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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off?

191 replies

Shaniah · 28/09/2025 19:17

so. My girlfriends had arranged my first night out after pregnancy and BFing on Saturday, DH said he would be home for 7 to take over (he was out having food). It got to midnight and he still wasn’t back so I just sat there crying as I was so looking forward to it. When he got home at night night the girls were asking me to still come out, so I smartened myself up and went. A comment that he made to me was that if I don’t have any expectations I can never be let down? It’s playing on my mind

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaniah · 30/09/2025 15:57

He isn’t the person I fell in love with anymore. The person that he has developed feelings for is his friends sister and they are always out together. I stupidly trusted that he loved me. I just feel sick

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 30/09/2025 15:59

So he didnt actually want you to go out

Isn't that classic controlling behaviour?

TheatricalLife · 30/09/2025 16:00

Shaniah · 30/09/2025 15:57

He isn’t the person I fell in love with anymore. The person that he has developed feelings for is his friends sister and they are always out together. I stupidly trusted that he loved me. I just feel sick

Listen -you are NOT stupid in any way. Dont ever think that way. None of this is your fault. It is entirely and completely his. You get angry -you've not done anything to push him towards this, he's just a dirty, lying cheater. It happens to many people who also aren't stupid, you are not alone.

Original poster
Shaniah · 30/09/2025 16:19

TheatricalLife · 30/09/2025 16:00

Listen -you are NOT stupid in any way. Dont ever think that way. None of this is your fault. It is entirely and completely his. You get angry -you've not done anything to push him towards this, he's just a dirty, lying cheater. It happens to many people who also aren't stupid, you are not alone.

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i can’t even believe the other woman wants him!

OP posts:
TheatricalLife · 30/09/2025 16:26

Shaniah · 30/09/2025 16:19

i can’t even believe the other woman wants him!

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She probably won't in a while when the novelty and excitement has worn off. I'd imagine now you've taken away the secrecy and sneaking around part, the bloom will be off the rose very quickly. Anyway, don't worry about them, focus on you and what is best for you going forwards. All the practical bits.

WatchingTheDetective · 30/09/2025 16:37

I'm afraid I guessed that's what was going on. In my experience men having affairs have someone who is happy to listen to them slag off their partners. You would think she'd be there thinking, "God, he's a really shit partner and dad, isn't he?" but most seem to encourage criticism of the partner. I suppose if you've no morals, that's how you behave.

I'm so sorry, though, OP. Your life will be better without him, but it's hard for you to see that right now.

DoubtfulCat · 30/09/2025 16:37

I’m so sorry lovely. I hope you can find your anger soon: you and the kids need the house, he can go to him mum or this other woman’s. And child support from today- he has to pay up and the CMA can take it from his pay packet if he shows signs of not paying.

Everyonceinawhile · 30/09/2025 16:57

Shaniah · 30/09/2025 15:39

I’m still trying to take it all in. He said he hasn’t had an affair but has developed feelings for somebody else.

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So he has developed feelings for someone else and that gives the asshole a right to treat you like shit ?!?!……piece of shit

Slipperhead · 30/09/2025 16:59

You don't treat someone you love the way you have been treated.
He dislikes you and resents you, thats why he has felt so entitled abusing and controlling you.
He is scum.
So glad you have gone to your parents.

Jeschara · 30/09/2025 19:28

Have you taken all important documents with you? I hope so, as I would not trust this creature as far as I could throw him. Horrible little man.
Good luck, you have done the right thing.

Gcsunnyside23 · 30/09/2025 20:21

Sorry I clicked you're being unreasonable but mistake. Just read your updates, so sorry to op hope you're ok. You're so much better off without him

Original poster
Shaniah · 30/09/2025 20:23

Jeschara · 30/09/2025 19:28

Have you taken all important documents with you? I hope so, as I would not trust this creature as far as I could throw him. Horrible little man.
Good luck, you have done the right thing.

I have yes, I’m trying so hard to stay strong but I feel like my world is falling apart. I feel guilty as the kids must know there is something wrong with me.

OP posts:
Everyonceinawhile · 30/09/2025 20:40

Shaniah · 30/09/2025 20:23

I have yes, I’m trying so hard to stay strong but I feel like my world is falling apart. I feel guilty as the kids must know there is something wrong with me.

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Do you jointly own the house or is it rented

Original poster
Shaniah · 30/09/2025 20:57

Everyonceinawhile · 30/09/2025 20:40

Do you jointly own the house or is it rented

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It’s rented. I am happy to move out, I just need to stay with my parents for a while to figure everything out

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaniah · 30/09/2025 21:00

And in answer to the question about finances, I am financially independent, I work, hopefully I can start saving as we never had any money even when we were together with good incomes.

OP posts:
Everyonceinawhile · 30/09/2025 21:07

Shaniah · 30/09/2025 21:00

And in answer to the question about finances, I am financially independent, I work, hopefully I can start saving as we never had any money even when we were together with good incomes.

That’s great that you are financially independent and can stay with your parents for a while…..you can start planning the rest of his life…..hopefully he won’t be able to afford the rent on the other place and will have to move into a house share 😁…..I’m sure that will make him seem very attractive to his love interest

DoubtfulCat · 01/10/2025 06:35

Shaniah · 30/09/2025 21:00

And in answer to the question about finances, I am financially independent, I work, hopefully I can start saving as we never had any money even when we were together with good incomes.

Awesome, but don’t let him off the hook- he needs to pay for his children. Especially as I highly doubt he’s going to have them with him 50% of the time.

jeaux90 · 01/10/2025 08:29

OP the worst thing about this is him having the affair then gaslighting YOU! Happy to hear you are financially independent, you can do this. You deserve so much better. As a lone parent I can tell you life is a lot more peaceful without the abusive asshole in it.

Slipperhead · 01/10/2025 08:58

Don't hesitate to tell the landlord you are moving out due to domestic abuse.
Generally they are far more accommodating in such circumstances.
You have been the victim of domestic abuse and coercive control, make no mistake about that.
So much better for your children not to grow up witness to such abuse.
Stay strong. You can do this.

Original poster
Shaniah · 06/10/2025 12:40

i spoke to him on the phone last night as the kids went away with his this weekend and just cried to come home the whole time. I told him it was his day but he still dropped them off anyway. He said he wishes he didn’t have to deal with me ever and to never call him. He said don’t call me on the morning I am supposed to get them, just accept that I will pick them up at some point in the morning in x day. They came back with no school shoes last night and it was just such a rush as I wasn’t expecting them home. I can’t believe he left it u til 7pm to tell me this.

OP posts:
DoubtfulCat · 06/10/2025 13:34

Have you got a solicitor? I think you have to start playing hardball or he will make this your life until the kids are 18.

Original poster
Shaniah · 06/10/2025 13:38

DoubtfulCat · 06/10/2025 13:34

Have you got a solicitor? I think you have to start playing hardball or he will make this your life until the kids are 18.

No, I didn’t want to really go down that route but I can’t carry on like this. I can’t believe he thinks he shouldn’t pick the kids up at a certain time and he will just arrive at some point, sometimes I think it’s me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/10/2025 14:42

Tell if he doesn’t pick up my X time then contact is cancelled and to drop them back between y & z otherwise you won’t be home.

I recommend you love communication onto a court approved Co-parenting app from now.

Keep your boundaries because if he takes you to court he will get fixed contact and not allowed to pick up and drop off as he chooses.

If you are happy to keep the DC full time and he carries on stop contact and tell him to arrange mediation in preparation to go to court.

Original poster
Shaniah · 06/10/2025 15:03

RandomMess · 06/10/2025 14:42

Tell if he doesn’t pick up my X time then contact is cancelled and to drop them back between y & z otherwise you won’t be home.

I recommend you love communication onto a court approved Co-parenting app from now.

Keep your boundaries because if he takes you to court he will get fixed contact and not allowed to pick up and drop off as he chooses.

If you are happy to keep the DC full time and he carries on stop contact and tell him to arrange mediation in preparation to go to court.

I don’t want to stop contact. Everything just seems to be on his terms at the minute and I am the one with mental health issues about time? Honestly my stomach turns at the thought of speaking to him but everything is always so up in the air and he is really unreliable

OP posts:
DoubtfulCat · 06/10/2025 15:45

Shaniah · 06/10/2025 13:38

No, I didn’t want to really go down that route but I can’t carry on like this. I can’t believe he thinks he shouldn’t pick the kids up at a certain time and he will just arrive at some point, sometimes I think it’s me.

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It’s not you.

He wants you to both continue facilitating his life and doing the ‘wife work’, but also give him the freedom to be a single man with no kids (except for the purposes of not paying you maintenance).

Please see a solicitor, and as pp suggested move your communication onto a parenting app. Block him on other channels except maybe one which he can use in emergencies (and only in emergencies, not if he wants to change his time with the kids).

Please understand that this man hates you and would actively do you harm if it meant he got what he wanted. He isn’t the man you thought you were marrying, and you won’t see that man ever again. You have to understand this in order to protect yourself.

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