Wife's non-spend anniversary

[CosyCoralCrab]

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly p*ssed off?
Just back from our 19th wedding anniversary dinner, the norm when we go out is that she buys the pre-drinks, I buy dinner and drinks with dinner, she pays the tip and then we usually go for an after dinner drink she pays for.
While waiting for a table we sat at the bar on high stools, 2 pints, "sorry my handbag is all the way down there". Ok.
We had a nice dinner and they do good cocktails at this place which we had earlier remarked on, but no dice, so we just got the bill.
When it was time for a tip (no option on the card machine) it was "oh, I only have €50s" so I paid the tip in cash.
We usually go afterwards to a local very quiet pub, but she didn't want to. That's OK. But it meant she hadn't put her hand in her pocket all night.
I pay the mortgage, the grocery bills, gas and electricity, insurance etc. She worked in the home for years which was great for the kids, but is back in paid work 2 years and doing very well, got a promotion so now earns about 2/3rds of my net salary but we have not adjusted the split of bills etc.
AIBU?

Time to suggest a joint account for communal expenses with meals out being one of them.

Dh and I still have separate current accounts and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We do, however, have joint 'savings' out of which this kind of spend would come. So, mortgage and bills split proportionate to income, a personal allowance and the rest is pooled and is spent on days out, holidays, car and house maintenance etc. We discuss big spends from the savings pot together. It works very well.

I’m in a similar situation. I’ve been with DP for 26 years, and he has never wanted our money to be joint. The house is in both names and our Wills and life insurance are joint, but day to day our money is separate. He pays the mortgage and council tax, i pay utilities, tv licence etc.
Otherwise we spend our own money as we wish.
Going out, we take it in turns.
I'd much rather we had a household joint account, but we are where we are.
DP doesnt know about my ‘running away money’…

It reads to me that you’re what you’re actually upset about is the division of how money is spent at home but you’re using this meal out to channel that. The way you talk about this meal sounds like a couple who have just started dating not a married couple of 19 years and I’ll be honest it comes across as very petty. This surely can’t be what you’re actually upset about, there is something deeper at play.

Rather than let this fester and come out on what should be an enjoyable carefree evening, why don’t you ask to sit down to discuss household finances and have a bit of a reassessment on comings and goings now that she is working. Seems perfectly reasonable to want to do this.

One solution is you get a joint account (as well as keeping your own ones) you could both put a certain amount in each month to cover meals out etc. and then you avoid having this kind of irritated response to a night out together. You said to another poster you’re clever enough not to say anything - but good marriages rely on decent communication across all matters including finances. Until you speak with her you don’t know what her thoughts or expectations are on money now that she is earning. Hope you can get to a place where you don’t have to get down to such nitty gritty on who pays for what specific things on nights out as it doesn’t sound remotely fun.

Hmmm. Bit on the fence here.
You treated an anniversary dinner like a first date.(eg.Dutch. 50/50) Not cool.

She had her excuses/reasons all prepped and ready. Without the two of you discussing it beforehand, she knew she was going to be asked/expected to buy drinks and tips, and slid out of it. Interesting. I am guessing she wanted to be treated to anniversary dinner but didn't want an unromantic negotiation first.

No relationship remains the same after what?, 20 years ish and kids. You could be considered reasonable to have a calm sit down talk about finances to cover the school years(not University years or retirement years).

It caught my eye the odd way you specificaly wrote, "..2/3 of your NET salary" Please clarify that. Her gross is 2/3 your net or her net is 2/3 your net?

From experience I imagine that your wife has been looking forward to being in the workplace again. The giddy freedom of buying oneself a pair of socks without justifying the expense to someone critiquing the receipt, is wonderful.

I notice that couples nowadays tend towards proportional % to a bills pot and dc expenses, afterwards a personal individual spends.
Going forward that could be something you both agree on @CosyCoralCrab

You could also agree to take it in turns to pay the 'out for dinner' bill. However, as her personal spends would be less than yours, logically, her treats would be to places she can afford.

Well my answer would be yes and no. If it's a change to your usual practise then I understand that was a surprise. However I dont really understand separate accounts in marriage. Either you are a partnership or you are not. I guess if you want to feel like you are "treating" someone then you keep some separate fun money but here you are simply celebrating a long time being together so it comes out of a joint pot. So does anything to benefit your joint children so if the car is needed to ferry them (and you?) around sometimes its clutch is a joint expense.

You and your wife need to have a chat. Is she feeling resentful for the years at home and having a smaller pension? Why have you not addressed that by voluntary contributions and buying back years if the scheme allows it? Maybe she wants to do that rather than put more into the communal pot now. If so that should be a joint decision now you have more money coming in.

Edit for typo

Is she aware that you guys have these very specific rules in place regarding who pays for what part? She may not be aware of the etiquette as this to me sounds very, very specific and confusing unless agreed via a spreadsheet between both parties.

Anyhow, situation aside. If I was taking my partner to dinner. I’d want to treat him, i really wouldn’t care who pays for what. Might insist on paying as I want to make them feel looked after, treated.

The bigger issue is that you seem to resent your wife, as opposed to wanting to love her.

If the split of household finances seems unfair to you (and it might be if you pay 100% mortgage), then talk to her, as opposed to making a big deal out of a singular occasion that’s a symptom of something bigger.

However I dont really understand separate accounts in marriage. Either you are a partnership or you are not.

There's currently another thread about this. We've never had joint accounts, never considered it. I'd hate it. As another poster said on that thread
"I do object to the implication that having separate accounts makes a couple less of a team - to me, the marital team is 2 individuals committing to a partnership and way of life, not becoming somehow one person"

I find this level of tracking who's paying for what a bit gross, but to be fair to the OP if he was a woman and describing a man doing the same everyone would be saying ltb.

But his wife is the one who has been in paid work for two years but still isn’t contributing to shared bills.

This is a 19 year marriage. Not a 3rd date. Your money should be joint.

We pool everything into a joint account. We have budgets for holidays, supermarket, other household expenses and personal spends. Everything is shared equally between us. We are retired. My husband's pension is worth thousands and thousands more than mine but we love each other and we are a team so we share the work and we share the money. That applies to every penny that comes in. I can't imagine making a lifelong commitment to someone who picks and picks over who spent what.

Shouldn't that also apply to his wife? I couldn't imagine letting someone else pay all my expenses and not at least buy a drink. If she has an increased income then her contributions should increase.

Really. But you’re on here meaning about it.

I’d hate to live like this. Sorry.

Do you talk about this stuff though? Because you have said in multiple posts you aren’t going to make a fuss which says to me this will just be swept under the carpet

a decision was made years ago maybe it is time to discuss it

If it's your anniversary it should be paid from your joint pot.

Please tell me that you have one with a proportional contribution... and while on the subject, that you contribute proportional effort in the home as well.

I’ve been married 29 years and we have separate finances. That said if I hadn’t got my purse or the change for a tip my DH wouldn’t care the same way if he’d forgotten his wallet and I ended up paying for the meal it wouldn’t matter. We’ve never had a joint bank account but what mine is his and vice versa when necessary. The car repairs we would see who would pay whatever once the credit card bill came in.

Could you do this maths for me @CosyCoralCrab?

For all the years that your wife stayed at home to bring up your kids and did everything so that you could work full time - could you add up her lost wages and pension contributions?

Then estimate a figure for the career disadvantage she suffered being out of the labour market for X number of y years, her lost promotion opportunities .

whats total of these two numbers please ? Is it smaller or larger than the amount you think she owes you from last night ? Because that’s what you owe her, that’s the financial sacrifice she made for your career, pension and promotions.

💯 this

Did you miss the part where he pays for all the household bills? Why does he have to work and pay everything and she works to keep her money?

How can you live like this? All money is family money in our house. I’m not even like you with close friends - sometimes I pay, sometimes they do. None of us is skint so if we want cocktails, we buy them. If one of us were having a tough time financially, we would sub them a dinner.

Presumably she's playing catch up with her pension and personal accounts. As she should.

Do you pay mileage when you go in the family car? Did you miss the part where he’s just put in a new clutch costing 750? He may of called it her car and both use it that’s fine, I’m sure they call their home ‘our’ home yet he’s the one that pays for it 🤷‍♀️

…you are married with two children. This is insane.