Wife's non-spend anniversary

[CosyCoralCrab]

Am I being unreasonable to be slightly p*ssed off?
Just back from our 19th wedding anniversary dinner, the norm when we go out is that she buys the pre-drinks, I buy dinner and drinks with dinner, she pays the tip and then we usually go for an after dinner drink she pays for.
While waiting for a table we sat at the bar on high stools, 2 pints, "sorry my handbag is all the way down there". Ok.
We had a nice dinner and they do good cocktails at this place which we had earlier remarked on, but no dice, so we just got the bill.
When it was time for a tip (no option on the card machine) it was "oh, I only have €50s" so I paid the tip in cash.
We usually go afterwards to a local very quiet pub, but she didn't want to. That's OK. But it meant she hadn't put her hand in her pocket all night.
I pay the mortgage, the grocery bills, gas and electricity, insurance etc. She worked in the home for years which was great for the kids, but is back in paid work 2 years and doing very well, got a promotion so now earns about 2/3rds of my net salary but we have not adjusted the split of bills etc.
AIBU?

And do you pay mileage when you go in the car on a day out? 50% per kid?

I don’t drive, I have an ebike. But the car I don’t know how to drive I see as the family car. Is anything a family anything to you?

You are coming across as incredibly tight.

Your bike and her car - how do the kids travel around around?

I'm starting to get a real feel for why your wife is holding her purse strings so tightly.

Why bother going out to 'celebrate' at all. Just go out on your own and think of the money you'd save by buying one meal and a couple of drinks for yourself while congratulating yourself on your 'marriage'.

Bizarre couldn't imagine this in our marriage, all money goes in joint, bill money is moved to a separate account once a month and that's it the rest we go out or buy what we need or fix stuff and no problems who spends what or gets what

Assuming you’re male:

Mate, buy your wife an anniversary dinner you bloody tight arse. 😀

And all the drinks. It’s what us blokes do.

Ugh. My dh often pays when we go out. Because going out is the way he takes care of me since otherwise I would cook. I was a SAHM for years with no income snd now I work and he is retired but all our money belongs to each of us so it’s purely notional whether he pays or I pay. 30 years. Very happy.

You are applying a sort of logic and reason ("she hasn't paid her share which is not fair") but you are applying it in a low-rent manner.

Your resources are pooled, so it doesn't really matter who pays for what at the end of the day.

I’m clearly a lone voice here but our finances work in a vaguely similar way. My dh earns a good chunk more than me, he pays the mortgage and bills but I cover all costs relating to the children including childcare when they were younger, clubs, clothes, presents, residential trips, phones etc
We then keep what’s left of each of our salaries as our own disposable income in our own bank accounts. We both do food shopping but when we go out for dinner, he probably pays more often than me. However, I do pay sometimes and I’m probably more generous than him with present buying. He wouldn’t pay a repair on my car though, I wouldn’t need him too.
The way we split our finances works for us and there’s no resentment but probably because we both use our disposable income to treat the either sometimes, I could see how I might get pissed off if I was funding the joint social life (but not over one night though).

Sounds like she wanted to be treated on her anniversary for once, but felt she had to engineer it.

I feel for her.

If I’m reading this right, she’s been unemployed for 17 years, now has a job and still isn’t contributing financially? The dinner is irrelevant. You need to reset the financial arrangements.

You money grubbing tight arse!
You’ve been married 19 years and it didn’t occur to you to take your wife out and cover (without comment) the entire cost of the evening. Not only did it plainly not occur to you, you obviously didn’t want too! Unpleasant much.

You’re getting a hard time because people assume you are male (you might be) but I’m sure the answers would be different otherwise.

Surely though, you just have a conversation with your wife about the readjustment of who pays what. I mean when she went back to work did you not discuss this?

Why no discussion about the clutch? Why didn’t you just hand her the handbag if she was due to pay?

After 19 yrs surely you can talk about these things?

If you must insist on having separate finances I suggest you get a Revolut account or joint account just for scenarios like this. You both put £50 quid a month into it to cover meals out etc so this kind of thing can be avoided. Sounds tedious and it’s no way to live

Perhaps she’s saving up to leave you?
Seriously your post does sound petty regarding your anniversary - didn’t know anyone did the he/she pay malarky on a romantic night out.
However, you do need to sit down and have a chat together about who puts what into paying bills etc.
I’ve been married a long, long time and we have only a joint account for everything - and have done from day one - why wouldn’t we? We are a partnership.
We really don’t understand each having separate accounts (although our married kids do - we don’t comment but we think it very odd). Sometimes I earned more, often H did. I quit work at least ten years before him so I suppose you’d call me a ‘kept woman’ but it works for us.

Sorry, did you mean it's your first date? 😂 You know if you divorced half your money would be given to her?

This!

Come on, her anniversary?

It wasn't her birthday, it was their shared anniversary which she chose to make a point.

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OP, I'm not saying I understand your split, but choosing to demonstratively break it on the anniversary dinner doesn't sound as the most mature way to open the conversation from her.

Anyway, it sounds your current system doesn't really work for you two, so find a better one. It is possible to have both joint and private accounts.

I personally wouldn't like the need to remember the order of payment actions and being the one demonstratively covering selected lesser parts would feel a bit patronising.
I'm not sure that a joint account now would improve things that much - after not having one when she didn't earn

I suppose you can open the discussion and listen to her, just don't expect resolving it at one go - unless you both feel good about some option.

I'd suggest that you open a joint account and into the joint account, each month, you BOTH pay (proportionate to your salaries) enough to cover all bills
.......direct debits, standing orders etc.....also food and other regular monthly expenses.

Then, when you know you're going out for a meal, away for a holiday or weekend etc, you pay into the joint account (proportionate to your salaries) enough to cover these events

You pay expenses related to your bike from YOUR bank account

She pays expenses related to the car from HER bank account

You pay for your personal monthly expenses eg clothes, gym, haircut etc etc from your bank account

She pays for her personal monthly expenses from her bank account

Have I missed anything out?

Why would the answers be different? One partner has looked after the children and house, not in paid work until recently. One partner has been in paid work throughout.

I wouldn’t change my response if it turned out to be any combination of sexes. However, I’d be amazed if OP isn’t a man.

Why didn’t you just hand her the handbag if she was due to pay?

Ahahaha. Nothing says let’s celebrate our marriage like being handed your handbag as a prompt to pay your share of the bill on your wedding anniversary 😂

My ex boyfriend was like this. Obsessed with who paid for what down to the last pound. He became an ex for a reason. What a joyless way to live.

Sorry @CosyCoralCrab but this made me laugh. I get it that you get into routines when married but this! She pays drinks abd then I pay this and then she does this. It's not a way to live. It's ott and really sad.

We don’t have any joint accounts, and have been married over 30 years. But I can’t imagine ever being worried about who pays for what. As I have been the higher earner my only concern has been making sure DP never ever feels short of cash. So YABU.

it’s a bit of a weird tradition for your anniversary too IMO.

But in this case it didn’t work well so either mention it or try to get over it. The anniversary thing sounds petty but you’re obviously unhappy with this new situation where she is working but you are no better off and YANBU in that respect.

Its clearly not working that well if you are posting on Mumsnet about this!

Just bung everything in the joint account and pay yourselves equal fun money, then there are no arguments about who's paid for what.

Sounds like a joyous occasion where you showed your love and appreciation for your wife of 19 years and all the work she did looking after the home and kids and you. Oh no hang on, you were totting up the costs the whole time in your head. It was only dinner, not a Caribbean holiday, and you’re married not on a first date.

We were similar.

When i went back to work DH gave me some breathing space to get my finances in order.

After than we had a discussion. When he was the only one working it was all on him! It was nice that i could save and pay for things - like school uniforms and trips.

He old then afford to treat himself and buy clothes, have lads weekends away and start to enjoy a bit more financial freedom away from all the bills and mortgage.

We still have separate accounts.

Kids are older so I now help over pay the mortgage- I buy the oil for heating, I pay for the shopping and half the holidays.

We no longer have university costs so we have more money.

Yes we are married and i’m grateful he gave every last penny during the kids younger years when i wasn’t working.

That should mean I’m too tight to buy him a drink.

I think you need a conversation about going forward - Make a list o out goings - decide what is important - savings, house hold repairs, car repairs etc and make it a joint decision.

You set up a joint account for regular payments - have spending money - she needs more fuel that you do for example - and see what’s left.