To be pissed off?

[Shaniah]

so. My girlfriends had arranged my first night out after pregnancy and BFing on Saturday, DH said he would be home for 7 to take over (he was out having food). It got to midnight and he still wasn’t back so I just sat there crying as I was so looking forward to it. When he got home at night night the girls were asking me to still come out, so I smartened myself up and went. A comment that he made to me was that if I don’t have any expectations I can never be let down? It’s playing on my mind

Don't waste your tears on him, he is a selfish, thoughtless twat

You urgently need to get yourself and your children away from him, OP. Lean on your family and contact Women's Aid.

He has never physically hurt me?

That is one of the best examples of someone telling you who they are and that you should believe them.

so many men only show their true colours once their partner has had a child making ending the relationship so much more difficult.

Good luck

He is mentally abusing you on a day to day basis and it will affect the children.

Honestly divorce him

Why am I trying so hard to believe that this is not the case?

Because you want to believe the man you love, married and had children with isn't a cruel, nasty abuser, who doesn't care about you or your feelings.

It's heartbreaking

He knows exactly what he did, he did it deliberately

Hey OP ..
I’m sorry if I sound stupid , does he mean , “ don’t expect anything from me, then you’ll never be disappointed “, if so , he’s a Dick , bad enough he never came home …x

I just don’t understand how the relationship was fine before children? Surely this would have been going on from the beginning if that is who he is?

So now he's shown you who he is. That your expectation of him is that he will deliberately hurt you, ad then crow about it.

He is abusive. Get out a.s.a.p. before he starts slapping you.

Lots of men keep up the act, then when children come along they have you trapped and they can be their trueselves.

How long were you together before you had children?

I bet there were little tiny signs that were missed or dismissed as he was lovely the rest of the time.

He’s telling you that you have no right to expect anything from him.
You need to exit this relationship. He’s a controlling abuser.

Not only does he purposely ruin your night out and ignore your calls, but then he has the audacity to somehow blame you for it. That's not normal, by a very long shot. I have no idea how you get back to the respectful relationship you had pre DC - I fear that ship has sailed. You and your DC deserve much better than what he's currently offering you.

He knows exactly what he did. It's intentional. He doesn't want you going out with your girlfriends so he's making it as difficult as possible for you till you just give up and don't bother and end up losing all your friends, then he has you all to himself, so that he can go out as and when he pleases while you are permanently at home with the baby. He is outright being mean about it, so you don't even bother to question him next time he does it. And he's making you out to be the crazy one for having a very normal response to his twattish behaviour so that you end up questioning your own sanity. Run. Honestly run. This is not a good human. Don't try and explain what is wrong. He knows. It is intentional. He may come round at some point and say he didn't realise, he won't do it again. But that's just to sweeten you up. Until he does it again. And he will do it again. Get rid before you're years down the line wishing you had left at this moment.

How long were you together before kids?
Looks like he was masking until he had you trapped.

What a cunt he is.

Because you're a normal rational person who would never believe that someone could intentionally be so intentionally evil. But he is. This abuse rarely starts until they have women in a position where it's harder to leave. Children, moving in, marriage, all points where abusers ramp up their abuse.

People on here are trying to tell you Op, you keep defending him. Pls listen to everyone who are saying it will only get worse, they are right. He’s not respecting you. he’s dumped all parenting on you, even though you work too, and looks like his social life hasn’t changed a bit since kids came along, but the one night you want to see your friends he makes it difficult for you to do this, on purpose.

10 years!!!

I can’t believe this is happening, when I read back my messages I would be telling somebody the same thing as it’s just awful but I’m really struggling to accept it.

He acted really weird the first 6 months after my daughter was born, kicking walls, angry, not coming home. He left when our daughter was 4 weeks old then came back, it has just got progressively worse, we had a brief couple of years where it was ok so I decided to have another baby, after the second baby it has now come to this. There were some odd things pre kids that I just shrug off, mainly involving his family (his mum was extremely protective and accused me of taking him away from her) I didn’t really think much of it as I was only 18 at the time but I think they had quite an odd relationship looking back.

You need to get out sharpish, and get help and support. You can't see how he's abusing you.

Sadly, it's quite common for abuse to begin or intensify when kids enter the equation. Your priorities have changed and he's got more responsibilities that require him to put someone else first and he clearly doesn't like it.

As the nearest adult, he blames you for not shielding him from the reality of having kids, and it's in his best interest to prevent you from doing anything that interferes with your ability to care for the kids and house so that he can carry on without ever having to consider anyone else's needs or wants. If you never get what you need or want, eventually you won't even bother asking for his help/support/time.

I went through the same cognitive dissonance and heartache. I’m so sorry. I echo all that’s been said. You might give this organisation a call for free legal advice www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

also if you decide to leave, don’t tell him until you’re out. Put your important documents and possessions somewhere safe that he can’t access them (passports, birth certificates (yours and the kids) marriage certificate, anything you have that you would hate to lose) and arrange somewhere for you and the kids to go, to be safe. He may not be violent but he is spiteful. Don’t trust him and don’t assume he wouldn’t do things to hurt you or make your life difficult.