANBU but it might also work out for the best.

You did read that @Christmasoutlaw's mum is going through chemo, yes?

And that's why she doesn't want any 'extras' to those already invited - especially as she has no room

Her mum won't want crowds, a further distance to travel and to be in a home where she can't just take herself off for a lie-down.

MiL has been, at best, spectacularly thoughtless (and I'm being kind)

Manipulative MIL. Stand your ground.

Would DHs siblings not stick with the invitation they already accepted?

Tell her no we will not be attending as seeing your parents takes precedence this year.

I'd host DHs siblings some other time over Christmas and sack MIL off this year.

First post nails it.

It's his mum that changed plans (initially accepting your invite then changing her mind) so her he should blame. Although it doesn't sound as though you live particularly far so surely he can still go and see his parents and siblings (presuming they also choose MiL over your invite) for an hour or two on boxing day or whenever as well?

Yes I thought that- or just nasty.

Open group WhatsApp…..

”hi MIL, we’ll be spending Christmas at our house this year as planned”.

send !

I wouldn’t even give it another thought !

The only thing that would make you happy is if your MIL accepts not seeing one of her dc on Xmas day to suit you exactly?

OP clearly extended an invitation to her DH’s siblings aka her MIL’s children…

Who pissed on your chips? Her mum is going through chemo ffs. You’re definitely living up to your username 😂

I think you are being totally unreasonable. Your MIL is allowed to spend Christmas how she wants? She isn't obliged to come to yours and miss out on spending time with her wider family just because you invited her?

Just decline the invite and spend it with your parents. If your DH isn't on board with that you have a DH problem!

That’s exactly what I thought!!!

Your MIL is totally within her rights to host for all her children.

You are totally within your rights to decline to host your mum.

But I don’t think you are right to be annoyed at Mil for wanting her family at Christmas -‘she did ask if her other DC could come and you said no.

Tell me you’re a “boy mom”…

It wouldn't occur to my DH to not spend Christmas with his wife and children and an ill MiL - he really liked her

He would not cave to his thoughtless mother

Just stick to your original plan. Your mil has decided not to come- that’s up to her. I wouldn’t even consider changing your plans in response. Your DH can see his family another day.