To think of your child is 5+ and still can’t behave in public, you’re the problem?

[ThatDeepGoose]

I understand developmental delays, this isn’t about that. It’s about basic manners not being taught.

It seems you feel the need to judge, but that's not a great approach.

A lot of people are a bit non-perfect, life's tough, parenting is hard and it can be tricky to get it right. And I guess some people don't want the battle, for a whole host of reasons that range from valid to invalid.

I congratulate you on being a top-tier parent, but not everyone can get life as right as you.

Rather than judging, just give yourself a pat on the back.

5 is very young, even some adults can't behave in public you can't expect any child to behave impeccably all the time.
But also please don't be so judgemental you have no idea what lies behind a child's behaviour.

Yes, those kids exist and yes, those patterns exist. I never said it was every child or most children but I’ve seen it more than once, in multiple places, and I doubt I’m alone.

I also didn’t say I could read people’s minds or diagnose their background, I said there are situations where, over time and in public settings, it becomes apparent when a child is left to act out regularly with no adult follow-up. That’s what I’m talking about.

Ooh lovely. The behaviour management expert has arrived to tell us all how to do it!

I’ve got 15 years experience of working in and around children with behaviour that challenges, a degree and masters in Education, and top up qualifications in SENd. I specialised in social, emotional and mental health needs and worked for a long time with children in the care system or who had been excluded from school.

I’m de-escalation, restraint and behavioural communication trained.

I’ve also got an autistic 9 year old who sometimes presents us with behaviour that leaves me stumped, because children (people) and behaviour is complex and one size does not fit all.

But please do share your advice. All ears.

Children with additional needs don't walk around with a big medallion marking them out. Maybe they should take some Tylenol so you can see the difference.

The issue really is parents ignoring bad behaviour, not children having tantrums and being naughty, which they all do.

Also, any child can act up at any age. The 5y cut off is silly. Most of the badly behaved kids I see in cafes are under 5s. Parents sitting doing nothing.

One thing that isn't always mentioned on these threads is that ND children themselves can find the behaviour of badly behaved children distressing - the noise can be upsetting if they have sensory needs and autistic children whose parents have high expectations of their behaviour can be upset if they think that other children are breaking the rules.

Such a difficult topic as there's so many reasons why children act out. I do hate when children arnt properly supervised in play centres or activities though. I feel like things happen and kids misbehave but I hate having to search for parents when my son has been hurt or picked on.

So your thread was noting there are some people who, for various reasons, aren’t effective parents? Because that’s a bit of a no brainer.

Is it really though? I have 10 and 13 yo boys who don't do that and wouldn't be allowed to either. They're pretty average kids too. I've had a blanket no hitting policy their whole lives and I can't remember the last time they broke it - they know all devices would disappear in the blink of an eye for several days. I'm not from the UK originally and I'm always surprised at how passive /defeatest British parents are about behaviour and discipline. I have other foreign parent friends and sometimes we compare notes about it 😂

Do you understand that a child of 5 does not have impulse control? Do you understand that children have just started back at school and they’re tired. I think as the grown up you should have more compassion

Sure but it’s funny how often a “no brainer” becomes controversial the minute someone actually says it out loud. My post wasn’t an attack on all parents or children with additional needs (which I was careful to clarify). It was about the noticeable difference between kids who are supported with structure and boundaries, and those who are left to act out again and again while the adults tune out or shrug it off. That’s not “parenting is hard”, that’s a pattern and it’s not wrong to say it.

I’m sorry @ThatDeepGoose but your posts aren’t making sense. You’ve said you’re not talking about people you know, you’re referring to strangers, but you’ve also referred to repeated and consistent behaviour. How can you possibly know whether a strange kids behaviour is repeated or consistent? How can you know they have no boundaries? You’re observing a single instance which you can’t possibly extrapolate into a pattern of behaviour.

Are you perfect? Kids have off days. And parents have off days. Sometimes they happen at the same time.

I completely understand that five year olds are still developing impulse control and that tiredness, overstimulation or emotional overload can play a part, but I’m not talking about isolated moments. I’m talking about situations where certain behaviours are repeated over and over with no apparent guidance or response from the adults around them. That’s different from a tired child having a meltdown. I do think compassion matters but so does structure, especially when it comes to helping kids feel safe and supported in public spaces.

How do YOU know what is going on with that child ( and/ or their parent/s?) Job loss, poverty, hunger, depression, DV. Maybe the child hasn’t been diagnosed yet? Maybe the child has a chaotic home life? So many variables and you are judging based on a snapshot?

You have no idea what could be going on.

Neurodiversity - diagnosed or not, something awful happening at home, illness are just a few reasons I can think of for kids to play up. Sometimes you just catch them at a bad moment.

Unless this is a family you know well, and see regularly, let them get on with it.

When a child is having a full scale tantrum there is no point trying to talk to them, they're not able to listen or taken in any of your messaging. It's perfectly sensible to calmly wait until they've finished screaming, then address what happened and any consequences. It's also reasonable not to want to shower attention on poor behaviour, like having a tantrum. On the rare occasion that my child has a public tantrum, assuming we're in a public space like a supermarket, not at someone's wedding reception or I calmly wait nearby until she's finished screaming, then engage with her. I imagine you would regard this, in passing, as permissively ignoring it, but this approach has resulted in a very happy, generally extremely well behaved child, who almost never has tantrums.

Also re parents not responding to bad behaviour sometimes kids are looking for reaction and it’s best not to give it to them, sometimes you just need to get through the supermarket shop and you’ll deal with the bad behaviour when you’re home. Just because you don’t witness the parent dealing with it immediately doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

Kids running around in a pub garden? That's one of the points of a pub garden!

But I did have to intervene today as two kids were running a public tap contunously whilst a parent / carer stood meters away chatting. No apparent additional needs, they were just bored.

Last weekend, I was a sporting event when a mum clearly asked her 10/11 yo to carry something of his. He ignored her and she didn't follow up. I was astounded.

It is hard not to feel some parents cba to parent.

Kids and parents having off days is normal and not what I’m criticising. What I’m talking about is when you regularly see the same types of behaviours in public spaces, often accompanied by parents who are clearly disengaged, dismissive or even laughing it off. I’ve seen it enough times to notice patterns, not from a single tantrum but from a lack of boundaries or follow-up over time.

No, I’m not perfect and I’ve never claimed to be. But I don’t think that means we can’t talk honestly about what respectful parenting looks like or where we think things go wrong.

I’d never deny that things like poverty, DV or undiagnosed needs can impact children deeply. That said, this thread isn’t about snap judgements or blaming struggling families. It’s about the broader pattern where some parents consistently dismiss or ignore poor behaviour, not because they’re overwhelmed or unsupported but because they don’t seem to see guidance or boundaries as their responsibility.

I fully accept there are always unknowns in public. But that doesn’t mean we can never talk about parenting, standards or what we model for kids. Some of us were raised in homes where respect and structure existed despite hardship and it’s valid to reflect on that too.

But you don't know anything about these families.

You're just judging.

What is the purpose of this judging, why do you feel the need to do it?

But how would you know how frequent an occurrence it was? Why pay so much attention to strangers?

So you accept only some, like yourself, were raised in homes where respect and structure existed despite hardship and yet you think everyone should raise their children the way you do, despite the fact they may not have been raised in such a virtuous way themselves?

I'm sure you've done a good job. You don't have to look down on others who don't meet your parents' standards.

Oh God, this has reminded me of the time a 6 or 7 year old DD completely lost it in a restaurant. I ended up carrying and cuddling her in the car park and getting the MOST judgemental looks for 'allowing' her to misbehave.

What they didn't know, of course, was that DD is adopted, and her early years were characterised by severe neglect, including frequently not having enough food, to the point she stopped growing. Food was a huge trigger. She had gone into toddler survival mode, and needed comfort and reassurance.

But the onlookers saw a 6 or 7 year old throwing a tantrum and being 'indulged' with cuddles rather than being 'disciplined'.

A decade on DD hasn't had a meltdown in years, is relaxed about food, and is thriving. But that outing was certainly memorable - not because of what DD did, but because of the judgemental looks.

Another memorable moment was a neighbour thinking DD was being attacked by an intruder because her screams were so loud and went on so long. In fact, DD had thought her pork chop was smaller than her older sister's pork chop (it was the same size). Luckily our neighbour was lovely, and as well as coming to rescue DD then helped defuse the situation.

Happy days...