Wife's non-spend anniversary

[CosyCoralCrab]

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly p*ssed off?
Just back from our 19th wedding anniversary dinner, the norm when we go out is that she buys the pre-drinks, I buy dinner and drinks with dinner, she pays the tip and then we usually go for an after dinner drink she pays for.
While waiting for a table we sat at the bar on high stools, 2 pints, "sorry my handbag is all the way down there". Ok.
We had a nice dinner and they do good cocktails at this place which we had earlier remarked on, but no dice, so we just got the bill.
When it was time for a tip (no option on the card machine) it was "oh, I only have €50s" so I paid the tip in cash.
We usually go afterwards to a local very quiet pub, but she didn't want to. That's OK. But it meant she hadn't put her hand in her pocket all night.
I pay the mortgage, the grocery bills, gas and electricity, insurance etc. She worked in the home for years which was great for the kids, but is back in paid work 2 years and doing very well, got a promotion so now earns about 2/3rds of my net salary but we have not adjusted the split of bills etc.
AIBU?

If she was in the home and you worked, and she’s been back in work for 2 years…

Have either of you separate savings?
As above pensions?
As above investments?

And so on.

I assume the actual ‘usual’ arrangement for 17 years was you paid for everything. Because you worked and she didn’t. But I assume that wasn’t a joint account for some reason. How did it work?

Talk to her about changing the split of bills before resentment sets in. You could have said that you couldn't afford to take her out, having paid for her car repairs? It seems a bit OTT having particular parts of a night out designated to you or her to pay. Just take her out and pay, or stay in if you don't want to, or maybe she can pay for the night out next time.

Totally this, what a bizarre way to live after 19 years.

Separate accounts pre kids makes sense but after kids it’s doesn’t. Especially if she has stayed at home. 2/3rds of your salary is not equal to your salary is it. Also what about her pension pot, is that equal too? What about her earning potential moving forwards, will she be able to ‘catch up’ with you (probably by working herself into the ground whilst still being a mum and going through peri/menopause years) or will she always earn less? Complicated isn’t it when you think what’s fair in terms of splitting the bills. That’s why it’s just less of a headache to combine financials and have money go in and out of one account.

Not whinging just asking.
Nothing was pre-planned, but there's a way things usually work out and it didn't go that way this time. I didn't make a fuss and I won't either. You could say that anyone on AIBU is whinging! and no I will not be seething in resentment either. The whole purpose of discussion forums is to seek the opinions of others, is it not?

I do wonder what other people think being married means.

Whilst your wife was at home, were you paying into her private pension?

If not, she's lost out on several years of saving towards retirement, so she's justified in being careful with her earnings at the moment. Two years is not long at all to try to recoup years of lost earnings.

But overall, this whole her money your money is really crap in a marriage. You sound resentful over, let's be realistic, a small about of Euros at this meal.

If I were you, I'd be very sensitive and respectful when you bring up the finances conversation with her. She has lost a significant amount of earnings whilst raising your children. You should appreciate her contribution to your family/household.

Occupational pensions are each our own. She had a pretty good one in private sector pre-kids, is now in public sector like me.
We split our savings 50:50 between two credit union accounts one in each name, this way if anything happens to either of us the other has instant access to half of our savings and the other half is on nominated beneficiary which doesn't have to go through the probate process.
Investments 😅
When she wasn't in paid work the arrangement was the same as now except I made a transfer to her every payday to cover other expenses.
Pre-kids we split everything 50:50 and didn't see the point in joint accounts so we didn't.

Listing who usually pays for what at your anniversary dinner, and then noting what items your wife failed to play for on your 19th wedding anniversary, definitely comes under the definition of whinging.

Was a pension paid into for your wife during her time away from paid work while caring for your children? Because if not, that's going to put a few cocktails and clutch into sharp perspective.

Don’t PA bold the ‘paid’ at me. And her occupational pension is 2 years old and yours is 20 years old.

Regardless, behaving this way when you’re married is ridiculous. DH and I alternate paying for meals because it’s whoever has their card handy. It’s all the same money so who cares? If you put any surplus into savings 50:50 then it’s all the same to you as well so why does it matter?

No but she got full credits during that time towards the state pension which is not half bad in Ireland & includes a lot of ancillary benefits.
I am an old salt civil servant so won't get the old age pension! but will get 50% of final salary and if I keck it she'll get 25%.
We've got tons of life insurance too.
Don't worry I'm not going to make a big deal about this. Or even a small deal.
I'm thankful every day for what she has done and continues to do for our family. When we met she earned more than me, that's not a person's worth but yes she gave up a lot to work in the home and it was her choice.

I think from your answers what I find difficult to understand is what you wanted from the thread.

Maybe ask her if she’s unhappy with the way things are split/ usually split financially in more general terms and go from there?

It obviously doesn't work well if you're bitching about who paid for what, on your anniversary no less.

So for most of your marriage she didn’t work, you provided her with money for expenses es, but she was still expected to make sure she covered tip/drinks etc?!

DH and I have separate accounts but if I thought life was going to be like yours I’d not bother

We split our savings 50:50 between two credit union accounts one in each name,

I presume this arrangement has only been since your wife returned to paid employment.
Whose name were the savings in when she wasn't working in the PS.

Are you both now putting an equal amount of savings in both credit unions? This should not be the case as she is earning less than you.

When she wasn't in paid work the arrangement was the same as now except I made a transfer to her every payday to cover other expenses

So the savings for seventeen years were in your name only?

What ratio of your income was this transfer?

What did she use it for ie was it enough to pay for her hairdresser/clothes or was she expected to use it for the kid's clothes, activities, day to day expenditure?

I'm thankful every day for what she has done and continues to do for our family.

Really? Because quibbling about the exact split of a dinner bill suggests otherwise.

Rest assured that if you divorce, it'll all get fairly apportioned regardless of your current systems, and regardless of your faith in the generosity of her state pension. That is assuming she gets a decent solicitor.

Please. This is awful, you are married. Why isn’t there a joint account you both pay into to pay for dinners and clutches and kids football boots?
out of that account you get your individual fun money, equally.
I couldn’t live like this, squabbling over clutches and cocktails.

You’re actually complaining about buying your wife dinner and drinks for your anniversary when you’ve been married for 19 years??? This is the mother of your children but you begrudge her dinner? FFS, I’m embarrassed for you.

The clutch complaint is worse!

Back then we couldn't afford to go out much but when we did I of course covered it. I don't know if joint accounts are really the solution to all this. We've never done that. Would there not be questions about who spent what out of the joint account?

I'm not squabbling. We only have one car, it's hers, I have a motorbike which I use to get to work and it's a lot cheaper to run than the car! & any repairs are fully on me obv

Why are you splitting bills? That’s weird. You’re married, not housemates who shag from time to time. Your money is her money, her money is your money. It actually makes me cringe when I hear about married couples diligently dividing up the bills like this.

For what it’s worth, my view would be the same whether a man or woman had made this post.

No with a joint account you embrace that everything is shared money. You discuss larger costs and purchases and talk about things. If you want to go out and spend on clothes/food whatever you just go ahead and do it. And so does she. Some couples work out a budget for a monthly spend on ‘fun’ stuff.

The way you are doing it is bonkers.

Well no - why would their be? I don't understand the concept of his or her money after 20 years of marriage- surely it's just all joint money?

My grandparents were like this. It was an exhausting way to live. We'd get two separate cheques from them for birthdays sometimes!
Surely it's easier and less transactional to say this one's on me, you treat us next time? There is nothing romantic, nothing that says wow let's celebrate 19 years about well you should be getting the drinks, I'll get the starters... It's like room mates splitting the council tax!
I thought you were going to be asking for inspiration for non spend presents, like making her a card, not bemoaning covering the cost of two pints on your anniversary.