Wife's non-spend anniversary

[CosyCoralCrab]

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly p*ssed off?
Just back from our 19th wedding anniversary dinner, the norm when we go out is that she buys the pre-drinks, I buy dinner and drinks with dinner, she pays the tip and then we usually go for an after dinner drink she pays for.
While waiting for a table we sat at the bar on high stools, 2 pints, "sorry my handbag is all the way down there". Ok.
We had a nice dinner and they do good cocktails at this place which we had earlier remarked on, but no dice, so we just got the bill.
When it was time for a tip (no option on the card machine) it was "oh, I only have €50s" so I paid the tip in cash.
We usually go afterwards to a local very quiet pub, but she didn't want to. That's OK. But it meant she hadn't put her hand in her pocket all night.
I pay the mortgage, the grocery bills, gas and electricity, insurance etc. She worked in the home for years which was great for the kids, but is back in paid work 2 years and doing very well, got a promotion so now earns about 2/3rds of my net salary but we have not adjusted the split of bills etc.
AIBU?

She may have a lot of resentment for the years when you had to her the 'favour' of transferring money to her. That is a really unhealthy dynamic in a marriage.

Did she have to ask if she needed new shoes or clothing or wanted to go out with a friend? That would be a humiliating position to be in.

But in a 19 year marriage all of these assets would be seen as being marital assets rather than his and hers and the pettiness of I paid for this and you paid for that surely doesn’t still need to be around now

they made a decision years ago not to have joint accounts - perhaps it is time to discuss whether having gone through the child raising and now both earn and to be fair if she earns 2/3s given the time she stayed at home she is doing fairly well and a rethink

@CosyCoralCrab for me your assertion that you aren’t going to say anything is the problem- this is your wife something change talk about it and figure out if something needs to change

I have been married just slightly longer than you and one thing I have noticed is that our relationship has evolved and changed over the years - and it needs a refresher every now and then touch base to see if anything needs to change and a lot of communication

She got full credits whilst she was home and had a good private pension, they split their savings 50:50 to put into their pensions and he was transferring her money to pay for expenses. It’s not like nothing has been contributed to it.

Seems very stressful to operate like this. When the bill comes my husband pays on the joint credit card. No discussion happens before or after. And I’m pleased that happens for us as we would have left the meal happy but you have now left it feeling annoyed. Seems a ridiculous waste of your time considering all your assets are joint.

But she didn't contribute to a workplace pension. Only sensible for her to catch up. He can afford her a little bit of grace after years of sacrifice.

The time to change the arrangement would be when children came along. Did she suggest it then @CosyCoralCrab? Im wondering if you held her to the arrangement that existed before children, because she was better off than you before DC.

Yeah this. ^ I find married couples having separate finances really odd. Each to their own and all that, but it wouldn't work for me.

In many cases, men are the higher earners (despite many women on here claiming that they earn waaaaay more than their husband/partner.)

So there will almost always be a power imbalance when it comes to finances. So she does more housework/domestic chores/life admin/wifework/childcare, and has less money, and he does much less than her and has more surplus income. Seen this happen in so many couples/families!

I rarely see this type of couple in a happy relationship.

This all sounds incredibly depressing and exhausting @CosyCoralCrab I couldn't be in a relationship like this. Sounds too much like hard work!

!

Just back from our 19th wedding anniversary dinner...she hadn't put her hand in her pocket all night

Last of the true romantics 😭

For some reason you've set up your life like a pair of flatmates, not a married couple. I can see the point of having separate accounts for discretionary spending if you want but surely you need to recognise that some expenses are just joint and can't be divvied up meaningfully. It's no way to live and inevitably leads to resentment, as it has here. Fretting about who paid what at your actual anniversary dinner is madness.

Just to clarify. Was she paying for her share, ie pre-dinner drinks/tip when she wasn't working as well?

Anyway, as I said upthread it would be the absolute monotony that would get to me. Maybe it's not about the money so much for her, it's about trying to change things up.

So if your salary went into a joint account when she wasn’t working which you could both spend freely from, it would only be fair that she added her new salary to that joint bank account. I think this is the best option once you’ve had kids.

However, if you didn’t have a joint bank account before, you’d only be arguing for that solution now it’s convenient for you.

How the hell you two have made it to 19 years with such a weird resentment is beyond me. Here's to the next 19 grumbling along, keep us posted!

Does it matter who pays? Its joint money if you are married!

@SevenHundredandFortyThreeThree · Today 09:02

cosycoralcrab

Just back from our 19th wedding anniversary dinner...she hadn't put her hand in her pocket all night

Last of the true romantics 😭

LOL I know right. The OP sounds more like a tight-fisted bloke on a first date, who wants his 'date' to pay 50% of everything, to 'prove' she isn't a gold-digger!!! 😂Not a man talking about his wife of 2 decades! 😬

I would probably have a chat about splitting the bills etc now she is working. What I really wanted to say though, as you seem to be getting a hard time over it, we have separate finances to a degree and we are married. We have a joint account for bills then our own money but we always know we can depend on eachother if needed and we try to be fair about things and not leave one person to pay for everything. We still spIit things fairly equally. I have never understood how totally joint finances work when it comes to things like buying presents for eachother. I don't think we are weird at all and we have never once bickered over money

You would think so wouldn't you?! 😆

But we don’t know if that’s what she is doing. Even if she is, shouldn’t she have told him that and asked him to pay? Rather than just expect him to when they normally have an arrangement.

This is so bizarre.

DH and I have separate finances but we wouldn't dream of being this petty. Sometimes he pays, sometimes I pay. We don't tally it up and work it out to the exact penny.

It’s not your money it’s shared money so it doesn’t matter who pays

I'm less weird about the bill when I'm with my mates than you are with your actual wife!

What sort of marriage is it when you have to negotiate who pays for anniversary drinks?
Honestly wtf.

Is she paying anything towards the household e.g. who pays for holidays and for the kids clothes/phone bills/clubs/school dinners/birthday presents/Christmas presents etc? Also who does cleaning/cooking etc. Depending on the size of your mortgage, how many kids you have and their ages that could equal your household contributions.

This. So odd. Especially after 2 decades together!

It’s their marriage, that’s how they do it.
I don’t have a marriage like that but that doesn’t mean to say we get to say other people’s ways are wrong or right. They have a way of doing it that works for them

But it's clearly NOT working is it?! 😂 Hence, the OP making this thread!!!

Joint accounts are the best choice for married couples. Splitting bills often leads to resentment.