Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

It's ok if you don't love your in-laws, but honestly your post reads just like you're trying very hard to justify yourself not visiting.

Ultimately, they are your family and they might be annoying and say twatty things (I have similar in laws so I get it) but I agree with your DH, it's a couple of days and your DC will probably love it. If you are having an "easy" pregnancy, then 7 months it's too far along to take a few hours trip.

While I think YANBU not to go to the inlaws at any time this is a bit worrying, especially as you are about to have a baby

I’m sure your 4 year old will survive 2 nights away with his dad. Without meaning to sound horrible, he probably doesn’t need you as much as you think he does and even if he does kick of a bit it will do him good to get some quality time with his dad. He can’t cling to you forever. Send them off and enjoy a couple of days to yourself!

I went on a day trip to Blackpool on a coach when I was 33 weeks pregnant with my second. It was a good six hour round trip and I was fine. You are just making excuses not to go. And I agree with other posters that if your 4 year old child doesn't like being separated from you then you have your work cut out when the new baby arrives.

sounds like the pregnancy and the 4 year old are a lame excuse. By all means stay at home but let DH take DC. He is 4 and in the care of his dad and grandparents. Stop infantilising your DH and let him be parent too. of course he can look after his son. This all sounds very unhealthy and controlling

How long would you want to keep going the 'I can't be separated from my child overnight' though? At what age do you think it would be ok?

I know everyone is different but... I don't really know any mums personally that would not be comfortable being away from the child a night or 2, or 7, e.g. a child-free holiday. My mum and my friends' mums all worked jobs that involved conferences, travel etc and they'd all be away from their children now and again from a younger age than 4.

Besides, the child would be with their father, the other parent.

From my personal experience I'd say many people start allowing their child a bit of space and time away from them at this sort of age, also to ease the stress when it inevitably becomes a requirement to be apart sometimes.

Might be a good rehearsal chance fr your birth also, as I assume you'd be separated from your child a couple of nights then, and your child would be with their other parent.

On your main point, no need for you to travel, it's not something you want and need, just keep it simple and let DH go with DC.

It is only two days and you could break the journey up by stopping after 90 minutes, have a walk and refreshments - no doubt the 4 yr old would like to vent a bit too. Come on OP, be reasonable……..and actually, by going you’d show the MIL that you are the bigger person.

As long as you don't develop any pregnancy complications between now and then, I think it would be incredibly rude not to go, OP. It will also be much less fun for your DH. Take it from me, I was married to someone who acted like my family didn't matter, and it made me think much, much less of him. It's two nights, for heaven's sake! I used to have my difficult MIL to stay for two weeks, and once for a month!

YANBU, but I think you need to go. Suck it up, grit your teeth and after that you’ll have a very good reason not to go again for a while.

Good luck.

Totally agree

We went on a trip when I was 36 weeks pregnant to visit my SIL/BIL with our then 2 year old. They live about three hours away. I just took my hospital notes with me. It was fine.

You need to practice being away from your children, it’s not going to be good for him. What if you have a really hard birth and end up in hospital for a while?! He needs to learn to be away from you, it won’t hurt him. I also think you’re just using your pregnancy as an excuse. If you don’t want to go fine, but your husband should be allowed to take a 4 year old to see his parents! Who he’s not seen all year and won’t see at Christmas

I don't know what your plans are for the birth but you might well be separated for 2 nights. I would suggest this is an ideal opportunity for a dry run.

What's your plan for when you give birth? I'd have thought it sensible to give your DC an opportunity to be without you, as even a well-planned homebirth has the potential for you to need to go into hospital, potentially with your DH too, and so then he'd be without you anyway.

I completely empathise with you op, I wouldn't want to stay at my in-laws for 2 nights regardless of the scenario, I think some people here are being unnecessarily harsh about your DC and H going without you, I also wouldn't want to be without my 4yo for two nights.... But.... It will afford you the time alone when it really matters, ie when your newborn is here, and the pressure to visit them (or have them visit you) will be reduced as you have fairly recently made the trip... So if it were me, I'd encourage them to go without me, they all have their fill of each other and you can keep in (reasonable) regular contact with them during their visit ...

What is being done to address this issue?

Of course you can travel 3hrs at 7m pregnant.

But, clearly you don’t want to.

The real issue for me here is that your 4yr old can’t spend 2 days with their father. Either this is true, in which case it’s very concerning, or it’s an exaggeration to suit your arguments, which is also a concerning manipulation.

I would go for my dh.
Its these comprises that make a relationship more likely to last.
Resentments build up when you dont make the effort to sometimes do things like see the in laws .
To him they are his family and he obviously wants to see them and have his child with him which is natural.
Yes she says some dumb stuff but thats not that bad. Just ignore her or stand up to her .
I think the vast majority of people on here have the same problem.
Especially not to bad if its just once a year .

MIL sounds difficult, but such is life. I hope your son’s partner doesn’t treat you like this one day.

You sound a joy to entertain at Christmas. I used to celebrate with enthusiasm and a lot of hard work to make it enjoyable and exciting for DC a festival that my ex-DH's family celebrated. I trust you throw yourself into Christmas for the sake of your DC - and also celebrate whatever festivals your family celebrate?
Meanwhile, travelling at 7 mths pregnant is a lot easier than travelling with a baby. However, your relationship with MiL sounds toxic, and I don't know what to suggest about that.

Birth plans usually get thrown out the window as they don’t go to plan and you need to have a back up plan! If you need an emergency c section and stay in hospital for a week you need to build up resilience in your 4 year old that they can cope and be fine and happy with dad instead for potentially a week! How will they cope when you’ve got another child glued to you 24/7??? You’re not doing to be able to leave them alone together at this rate and you’ve got your child in this state as at the age of 4 they should be very secure in themselves and not being clingy and dependant on their mum!

If you don’t want it go just don’t go.
but it doesn’t sound as bad as maybe you think. Maybe just 1 night? Or for the day

Sorry OP but you are using your pregnancy as an excuse. Of course it is absolutely fine to travel 3 hours. Many, many, many people have travelled much longer and further and been more pregnant than that. These are your OH's parents and he sees them once a year. I think you need to make the effort and stop making excuses.

There might be issues around the birth given your DC and you can’t cope with being apart.

Yes, YABU.

He should go with DC as it's you not wanting to go. Your older child will have to get used to sharing you soon enough and it will be a good time for them to bond an cut the apron strings a bit.