To be pissed off?

[Shaniah]

so. My girlfriends had arranged my first night out after pregnancy and BFing on Saturday, DH said he would be home for 7 to take over (he was out having food). It got to midnight and he still wasn’t back so I just sat there crying as I was so looking forward to it. When he got home at night night the girls were asking me to still come out, so I smartened myself up and went. A comment that he made to me was that if I don’t have any expectations I can never be let down? It’s playing on my mind

Did the same thing happen to you?

This clown is heavily gaslighting you……he is the issue not you

Are you financially in a position to leave as I really don’t see this situation improving? …..your life would be more peaceful without him

Abuse isn't only physical, OP.

Gaslighting, never being around, “forgetting” arrangements I had made with his agreement to go out and see friends or do a class… and the fear of his anger, which I’d never know the reason for. It was a brutally damaging way to live.

that doesn'T matter. He's being abusive.
Can you leave? maybe move in with your mum for a while?

Lots of clues in your posts @Shaniah . His DM hated him leaving her, she's spoilt him and he's used to being the centre of attention, he was OK until the DC arrived but now he's in second place and he hates it and blames you. Your DH is emotionally immature, he's like the toddler whose jealous of the new baby but instead of tantrums he's becoming cold and begrudging.
He's never going to be better Op because he's punishing you, he's told you quite clearly to expect nothing from him. I'd be sending him packing or leaving myself.

If someone says they’ll be home for 7 and know you have plans, of course you’re going to expect them home at that time. He probably does know what he did he’s just too selfish to care.

You say ore kids he wasn’t like this.

But ore kids you wouldn’t have relied on him coming home so you could go out. You could just do your own thing.

I don’t usually go straight to leaving but in this circumstance I would and enjoy EOW out doing as you please whilst he parents his children solo.

You are the very definition of a highly abused, controlled woman, who sadly has been slowly boiled.

Read up on the boiled frog analogy.
Tell your family the truth.
Stop covering for him.
You family most likely suspect.
Get your children out now.
Talk to Women's aid.

It’s just such a hard thing to process that the person you have loved for all these years isn’t the person you thought they were. I know this isn’t right I am just trying to process it as I honestly cannot believe this is happening.

Process quickly because this could easily escalate and you don’t want your kids seeing him treat you really badly.

Am I not over reacting?

No, you are under reacting and trying to persuade yourself that what is going on right under your nose is not happening.
He’s abusive and controlling, and he is gaslighting you.
You need to get out. Now. Before it escalates.

No. You’re not.

Took me three years to act on what I started seeing when I became pregnant. I kept saying oh it’s not that bad. He doesn’t actually hit me. And so much of it is stuff which afterwards when you describe it, doesn’t explain the fear or the confusion or the guilt or whatever shitty emotional he has made you feel, so you minimise and struggle to tell people quite how it’s so awful; but this is your life now. Walking on eggshells. Wondering if you’re unreasonable. Wondering if you just forgot he told you he was going out after work. Wondering if he’ll remember to be around so that you can work/see friends/go to the gym. Wondering if, when he does have the kids, he’ll actually look after them properly and feed them decent food and interact with them, or whether they’ll be screaming in a pram while he plays on his phone or chats to mates, and feeds them on crap because it’s easier. When you timidly raise these episodes with him, he either explodes with rage that you would be so unreasonable as to question him, you don’t appreciate anything he does for you; or he explains that you’re a bit crazy, you never remember anything he tells you, and you’re so self-centred, plus you undermine him and he can’t do anything right.

It’s abuse and it will likely leave you a shell of the woman you were before. Please make plans to get out as soon as you can. He will try to manipulate you into staying, but look at his actions, not what he tells you.

Listen to what you are actually saying to this forum. If it was someone else what would your advice be if you weren't involved. X

How did he treat you following your few hours out?

It's heartbreaking hearing what he's doing to you.

He didn’t message me, he still didn’t think he did anything wrong the following day. I just feel like this has given me a huge wake up call, it might not be a big deal to some people but I needed that night out with my friends and he absolutely tried to ruin it for me, I can’t see any good in a person that would do that.

OP , what’s he like in general ?

You are not over reacting.
You are in controlling abusive relationship.
You are under reacting if anything.
Contact Women's aid and tell your family the truth.

It would be a huge deal to me, he doesn’t appreciate you, or love and respect you, and then he tried to gaslight you…..I could no longer love him or find him in the least bit attractive after that…..his behaviour is a sign of things to come in your future if you decide to stay with him…..get out now if you can

Just wanted to add that I agree with pp. This man child couldn't stand having children because he's supposed to be number one. Now he's punishing you for caring for your children instead of him. He's not only emotionally immature but also vile; he delibarately tries to hurt your feelings and shows you that you don't matter to him.

All this is much to take in at once @Shaniah . No need to act straight away. Sit with it and find someone to talk to about it (friends/therapist) and get your ducks in a row. You are not in immediate danger but if I were you I would carefully plan my exit because it's not just you who are a victim here- your children as well who have to live with their dad treating their mum like crap. Not something you want to live with nor model to them. But don't panic. Take your time to process this. If your close to your parents/family I'm sure they would support you.💐

First time I’ve ever commented this…. LTB!!

OP, please take on board what PP have said. Get the information you need, get advice, plan to leave. Can you Mum help, or friends even if short term.
Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. This is abuse.

Do the same on him, then feed his words back to him!

It’s the only way.

Sorry just read more of the post.
It seems he’s maybe fallen out of love or interested in someone else- Did he agree to have the children too?

It sounds like you’ve lost the nice him OP. I’mso sorry xx