Wife's non-spend anniversary

[CosyCoralCrab]

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly p*ssed off?
Just back from our 19th wedding anniversary dinner, the norm when we go out is that she buys the pre-drinks, I buy dinner and drinks with dinner, she pays the tip and then we usually go for an after dinner drink she pays for.
While waiting for a table we sat at the bar on high stools, 2 pints, "sorry my handbag is all the way down there". Ok.
We had a nice dinner and they do good cocktails at this place which we had earlier remarked on, but no dice, so we just got the bill.
When it was time for a tip (no option on the card machine) it was "oh, I only have €50s" so I paid the tip in cash.
We usually go afterwards to a local very quiet pub, but she didn't want to. That's OK. But it meant she hadn't put her hand in her pocket all night.
I pay the mortgage, the grocery bills, gas and electricity, insurance etc. She worked in the home for years which was great for the kids, but is back in paid work 2 years and doing very well, got a promotion so now earns about 2/3rds of my net salary but we have not adjusted the split of bills etc.
AIBU?

Is it how they do it, or is it how OP thinks it should be?
It's obviously not working if OP is having a tizzy about one round of drinks. .

It's surprising how many couples are like this! When DH and I go (food) shopping in Morrisons or Sainsburys, he packs the stuff, and I get my debit card out to pay, (we have joint finances/joint account.)

Sometimes the checkout operator - always a female one - says 'oh, so he packs, and you're paying! He's got the right idea ha ha ha.' I just say 'well it's coming out of our joint account, so he's paying as well ha ha ha.'

She usually looks a bit shocked. Shocked that a married couple has joint finances. I've had them say 'oh I like my own independence and my own account.' I just say good for you.' Like, what actual fucking business is it of some random checkout operator if DH and I have joint finances?! Weird af. 😆

I have a suspicion that it has 'not worked' for one spouse for many years, but this is the first time it has 'not worked' for OP and he doesn't like it! 😂

who’s betting he totally went on about the clutch issue and credit cards over dinner, wasn’t a discussion more like a whinge and she just decided to be petty. Such romantic conversation!

😆 Yep, you're probably right!

😆

This is your WEDDING ANNIVERSARY and you are going on about that she didn’t ’put her hand in her pocket’. If there’s an issue about money generally then speak to your wife of 19 years.

May I never end up with a man who expects me to pay for drinks/tips on our anniversary dinner!! Even when she was not working did you expect this? She’s been out of work looking after your children until the last 2 years where she still only earns 2/3rds of your salary. And you’re so stingy that you expect her to contribute to your anniversary dinner! Who said romance was dead! She probably avoided paying for anything as she was fed up of it!

I think you need a more general chat about money.

We keep separate finances. I pay for more of the household bills, my husband does the shopping and pays for more of the treats.

We have a sort of general understanding but will sometimes say 'I'll get x and you get y'.

So I'm don't think there's anything inherently wrong in that approach but what is odd is that you don't talk about it.

Are you sure all is well with your wife's finances? The avoidance here is a bit worrying. I think you need a conversation about your savings goals, how you split things etc, rather than make it about this meal.

This is so weird. I hope she's saving up that drinks money to leave.

If this is your usual routine (and I totally get it, my husband and I take turns paying when we eat out) then.I think she's being passive-aggressive with you. She's narked about something, you just haven't worked out what it is. THINK!!!! At a wild guess, it probably has to do with whatever she's been telling you/asking you for months and you've ignored.

Me and my husband keep separate accounts. But we consider it all our money. We put the bills whereever makes the most sense. I outearn him btw- before you think I'm happy with this because I'm gold digging...

I would never be petty enough to be mad about paying or not for an anniversary dinner/ drinks on my card.

You sound resentful are you paying for everything? We have joint ac so its fine. Def if she back working she should be contributing though..

I'm honestly not a fan of separate money. We just pay, if one of us has more money in our account than the other we send some over so both of us are covered if we need anything. It's all OUR money. Doesn't matter whose account it's in or whose card is used, its all the same pot.

Honestly though. It sounds like maybe a indirect refusal to pay from her. And it seems you feel that way too. So the actual question is WHY? What resentment has built up that has made her feel she shouldn't have to? I'm gonna hazard a guess based on the status quo and the "she worked in the home which was great for the kids" comment (it was also pretty great for you, she wasn't just looking after the kids.) If back then she was doing all the cooking and cleaning etc and now she's working she's still doing all the house stuff but also working she may feel a "well he doesn't contribute to this so why should I contribute financially." Just a thought if you haven't readjusted the household labour with her working.

Yes but he is using it as reason to be pissed off that she didn’t buy the drinks. We don’t have her side of the story but perhaps she’s fed up of this transactional marriage.

It’s not working. Clearly

I’ve been married for 19 years and we have separate finances. Suits me just fine even though he has more money than me.

What a horrendous way to live. Are you married spouses or housemates? You’re behaving like the latter.

Dh and I have our own accounts and credit cards but only for administrative reasons - he manually transfers all his salary into the joint account and I take what I need from it to pay my credit card and expenses beyond what my salary covers. We haven’t thought about having separate pots of money reflecting our different incomes since we were engaged 18 years ago. I simply can’t imagine having to split expenses like this.

each to their own but it’s not how I could live.

She’ll be saving so she can leave! In law it’s all half her money anyway!

Presumably she wanted the babies too? She didn’t have them as a favour to him?

Seriously your marriage sounds like a business arrangement.

why didn't you pool all your wages when she was out of workplace and then when she went back into workplace you'd now still be pooling all your wages?

How did wife fund herself when out of workplace

I would sit down one day with my wife calmly and say things have moved on in the past 2 years and with current trends and finances I'd like to discuss each of us paying in a percentage of our wages that reflects our income i.e. if she earns 2/3rds of what you earn then her proportion should represent that. Say you think that that will be fairer all around. Have a joint account and anything household/family related comes out of that. She keeps her money for savings/outings/treats and you do the same. It is not hard. The way to do it though is to cajole and not command.

It's not the having children part, it's the salary sacrifice part and the being at school pick up, sick days, appointments, clubs, friends, which doesn't need to interfere with your work life if you have another parent doing all that.

.