To think of your child is 5+ and still can’t behave in public, you’re the problem?

[ThatDeepGoose]

I understand developmental delays, this isn’t about that. It’s about basic manners not being taught.

Is your last paragraph aimed at the Mum who doesn't seem to be defusing the situation? Sometimes kids just hate food shopping but perk up in the toy section. That's pretty understandable but how can you deal with it ?

OK so, in a couple of lines, how can a carer avoid disruption in a public space ? (Not an ironic question(

Planned ignoring is a form of behaviour management.

We ignore minor behaviour from my son all the time, because what’s he’s looking for is a reaction and not getting one teaches him that’s not how to get attention, and in the long run he’ll stop trying to get it that way - because it won’t have the desired outcome. So that could be what you’re seeing when someone isn’t defusing something.

Kids who hate food shopping should obviously be taught strategies to manage that that don’t involve throwing things around. But that takes time. We’re (likely) talking about kids who are still learning the ability to do things they don’t want to do.

How do you know whether they have additional needs before you judge them? My son doesn’t “look neurodiverse” - but he has autism, adhd and dyspraxia. How exactly are you singling out “the bad ones” from the “additional needs ones?”

If the behaviour is contained to only affect those with the child fine but if a parent is deliberately ignoring a child having a full on tantrum and doing nothing so other people have to put up with 20 mins of screaming not on

Take the child outside the shop or wherever they can continue the tantrum there

Ignoring was my solution for years but strangers certainly gave me some disparaging looks. I have to smile at doing things we don't want to - isn't that life in general and not just childhood!

AIBU completely!

1. you cant tell if a child has additional needs but just looking at them.
2. you have no idea other than that snapshot in time what that child is like
3. you have no idea what that parent has done at home or what follow throughs there might be when you aren't there.

My DS once had a tantrum in a shop. He'll usually push the boundaries with the constant asking for things but had a full on tantrum. I was in the queue to pay. I left him to tantrum and picked him up on my way out. That day he just had enough emotionally and it came out that way. Those people openly judging me made me feel like a crap mum. The one person who came up to me and gave me a hug and said we have all been there reminding me it doesn't matter what judgy people think as they have no idea what your life is like.

I’m not really interested in the disparaging looks, in all honesty. He’s not their kid.

It is, but how do we teach kids resilience to doing things they don’t want to, or being in situations they find difficult, if we don’t make them get through them.

Respectfully, how do you know if a child has additional needs? They don’t wear hi vis jackets to identify themselves.

I find it fascinating how strangers can pass judgement on a 30 second snapshot in public. Suddenly they know their entire family history and how their parents are lazy and sit on their phones all day.

Where I work I have to deal with middle aged people who throw tantrums. Do I think their parents failed them and raised them to be brats? Or maybe they had a hell of a fucking week and it just so happened that something broke the camels back.

Looks, depends how you cope!

Agree about resilience. My Dad used to say 'life is basically unfair' and I instilled this into my kids. There is always someone with power over you who you need to please to have peace and quiet - teachers, coaches, bosses. It never ends! The swallow it and grin often works if you help them have the confidence. Earlier you start, easier it is.

😂

And it doesn't look like they understand developmental delays either even though they think they do, and can miraculously tell just by looking at children whether they have them or not.

Brains mature at different rates. Perfectly behaved kids turn into crazed hormonal animals when they hit their teens, then grow into perfectly reasonable adults. Some kids struggle when they are younger.

Is this another political campaign on here, because these forums are getting hammered with "I blame the parents" generalisation threads. I wonder if the government or Reform are priming people to agree and accept short sighted, socially damaging policies in order to save a few quid. 🤔 When threads get hammered with the same topic, there is usually something like that in the pipeline.

@ThatDeepGoose A MN thread isn't going to persuade people support bad policies.

Would I be being obtuse if I blamed it on the telly? Little by little, values have been stifled and bad behaviour just as bad language has become the norm. I used to blame it on following the US who introduced gentle parenting decades before Europe and look where that got them - storming the Capitol !

Same or avoid places in the school holidays. I don’t know what’s happening here but we weren’t allowed to do as we liked when we were kids. I think it must be that no one can be told No. It’s a breakdown in our society

Actually, are you aware that ADHD can override anything, including manners?

My DC has beautiful manners and when on her ADHD medication, is the model of a polite little English girl. Awards from school, comments from strangers on how polite she is. Even a commendation for helping others. Please, thank you, may I, is it possible etc etc.

Without medication? A human jumping bean and noise machine. interrupts. Inappropriate comments. Needs to be held tightly by one hand despite her age or she's out of control. She has no impulse control and has no sense of risk so is in danger in some environments.

The medicated and unmedicated behaviours are night and day. Yet we've had public comments, constant, ongoing reports from school, side-eye looks from other parents. She literally can't help it but as far as other adults are concerned, she's a rude, aggressive brat.

I reiterate. An observer can't tell the difference.

Maybe avoid places with "badly behaved" children? It's not hard.

I've seen far more badly behaved adults in my life, they are harder to avoid.

So what is your point? This whole thread only concerns he behaviour of neurotypical children so why are you explaining about the difficulties of others?

Going by the almost 50/50 vote, I am wondering if everybody read the question properly. I think you are asking if it is reasonable or unreasonable to think that the parent is at fault if a child is badly behaved. Am I correct ?

No. You are wrong. The OP is making judgements about the people she sees out and about and will often have no clue if a child is neurodivergent or not. Not all disabilities are visible, yet she proceeds to judge anyway. My own son is autistic and has ADHD but doesn't have a neon sign above his head to state this
She wouldn't know. Therefore this thread includes ALL children that the OP might see in public... including the previous poster's ADHD child. Hope that's clear enough for you.

My son sounds like your daughter. You are spot on in what you say.

This. So glad so many posters are saying this.

So what is the criteria for neurotypical? Who decides? Because behaviour that can be considered bad and rude can be a symptom of an SEN.

So do you judge every bad and rudely behaved child as a brat? Or do you do a mental assessment to decide if based on 5 minutes in Tesco (an assessment that takes experts upwards of 4 hours) if a child is special needs?

My POINT is how the fuck do you know?

But how do you know?

I struggled with DS and his behaviour at that age, he wasn't diagnosed with ASD until he was 10.

I'm sure plenty of people judged me.

Hard disagree OP. I think we have exceptionally high standard for children’s behaviour when actually there are a lot of adults who cannot regulate their own emotions and act out in adult ways.
Children misbehaving is not pleasant, but it is a sign of healthy development. It’s not normal for children to be well behaved all the time and if you’re only seeing snippets then you really have no idea whether it’s normal kid stuff or something else.

So, even if the OP is talking about ALL children (of whom only 15/20% are neurodivergent( don't you think people's replies are of interest ?

"Only"? Don't you think 15%-20% is... erm... quite a significant proportionof the population? And that as the OP has no idea which of the kids/families she judges are ND, her claim that this isn't about ND kids is ridiculous?

And who on earth said that other people's replies aren't of interest?

... You do realise that your post makes absolutely no sense don't you? 🙈