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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off?

191 replies

Shaniah · 28/09/2025 19:17

so. My girlfriends had arranged my first night out after pregnancy and BFing on Saturday, DH said he would be home for 7 to take over (he was out having food). It got to midnight and he still wasn’t back so I just sat there crying as I was so looking forward to it. When he got home at night night the girls were asking me to still come out, so I smartened myself up and went. A comment that he made to me was that if I don’t have any expectations I can never be let down? It’s playing on my mind

OP posts:
DoubtfulCat · 06/10/2025 15:46

Shaniah · 06/10/2025 15:03

I don’t want to stop contact. Everything just seems to be on his terms at the minute and I am the one with mental health issues about time? Honestly my stomach turns at the thought of speaking to him but everything is always so up in the air and he is really unreliable

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And this- keep a log, children don’t need to be messed around, they need consistency and reliable parenting. The parenting app saves everything and courts allow them to be used for legal proceedings so the picture will be clear.

YouBelongHere · 06/10/2025 15:55

Bless you OP, I'm glad you're with your parents now. I imagine it was all a shock to you - it's okay to mourn your relationship whilst accepting he's not the man you thought he was.

For what it's worth everything you mentioned in this thread, yes, you should be angry about. If you'd agreed he'd come home at 7PM and he deliberately ignored your calls and messages that would've been rude anyway but on a night out he knew you were looking forward to is unforgivable and you should be proud for going out anyway and not letting him completely ruin it. There's no situation in which you would've found that acceptable to do to him so why should he do that to you!?

As for contact it is NOT about what suits him, it's about your children who are probably feeling a bit uncertain about all the changes at the minute. They need consistency right now - I remember as a child I saw my Dad one night a week and I found it comforting knowing what to expect. I would've got quite anxious if he was just popping round as and when he felt like it. I know it's hard but you do need to be more firm - if he doesn't want to listen then that's on him but your kids are the important ones.

Sending you all the strength in the world OP, you've got this ❤

Original poster
Shaniah · 06/10/2025 15:56

DoubtfulCat · 06/10/2025 15:45

It’s not you.

He wants you to both continue facilitating his life and doing the ‘wife work’, but also give him the freedom to be a single man with no kids (except for the purposes of not paying you maintenance).

Please see a solicitor, and as pp suggested move your communication onto a parenting app. Block him on other channels except maybe one which he can use in emergencies (and only in emergencies, not if he wants to change his time with the kids).

Please understand that this man hates you and would actively do you harm if it meant he got what he wanted. He isn’t the man you thought you were marrying, and you won’t see that man ever again. You have to understand this in order to protect yourself.

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I think you are absolutely right, I need to accept it for what it is

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 06/10/2025 16:33

itsgettingweird · 29/09/2025 16:21

You say ore kids he wasn’t like this.

But ore kids you wouldn’t have relied on him coming home so you could go out. You could just do your own thing.

I don’t usually go straight to leaving but in this circumstance I would and enjoy EOW out doing as you please whilst he parents his children solo.

He won’t though. He’ll deliberately mess her about to keep a bit of control.

RandomMess · 06/10/2025 16:43

You wouldn’t be stopping contact you would be facilitating FIXED contact. If he wants to see his DC then he’ll turn up and behave decently.

If you can use school/nursery for pick up and drop off all the better.

Original poster
Shaniah · 06/10/2025 17:11

RandomMess · 06/10/2025 16:43

You wouldn’t be stopping contact you would be facilitating FIXED contact. If he wants to see his DC then he’ll turn up and behave decently.

If you can use school/nursery for pick up and drop off all the better.

how do I achieve that though? I would much rather school be the drop off/pick up but he won’t have them from a Friday as he is busy so he has selected the days. He said he will have them weekends if he is taking them away but other than that he can’t.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/10/2025 17:45

Just refuse to agree to his demands.

He either agrees to the contact you offer or has to take you to court.

Original poster
Shaniah · 06/10/2025 17:51

RandomMess · 06/10/2025 17:45

Just refuse to agree to his demands.

He either agrees to the contact you offer or has to take you to court.

Should it really be down to me though? Saying that, he has dictated everything else

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/10/2025 18:19

Well he won’t compromise and dictates. Then doesn’t stick with what he dictated.

The DC need consistency.

If he can’t pick up after school on his days he needs to book and pay for childcare.

Offer him a midweek after school 3pm to school drop off the next day and EOW Friday after school until Monday morning drop off. If he says no then just tell him to take you to court then.

He is refusing to be reasonable so it will end up in court anyway.

DoubtfulCat · 06/10/2025 20:33

RandomMess · 06/10/2025 18:19

Well he won’t compromise and dictates. Then doesn’t stick with what he dictated.

The DC need consistency.

If he can’t pick up after school on his days he needs to book and pay for childcare.

Offer him a midweek after school 3pm to school drop off the next day and EOW Friday after school until Monday morning drop off. If he says no then just tell him to take you to court then.

He is refusing to be reasonable so it will end up in court anyway.

This.

i imagine a solicitor will advise you on a reasonable offer. Have you found one, you really need to . You also need to apply for child maintenance now, as he and you have separated (even if you’re still living together- are you?)

He thinks he can have what he wants, which is to be entirely selfish and flit in and out of his dc lives being Disney dad when he feels like it, and opt out of the hard work of parenting. He can’t, unless you contort yourself into all sorts of shapes to make his life easier- and why would you do that? He certainly won’t reciprocate and it certainly won’t benefit your children, in fact if you facilitate his flakiness it will hurt them and show them that nobody can be relied on to put them first.

I’m really sorry you have all this to deal with. Can anyone help you with some of it?

Original poster
Shaniah · 07/10/2025 11:21

DoubtfulCat · 06/10/2025 20:33

This.

i imagine a solicitor will advise you on a reasonable offer. Have you found one, you really need to . You also need to apply for child maintenance now, as he and you have separated (even if you’re still living together- are you?)

He thinks he can have what he wants, which is to be entirely selfish and flit in and out of his dc lives being Disney dad when he feels like it, and opt out of the hard work of parenting. He can’t, unless you contort yourself into all sorts of shapes to make his life easier- and why would you do that? He certainly won’t reciprocate and it certainly won’t benefit your children, in fact if you facilitate his flakiness it will hurt them and show them that nobody can be relied on to put them first.

I’m really sorry you have all this to deal with. Can anyone help you with some of it?

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I can’t wait for the kids to come home today, the thought of ever interacting with that man again is giving me so much anxiety.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaniah · 19/10/2025 12:35

My daughter said to me last night ‘mummy, I know that dad doesn’t like you anymore as he used to listen to a song that reminded him of you, now it reminds him of ***’ I mean that’s great but why on earth did he feel the need to share that with her!

OP posts:
MyLimeGuide · 19/10/2025 12:54

Shaniah · 19/10/2025 12:35

My daughter said to me last night ‘mummy, I know that dad doesn’t like you anymore as he used to listen to a song that reminded him of you, now it reminds him of ***’ I mean that’s great but why on earth did he feel the need to share that with her!

What an absolute twat.

Original poster
Shaniah · 19/10/2025 12:58

MyLimeGuide · 19/10/2025 12:54

What an absolute twat.

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I honestly can’t think of any reason why he would think it was ok to say that!!!

OP posts:
The6thQueen · 19/10/2025 13:07

Shaniah · 19/10/2025 12:58

I honestly can’t think of any reason why he would think it was ok to say that!!!

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Because he knew it would get back to you. It was designed to hurt.

Original poster
Shaniah · 19/10/2025 13:21

It really doesn’t hurt me though, I feel sorry for him, I am more bothered what this is doing to may daughters wellbeing as we are really close

OP posts:
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