Wife's non-spend anniversary

[CosyCoralCrab]

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly p*ssed off?
Just back from our 19th wedding anniversary dinner, the norm when we go out is that she buys the pre-drinks, I buy dinner and drinks with dinner, she pays the tip and then we usually go for an after dinner drink she pays for.
While waiting for a table we sat at the bar on high stools, 2 pints, "sorry my handbag is all the way down there". Ok.
We had a nice dinner and they do good cocktails at this place which we had earlier remarked on, but no dice, so we just got the bill.
When it was time for a tip (no option on the card machine) it was "oh, I only have €50s" so I paid the tip in cash.
We usually go afterwards to a local very quiet pub, but she didn't want to. That's OK. But it meant she hadn't put her hand in her pocket all night.
I pay the mortgage, the grocery bills, gas and electricity, insurance etc. She worked in the home for years which was great for the kids, but is back in paid work 2 years and doing very well, got a promotion so now earns about 2/3rds of my net salary but we have not adjusted the split of bills etc.
AIBU?

So when she drives the family somewhere do you meet her on your motorbike? How have kids been transported over the years? Shops?

i can’t understand your mentality at all as we have had joint accounts since marriage but if you are going to be so concerned pay everything into a joint account for all household expenses and pay yourselves two separate ‘fun’ accounts with the same amount. Argue then about things like whether car and motorbike costs should come out of household or fun accounts depending on their contribution to the household.

Sorry, this has got to be a wind up.
Don’t feed the troll.

Well, there's nothing else for it - she's paying in full for the 20th anniversary meal/night out🤷‍♀️

19 years of marriage and still sulking over who pays for drinks. Dear God. What a way to live.
Finances should have been shared more fairly from the start then you wouldn't be in this predicament.
Hopefully she's shoving her money into pensions and investments of her own.
It's not her car, it's the family car. Says a lot about your attitude.

🤣🤣🤣

This. All the money is ours, we just have separate accounts so that we can spend independently when we need to, but may as well be spending from the same bank account.

Maybe she’s offsetting the cost against her lost pension contributions for the past 19 years?

Romance alive and kicking then! The fact you took the time to sit and start the thread is toe curling. Over the price of a dinner! Go and make her a cup of tea. Maybe she’ll pay next year.

Men tight with money are highly unattractive

I would tell my DD to run from any man that would suggest this arrangement. What a terrible way to live. My heart would break if she found someone similar to OP, who tallies up who spends what on a 19th wedding anniversary dinner. My goodness this is one of the saddest stores I’ve come across in a while. There’s something so empty about treating your spouse like that.

Agreed.

Ducking and diving to avoid buying your SO a drink on your anniversary.

Grim and tight

If this was in reverse, Mumsnet would be all over the LTB, how can he treat you like that, etc.

Op you state that you have had separate finances and it's always worked, but it isn't otherwise you wouldn't write the thread. It worked because you were earning all the money. That has now changed, so proportional contribution to household expenses also needs to change. I agree with others that she may be saving for something nice, or maybe is just revelling in having her own money again, but I don't think it's unreasonable to sit down together now and reorganise finances. You need make no reference to your anniversary dinner. You may wish to present that you have limited savings, that you both need to sort long term planning etc. Proportional is fair. Likely means her contribution goes up, yours go down and then you should both agree a joint savings pot. You don't need shared accounts, but savings should be. My DH and I have always had separate accounts, it causes us no issues at all. Our savings though are all in both names and we have a joint account for bills.

It is not unreasonable for a DH to pay for everything on an evening. But it's also not unreasonable for a DW to either.

She’s been earning for 2 years after not for years, give her a break. Do you know how much anxiety comes with not having your own income stream and relying on your partner?

Did you pay her half the market rate for a housekeeper/childminder for her work in the home raising your children and looking after you and your home? I’m going to say, almost certainly not. So did you then pay equally into savings and a pension for her as you did for yourself? Or is she 17 years behind on savings and pension? Will you continue to have split finances after you retire so that you have a lot more than her to spend for the rest of your life or are you now on a fairly equal footing?

The answers to these questions will determine whether you’re being unreasonable. It may be that she’s realising now that she only has a relatively short time left to get herself set up for the future (and it’s always possible that now the children are grown, and she’s getting older and potentially less physically attractive to you, that you’ll have your head turned and take off with another woman). Or maybe none of this is true and, despite having separate finances, you’ve been scrupulously fair to her all those 19 years, valued her contributions (or she insisted on staying at home and you really didn’t want her to and were prepared to do fully half the housework, cooking and child-care responsibilities). Then she is being somewhat unreasonable for one night - but I’d wait and see if it’s a pattern before getting too upset about it.

I don’t understand and dislike your attitude.

Regarding pensions: ‘she had a pretty good one in private sector pre-kids, is now in public sector like me’.

In another post you say that your wife took time out from paid work for your DC, which will have meant no employer payments to a pension scheme for that time. You mention transferring money to her for things, during that time, but not paying into her pension.

So she would get some pension of yours if you die but while you’re alive, which is the probable scenario, needs to ask you for money!

We work out our average joint spend on bills monthly and family expenses and split that according to earnings so it's distributed. Then use that for bills and keep our own money for us. That way bills are paid and if either of us ran off with the milkman and drained the joint account, it'd only be a couple of grand max.
I simply cannot fathom having separate money for bills as its always going to be unfair on one person. Plus - its easy to see what your monthly expenses are as it's all one account.
So ESH - get a joint!

And they say Romance is dead ……

Honestly - quibbling over drinks spend on your wedding anniversary is bizarre. First date - you’d have a point but 19 year married what a way to live.

I would just get a joint account and agree an amount to each transfer over every month and be done with it. Agree on what it's to be used for (I would include going out in this) and keep your own chunk of salary in your individual account for personal spends. If your wife is using the car for transporting kids, holidays etc then I would say that would count as a household expense (at least a percentage of the cost of repairs/maintenance).

I think your wife sounds fed up of you insisting on splitting everything every time you go out. You were happy to have her stay at home and raise your kids, but now she's got a promotion at work, you sound jealous and like you want her money. Have you sat down and looked at how much it would have cost you if you'd stayed home for those years instead? I doubt she was getting a particularly generous 'allowance' whilst she was at home with the kids if you're splitting hairs over paying for a night out.

You need a joint account that you both put some cash in to cover things like this. You can still keep your separate accounts.
When she wasn't working, did she have to come to you cap in hand whenever she wanted something?

Get a joint account. My guess: You were stingy and untrusting when she raised your children and she had to rely on a 'daily transfer'. Ask her if that annoys her now when she looks back. I bet it does and now she's feeling like being stingy back.

This
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And this!

Depends tbh. While she was a lt home looking after the kids, did that affect her career progression/pension/ earning capability? If so, I think you probably should be paying a higher proportion of household costs. Particularly if you have individual savings and she doesn't.
But if splitting costs is your standard arrangement, both are happy and in agreement and the split has been managed so that it's equitable, then Yanbu. She's changed the terms without your agreement. I would be wondering if she has some financial struggle and is hiding it from you.
A conversation needs to be had I think.

So op pays for everything and wife gets to keep all her earnings. In what world is that fair?

How much time do you waste in your life worrying about shit like this? On your anniversary, you're focused on who pays what - you should stay at home and work your finances out. It doesn't sound like you like her.

Clutches and cocktails should be the name of this thread.

Maybe your wife is finally getting her ducks in a row now the children are grown up and she has a job. Hope she finds a good solicitor.