Wife's non-spend anniversary

[CosyCoralCrab]

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly p*ssed off?
Just back from our 19th wedding anniversary dinner, the norm when we go out is that she buys the pre-drinks, I buy dinner and drinks with dinner, she pays the tip and then we usually go for an after dinner drink she pays for.
While waiting for a table we sat at the bar on high stools, 2 pints, "sorry my handbag is all the way down there". Ok.
We had a nice dinner and they do good cocktails at this place which we had earlier remarked on, but no dice, so we just got the bill.
When it was time for a tip (no option on the card machine) it was "oh, I only have €50s" so I paid the tip in cash.
We usually go afterwards to a local very quiet pub, but she didn't want to. That's OK. But it meant she hadn't put her hand in her pocket all night.
I pay the mortgage, the grocery bills, gas and electricity, insurance etc. She worked in the home for years which was great for the kids, but is back in paid work 2 years and doing very well, got a promotion so now earns about 2/3rds of my net salary but we have not adjusted the split of bills etc.
AIBU?

Yeah. One hundred percent.

Fuck that shit. What a miserable existence.

Would have a joint for most things work for ye? My husband is a farmer and would spend every cent on the farm if he could so I don't get my wages paid into a joint.

What we do have is a joint revolut. Based on what is fair for us we put money into the joint. I do it monthly he does it weekly.

In there is money for all household bills/ mortgage/ insurances/food/ kids clothes/ misc then I have savings pockets for holidays/ Christmas/ birthdays/ oil and a small savings account. I added up the annual cost of all those things then divided it weekly.

We also add more when we go away on holidays. We both have a card. I use it a lot more than DH, but I am normally the one out and about with the kids. When I do things like get my eyebrows done, or head out with the girls I use my AIB card.

Also your cheaper bike isn't the family car. Do ye all get onto the bike to head to the zoo? Do you normally drop the kids off places on the bike? Do the food shop?

As a sahm she has provided plenty for the family. Imagine how much a live-in nanny and housekeeper would cost? It is normal in that set up that the husband shares his salary with his wife (or vice versa if stay at home dad) and the wife works by taking care of home/kids during work hours. They are married. It should be their money, not his money and her money.

When we got married it all became 'our' money. We do have separate accounts we are paid into and then contribute to a joint account proportionate to our income which family bills and anniversary occasions get paid out of. I suppose the question is, how have you got to the point where it's two years in and she's not paying 40% of the bills? What bills does she pay for? And what is she doing with her money. We both have moderate personal expenses and anything leftover goes into savings these might be in person accounts but they are for the family.

You are being unreasonable to have separate finances after so long. How tedious to be splitting hairs like this.

You don't actually sound 'happy with the arrangement', you sound like you're storing up resentment. Fgs figure out what you want and speak to your wife.

There's also fuck all wrong with having g separate finances as long as both of you are ACTUALLY fine with how you work things out.

How long was she a sahm for multiple children?

Years you say. Like what, a decade?

And within 2yrs of returning to work she's been promoted to 2/3 of your salary already. The one you've been working at for 20+ yrs with no disruption.

And here you are, bitching about her "no spend" on your anniversary.

You might be thinking you're going to make the next one, easy. Her though...

The worst part is he’s in a huff now after a lovely anniversary meal. So what was nice occasion no longer is. Over literally nothing.

I went out for a family meal the other night including my parents. It was our treat. At the end of the meal my husband paid. Didn’t give it any thought. The bill came, he took care of it. We went home. Didn’t even have a conversation about it. We will, however, bicker about loading the dishwasher. I’m not up to scratch apparently!

Exactly this. What a depressing attitude from @Coconutter24 🙄

Yes we are married and i’m grateful he gave every last penny during the kids younger years when i wasn’t working.

Grateful that he paid for the kids and for you to look after the kids. Start valuing yourself.. He should be the grateful one here.

I’d be amazed if the OP’s wife is as happy in this marriage as he likes to make out.

No money. You pay this. I pay that. Same meal in sane restaurant and same pub every anniversary.

I don’t know anyone who would like this situation.

She decided to make a point at this meal so thankfully has shown that she hasn’t been completely worn down and still has some fight left in her.

She now realises she has her own money, the kids don’t need her so much and has options.

Separate finances is fine if you are earning the same salary and going 50/50 on all expenses, including the DC's. It is fine if you are doing 50/50 childcare, sick days, school admin, clubs, DC social life and both salaries are impacted, as a result.

We see so often on here that men view DC's costs as the woman's costs, don't pull their weight in any of the unpaid labour realms.

All the above aside, if one party is outearning the other, there is a power imbalance, which is very unhealthy in a LT relationship.

We pay into a joint account. Dh pays in twice as much then some as he earns twice as much. He also pays for any big expenses (car repairs) because £2000 when you earn loads is not as difficult as £2000 when you don’t. We almost always pay for meals out from our joint account. Occasionally we might pay for things individually. No one keeps score. We’ve been together 17 years.

Our finances are linked even though we both have personal accounts for our own personal spending. It’s weird to still be managing your finances like a couple who have been dating 3 months. Ultimately, if I overspend on a night out together, it impacts dh because I’ll run out of money and he’ll need to transfer some over, and vice versa. We don’t let the other get on the bones of their ass and not care. Financially, we are a team and are fates are intertwined.

@CosyCoralCrab I think your wife should be contributing in some way to family finances now she's been back at work a while and you need a discussion about that. The anniversary dinner example isn't great, think that's been covered already in this thread but I do think you're sounding resentful and it's not just about the dinner.

I've posted previously about my DH and how his attitude to money has ruined our marriage. We have no shared finances despite being together almost 25 years, married for 15 and with 3 DC. I don't want to derail the thread but at least you say you appreciate the work she's done in the home.

I don't think you're as extreme as my DH but he would also be waiting for me to pay my half or even things up for a meal out. It is indeed as joyless and miserable as the other posters have said. Also, as soon as I started working (after 3yrs) again I took over some of our bills, no delay, he wouldn't have accepted that as he genuinely thinks I owe him. I wonder do you feel a little similar?

I won't even go for a takeaway with him now tbh. I spend zero time with him and am actively working on separating within the next year. I don't think you're at that stage but it's going to make our separation quite straightforward financially.

You are getting an unnecessarily hard time on here OP. We have separate finances and have been married for longer than you. I have the much higher income and pay all the necessary bills and husband pays for food and all nice to haves. We have never worked out what is fair. Neither of us want to share finances. This was a hangover from when we first moved in together but we have never changed it.

However, in your situation, you are understandably resentful, so I would be saying you want a conversation about changing to pay bills and discretionary spend that benefits you both pro rata.

I'm amazed that anyone has lived like this for nineteen years, I wouldn't have lasted for nineteen weeks.

This is a nonsense - you are married, it should all be household or family money

Same here. All this "it's family money" stuff makes me cringe.

@GOODCAT @IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle

I’m not opposed to couples with separate finances, but there is a meanness and keeping tabs on a single (anniversary!) dinner. Because of that attitude I’m firmly against the OP and wouldn’t want his marriage. Not against OP and for his wife - who also should have discussed finances when she went back to work and when she got raises. And if she was intentionally being petty that‘s awful of her too.

I don’t know if I’m phrasing it right, but I hope that makes sense.

Even it I turn into into a description of score keeping about cleaning the house or dressing up for occasions it sounds miserable to me.

I would imagine in those circumstances that one party isn't happy with that arrangement in that case. It needs to work - and frankly sometimes combined finances doesn't work either. My ex husband and I married when we were both already established and independent adults and joint finances didn't work for us. He vastly out-earned me, but him taking on the financial burden didn't work for me either. I insisted on 50/50 until we had a child and then we moved to a proportional arrangement which did work. The assumption that joint finances always works is wrong.

She should be paying her equal share of the bills end of. If she is earning 2/3rds of your wage she pays her way!! Why on earth did you pay for her clutch she has money???

If you both insist on this ridiculous way to manage your finances then I am sorry you need to be clear and say no - unless theres a good reason why she has no extra money that month.

Well it was until the wife didn’t pay for a round of drinks

If they’ve been having this arrangement then it must be how they think it’s done

Ok and that is what he has done shared his money.

Is it even an arrangement? He just says it's the norm. Maybe she has no idea there are such rigid payment expectations from her husband. It's so odd.