Wife's non-spend anniversary

[CosyCoralCrab]

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly p*ssed off?
Just back from our 19th wedding anniversary dinner, the norm when we go out is that she buys the pre-drinks, I buy dinner and drinks with dinner, she pays the tip and then we usually go for an after dinner drink she pays for.
While waiting for a table we sat at the bar on high stools, 2 pints, "sorry my handbag is all the way down there". Ok.
We had a nice dinner and they do good cocktails at this place which we had earlier remarked on, but no dice, so we just got the bill.
When it was time for a tip (no option on the card machine) it was "oh, I only have €50s" so I paid the tip in cash.
We usually go afterwards to a local very quiet pub, but she didn't want to. That's OK. But it meant she hadn't put her hand in her pocket all night.
I pay the mortgage, the grocery bills, gas and electricity, insurance etc. She worked in the home for years which was great for the kids, but is back in paid work 2 years and doing very well, got a promotion so now earns about 2/3rds of my net salary but we have not adjusted the split of bills etc.
AIBU?

OP has been sneakily silent on what DW does pay for. He hasn't said that she pays for nothing, and there's been no mention of any kid expenses or even how old the kids are. I very much doubt she's keeping it all for herself. Kids are expensive and she's quite clearly still the primary parent (see her car, his motorbike)...

You’re a married couple. This is not normal!

Why on Earth don’t you have joint accounts if you are married?

I'm married. We don't have joint accounts. I'd hate that. I married my husband- we didn't morph into one person.

So you don’t own anything together? House? Family car? You don’t share the same bed? Do you have a list where you say I own the TV and you own the kettle?

Do you not communicate?
Why didn't you both set up a joint account to cover expenses? I'd be having the conversation pronto, all outgoings split in two.
As for not splashing out on drinks when she usually would, I agree she is a tight-arse, but sure that is her way, not contributing to the family home.

Who said romance is dead?!

Surely after 19 years of marriage it’s joint money?

I can’t imagine a situation where I’m tallying which of us paid for what on any occasion.

Maybe she’s not spending her money as she’s endeavouring to get a nest egg together so that she can get away from this marriage!!!!

Seriously though, if you’ve been married so long,
it’s time to think of alternative ways to make it work.

My husband and I have one joint current account (and one joint savings account). Both salaries get paid into the same account regardless of how much either of us earn. We never think about it being his money or mine, and everything is taken from there!

Husband owns the flat we live in. I own 2 flats in my sole name. When we both had cars, we each owned our own car, paid for individually, although we would drive both. We don't need 2 cars now, so only have my one, which I paid for. It's my car.

Of course we don't have a list of who bought or owns boring household goods although if it came to splitting up, TV is his. He bought it and paid for it. I didn't particularly want a TV. The other stuff would have been bought as and when needed and paid for by one of us, fairly ad hoc.

Husband is currently paying for expensive but not necessary dental treatment. It's his money- nothing to do with me and not my business any more than what I spend on clothes is his.

All this "family money" stuff makes me cringe tbh.

Time to adjust the balance of bill paying. She’s taking the piss.

Agree with this.

I find your financial arrangements as a married couple of 19 years a bit odd. But that is your choice and, hopefully, DW's choice too!
If I were you, I would have a full and frank discussion about finances as I would be concerned that DW was having financial problems. If so, I would find out what these were eg maybe she is struggling to pay for the DC clubs, or some such.
If all is fine, I would just say at the next meal out that this one is on her, as you paid for the last one.

Maybe not for you but it is for some. I agree with op's way. Me and DH have separate money. Always will.

I don't think you're unreasonable because you have your established way of doing things and she's altered with without any discussion. Whether other people would maintain individual finances or not is really irrelevant because the point is what your system is, not what ours is.

I think there needs to be a sensible discussion around the household expenses and division of them too. Just revisit the whole list of outgoings and both your incomes then split them proportionately. If she earns roughly 2/3 of your salary then she should contribute 40% or thereabouts and you 60% ish.

So how did the bills get paid? How did he give his wife money for her expenses? Didn’t he pay for the clutch in her car? His wife was a stay at home mum with no income so he shared the money he earns with his family, which most people would do

Lots of married couples don’t have joint accounts. Not really the point here.

I would not like to have only a joint account.
Separate personal accounts with a joint account for outgoing expenses.

I think each to their own. My husband I have been married for 25 years. We have joint and separate accounts but it’s all semantics really as we both have full access to all our funds and every couple of months we check all the balances and make decisions about spend such as holiday and kids activitirs etc. our entire marriage is one team effort. I can’t imagine my husband choosing to have expensive dental treatment and saying to me I can’t have it because I can’t afford it. We simply just put things like that on the joint card- wouldn’t even think twice about it.

when one of us dies the other will inherit all the other’s assets in their entirety. Seems a bit bonkers to be treating separately when alive!

Each to their own but I'd hate not having my own money and my own bank account. I have no access to his accounts, nor he to mine. Although the "we're a team !" comments on here are grating given that we've "been a team" for over 40 years.

I don't understand your point about husband telling me I couldn't have expensive dental treatment. It would be up to me, although it's not something I'd spend on.

For tax reasons wills leave everything to the survivor.

Well yes, with your attitude I’m sure there would be quibbling over what she spent from any joint account. JFC, that 19 years must feel like a century to her.

If you’re so sure that your marriage is a happy and healthy one, why not show her this thread?

@CosyCoralCrab the “ solution “ is for both partners to understand, appreciate and value the other’s contribution to the marriage.

It also helps to have roughly the same attitude towards money , but most couples manage to compromise,

Your problem is that you don’t appreciate the sacrifices your wife has made for you in terms of her job and you don’t value her unpaid labour in growing, giving birth to and bringing up your children.

No bank account or app is going to fix your value system and entitled attitude .

Do you have kids out of interest?

I think things change once there are kids.