Not to want to travel 3hrs to see my in laws at 7mo pregnant?

[amaliabnt]

DH has suggested we go and stay with his parents (about a 3-hour drive away) for 2 nights when I’ll be around 7 months pregnant, with our 4yo. Normally we only go once a year at Christmas, but this year we’re not going as by then we’ll have a very fresh newborn. My husband definitely wants to go with our 4yo (as opposed to just him alone) and our DC wouldn’t be happy spending 2 nights away from me, it would be stressful for DC, and in turn for me.

I don’t have a dangerous relationship with MIL, nothing abusive, but she can be very difficult and makes toxic comments. A few examples: before we conceived she would constantly say “are you pregnant yet?” knowing we were struggling; during my first pregnancy she joked she’d turn up at the hospital to “steal the baby”; she had a tantrum that I wanted DH at the birth; then later another tantrum that I hadn’t breastfed long enough. She’s also been pushy and critical when she stayed overnight at ours, so I avoid that now.

For context, my pregnancy has been straightforward so far, but I just don’t feel like a 3-hour drive, plus two nights dealing with MIL, at that stage. DH says it’s only two nights and we rarely go, but they already visit us once a month for the day.

So, AIBU to say no to this trip at 7 months pregnant, or should I just grit my teeth and go along with it?

Sorry for a bit of a long post, I’ve tried to include all the details so as not to drip feed (although I’m sure inevitably something will come up that I’ve forgotten to mention)

I think you need to just go. Yes it's not ideal, but it's important to your DH. For context we go to stay with PIL every 6-8 weeks. I don't love it but I do it for DH and DC. Your pregnancy gives you an excuse when you are there to go for a lie down and have a break.

Yes it's fine, but does it really need to be every second poster. I'm sure the op gets it by now

It’s family. She makes life very difficult for her DH if she just refuses to engage with his family at all.

Mumsnet users seem far too keen to jump to cutting people off, just because you don’t like them or can’t be bothered. When it’s relatives, doing that is quite a big deal…!

It's reasonable for you not to go but it's not reasonable for your DH and DC not to go just because it might be a bit difficult. Both of you refusing to countenance his actual father taking him somewhere at 4 years old is daft.

It doesn't, but that's what happens on threads, as you know.

your husband and child should be able to go away alone! your child is 4 not a baby

what if you had to go to hospital or have to stay in after the baby is born??

i think you are fair enough to not want to go - but it's a bit controlling of you to not allow husband take the child to visit grandparents tbh

They are your dh's parents and presumably he wants them in his life. Visiting them will always be an issue for you so need to find a way to make it more palletable. What about renting an airbnb near them so you are visiting but not in their space the whole time. Then you can retreat back to your airbnb and have your own space and some down time.

Yes you are being unreasonable to lie because you have admitted that if it was trip you wanted to go on the pregnancy wouldn't be an issue, so who exactly are you lying to about it, Your in laws or your husband?

If you are using your pregnancy as an excuse not to go on this trip to your husband then that is disgusting, at least be honest with the man.

And you are really doing a disservice to your child by stoking this anxiety around you not being there, and blocking attempts for them to bond together on their own, what do you think will happen when you have your baby, get that sorted now, LET them both get confident with each other so when the time comes it's not so much of a shock.

YANBU to want to go in these circumstances, even low grade digs are more difficult to cope with when you are pregnant and tired.
YABU to not take the opportunity to start getting your child used to accepting his father as main carer for a few days.
I would cut the trip to one night and either DH and DS go together with lots of prep, you will need to bury your feelings deep and sell it as a big adventure. Boys trip, new audio book for the car, favourite snacks etc. Alternative is that you go too but with a very clear conversation with DH first, he will do the bulk of chat with PIL, any digs, awkward questions he will back you up or you will stand up and walk out of the room.
The first option would be the best all round.

Yanbu to not go.

DH should go up with DC 4yo for either just one night or a day-trip. With baby #2 on the way DC1 needs to be ok with getting parental care from dad and dad needs to step up and do more active parenting. This trip will be good for both of them.

I never said anything about cutting anyone off FFS.

If someone is likely to make life difficult if I don't do what they say then frankly.... I'm much less likely to do it... especially if I didn't want to do it in the first place.

Makes zero difference if its relatives or not.

What is your DC going to do when you’re having the baby? Unless you’re planning a home birth with the DC present, they are going to have to get used to a short break away from you, so a trip with Dad for a few days is ideal practice. Your DC is 4 , so plenty old enough to spend some time away from you. They’ll be at school soon!

You’re blocking it completely. They are his parents. And you’re setting your child up
for a lifetime of anxiety

Play bitch games, win bitch prizes.

Of course you shouldn't go and make yourself very uncomfortable to visit someone who is nasty to you and is pushy and critical. Why would you want to be around her?

It might be time for your 4 year old to develop a bit of independence from you if you think he can't enjoy 2 days with his dad. What if you had to stay in hospital post baby? Your husband needs time to parent independently from you too. I think he should go along with his dad. Frame it to him as an adventure for the two of them, give him any special soothing items he likes, and they might develop a good bond through this.

The issue isn't the pregnancy, it's your relationship with your mil. So you need to decide whether you're prepared to visit her any more at all. If you are, for your dh's sake, then you'll need to suck it up. If you're not, then your dh either needs to go alone (with ds), or go alone (without ds). That's it really.

If you're not willing to have DH and DC go alone without you then I think you need to suck it up and go.

Otherwise you're preventing your DC and DH from having a relationship with their Grandma / mother all because you find her a bit irritating. The pregnancy is just an excuse.

I'm firmly of the opinion that life is too short for shit like this and if you don't want to go and stay for 2 nights, you shouldn't have to go and stay for 2 nights. You see your in-laws once a month, it's all good.

I might be moved to offer 1 night. But I'd stop using the pregnancy as an excuse and just say, I love your mum and dad but they're your mum and dad and it's a lot for me and DC to be away for 2 nights, let's just do one.

her DH gets to have the Christmas he wants sometimes though. And if OP is that set against it, then every other year (or however often he wants to go) he goes to his parents, with both DC and OP can stay home controlling her own actions.

Abolutely this. A 4 year old is fine to go to their grandparents with their dad and not their mum unless the grandparents or father are abusive or can't be trusted. DH used to visit his parents with DS when DS was 16 months old and he as absolutely fine with it.

DS was a clingly child but he clung to DH and to me. He was generally happy with either of us, though sometimes he preferred DH and sometimes me. Either way if one of us wanted to take DS to visit grandparents and either DH or I could not, or did not want to go on that prticualr visit, then the one who wanted to make the visit went with DS . We did this from an early age and DH's parents were a plane ride away so overnight stays were involved

If you DD get very upset and can't be comforted, your DH can come home early. if you reallly don't trust your DH with your 4 year old DD for 2 nights, you have bigger problems than whether you should go on the trip or not

OP do you dislike your MIL ?
Your examples are very nit picky ie MIL wanting to steal baby , am sure she was joking,I regularly ‘steal ‘ my grandchildren for the day ,it’s just a jokey expression ! Did she really have a tantrum? Or did she just express an opinion?
Encourage your husband to take DC for a visit. It’s far healthier and normal than being glued to her Mother 24/7 . You potentially could be in hospital for a few days if there are any problems with you or the baby and it will be better for your child to be used to being separated.

Yes, you're being very unreasonable.
You said you wouldn't want to go even if you weren't pregnant, so you're using the pregnancy as an excuse. You are experiencing no ill effects so you can stop for regular breaks on the journey.
That's your husband's parents, stop trying to put a wedge between the families, please stop that.
As others have mentioned, she threw a tantrum about her son joining you for the birth, really? I would love to hear her side on that story.

I would work on your 4yo having a better relationship with their father as a priority.

You should all feel ok about 1-1 time with just daddy. It's ok for them to miss mummy, they are safe with daddy.

Personally I'd go on the trip for your DC and DH's sake. It's one night a year and they can't / won't go without you.

Is there any reason why your PILs can't come and visit you instead?

I can't understand why this is your problem. You are heavily pregnant and you are justified in saying the journey is too long. If your DH wants to go and take your DS - that's fine - but it is not your problem if he can't cope and placate your DS - that is for him and his parents to sort out. I'd be inclined to take yourself out of the equation, step back and leave it up to your DH to figure it out.

going by OPs posts no.

So i would adress this to OPs DH: you need to look at other aspects of your life where your DW is being controlling. Maybe you need to look at the freedom programme, IDK. But you need to insist on forging a relationship with your own child separate from your DW.

Or just cut and run and demand 50/50.

there are no issues around the birth and how that’ll work. Those things are already sorted and aren’t part of this. Please don’t derail on that

It’s not really derailing though. People are pointing out the obvious. It simply can’t be sorted if you and 4yo CAN’T spend a night apart. Even if you plan for a home birth so you can have 4yo glued to you (although horrid for both of you), you may have to go to hospital for a C-section. No hospital is going to indulge you having a 4yo with you in that scenario because you can’t spend a night apart, whether SEN is at play or not. So, if they can’t go off for a night with dad and grandparents because you both can’t cope, it’s far from ‘sorted’ for impending birth.