Wife's non-spend anniversary

[CosyCoralCrab]

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly p*ssed off?
Just back from our 19th wedding anniversary dinner, the norm when we go out is that she buys the pre-drinks, I buy dinner and drinks with dinner, she pays the tip and then we usually go for an after dinner drink she pays for.
While waiting for a table we sat at the bar on high stools, 2 pints, "sorry my handbag is all the way down there". Ok.
We had a nice dinner and they do good cocktails at this place which we had earlier remarked on, but no dice, so we just got the bill.
When it was time for a tip (no option on the card machine) it was "oh, I only have €50s" so I paid the tip in cash.
We usually go afterwards to a local very quiet pub, but she didn't want to. That's OK. But it meant she hadn't put her hand in her pocket all night.
I pay the mortgage, the grocery bills, gas and electricity, insurance etc. She worked in the home for years which was great for the kids, but is back in paid work 2 years and doing very well, got a promotion so now earns about 2/3rds of my net salary but we have not adjusted the split of bills etc.
AIBU?

I assume this is why the OP is actually annoyed (not unreasonably). The dinner gripe sounds petty and odd but but this is thd important issue.

You’ve lived like this for 19 years?!? This sounds like people that have been on about 3 dates!

She is not ‘unemployed’!!! She has been working her ass off raising their children and running the house. She is still working.

You do know these are paid professions - perhaps he should have paid her? I can’t imagine the cost, a fulll time housekeeper (£25,000 PA) a nanny 24 hours a day (£35,000 PA) and PA/administrator (£15,000) so roughly £75,000 per annum for 17 years - so she can invoice him £1.275million and they should be about even if you want to be fair and just.

Geez what a way to dampen what was supposed to be a pleasant night out!

Is everthing so mundane as this in your lives? You do the exact same thing every time you go out for a meal?

Maybe the little switch up of the boring mundane routine was what she was after.

It sounds so transactional I can’t imagine why she even turned up. I would find this so deeply unattractive in a spouse.

It sounds like it’s been an extremely long 19 years

Very petty way to live and it sounds exhausting. You’re married - the money belongs to both of you.

She’s saving up to leave you and your financially controlling ways.

Im not sur the OP would get the harsh responses they are getting if it was vice versa.

Not sure why they are getting grief for coming in mumsnet to ‘winge’. Plenty of posts on here are exactly that and i don’t see them being told for daring to post on a forum.

@CosyCoralCrab you need a sit down chat about finances and contributions to the bills.
We have seperate finances ( no marriage or kids) but neither would allow the other to pay everything. Or not contribute on a night out.

What she says.

I think working her ass off is a stretch. But if it makes you feel better to pretend it warrants “millions” go ahead.

Either way, she needs to be financially responsible now.

First post nails it .

Pretty sure it didn't have a purse in it

Did you create a Mumsnet account to slag off your wife? Don’t you have any friends? Or would you be too embarrassed to admit to being so incredibly stingy and petty in real life?

It's a tedious way to live but if it has been working up til now what's changed? She definitely needs to step up and in a calmer moment I'd ask what's going on? Why is she avoiding paying? Point out that bill paying and clutches on cars are no longer your exclusive obligation. Do you generally feel a bit taken advantage of or do you feel your marriage is fairly equal.

Oh
My
God

How is the OP controlling? Seriously, how?

The OP pays for everything......food, gas, electricity, mortgage etc and the OPs wife pays for what?

The wife earns two thirds of what the OP earns (let's say £2k to the OPs £3k) and what the fuck is the wife's money being spent on?

Jesus! How is the OP controlling?

It sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Your wife has not worked for many years (how many exactly?) and so you have got used to paying for everything. However she is now working so you are now expecting her to contribute (have you raised this with her?). If she always shares the payment for the anniversary meal then perhaps it feels provocative to you that she didn’t for the first time in 19 years, especially when your expectation is that she will now start paying more, not less. Perhaps she was fed up of sharing the cost of the dinner when she wasn’t working and was making a point? Perhaps she wanted you to treat her this time? Perhaps she is fed up of splitting everything all the time? You won’t know until you speak with her. You need to have an open and frank conversation about the finances. You need to tell her how you feel, but also be prepared to hear how she feels. I am guessing that it is this latter point that makes you avoid raising things with her. Be prepared to hear a very different side to this story.

You need to sit down and reset your finances. It seems it was very amicable when your DW was a homemaker and you the breadwinner.
But the dynamic has now changed your DW has restarted working so should ideally now be contributing financially, same as you are presumably doing more to help run the household day to day jobs .

Imagine spending 19 years counting who paid for what with the woman who had your babies and brought them up. I have the complete and total ick.

I think you are getting a hard time. I don't think it is about the dinner but that financial expectations haven't changed since she has gone back to work. How old are your children? I think you need to have a sensible chat about arranging your finances going forward.

This is a very unusual set up and one I simply couldn't live with. Where's the generosity of spirit? Where's the teamwork? Where's the sharing the load to lighten it?

I earn significantly more than my husband but all our money is pooled, then we each get the same amount of 'personal money' into our separate accounts, and what's left is joint savings and money for any joint spending.

The idea of thinking "it's unfair I paid for dinner" for your wife is bizarre.

Also, it's bizarre you can't talk to her about it. Leaving the money details aside, being able to discuss the topics that matter to you is surely a cornerstone of a good marriage? Otherwise resentment grows and love dies.

The car/ motorbike has got to me!
You have kids, they can't go on your motorbike, your motorbike can't be used for a big shop, take stuff to the tip or whatever (convenient). Therefore the car isn't "her" car, its the family car. Pay for the clutch or get your own car! and please don't say "but we agreed I would have a motorbike" that will make you sound like a whiny person.

You live your lives this way and that’s worked. But it’s interesting that she didn’t pay on your anniversary. I would be interested to find out why? You will only have this answer by communicating with her. I dated someone many years ago who wanted reimbursement for everything and it did drive me crazy. So there is a fine line but then married someone who was a nightmare with money. Me and dp split most things or take it in turns but we don’t live together. Maybe she just wanted to be treated on your anniversary and this was her way of showing you.

Very good point.