My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

Did you DP not help the kids make you cards

They are eight and ten! Assuming they have access to art materials, they should be perfectly capable of making cards without help. How hard is it to draw or paint a picture and write 'Happy Birthday Mummy love from Susie'?

Or in the case of the ten year old, going into a shop and buying a card.

You forget the rest of the story where she does this entire performance in front of her kids to shame them and then eats the single person cake while they have none and watch.

Expectations are extremely low for some of these MNers.

You have to agree though that your own parenting methods are not working though, your kids are not small kids and should know better by now, the fact that there are consequences to their behaviour clearly isn’t working on them…..well behaved kids behave when they are told to behave and that’s the end of it.

It’s a bit Roald Dahl isn’t it?! 😆

I mean I would have ignored my kids if they behaved like that- pop open wine and ordered food in and had a great birthday. Their behaviour may be a battle that needed to be dealt with but not today on your birthday! Feels a bit like self sabotage?’

Ah, I was talking about the OP experiencing a tiff between siblings as ruining her birthday, and literally cancelling her own birthday plans. The OP's partner's parenting choices subsequently escalated, rather than calmed, the situation, which culminated with the 10 year old throwing a jar.

@WallTree

im sorry but that doesn’t justify a ten year old throwing a glass jar. Way too old for that kind of thing.

Now you’re just making things up! They were told to calm down but it was after she started to throwing things we cancelled the plans. You may think lobbing glass objects is ok but it’s not in my book and doesn’t warrant a treat (which is what going to the pub would have been for them as they love it).

Do you really not see the parallels to your mother's behaviour in your own behaviour? You "demanding" an 8 and 10 year old not have a tiff because it's my birthday. They weren't thinking about it being your birthday when they had their sibling tiff, these things just happen. You are making their behaviour all about you.

Thanks for explaining. I appreciate it. That’s not gentle parenting though. At all. It’s permissive parenting. Maybe done by people who think they are gentle parenting but who don’t really understand it.

I like a lot of the gentle parenting philosophy, although I’m not a ‘purist’ and don’t think it’s the only way. As an example, gentle parenting absolutely advocates removing children from situations where they are hitting out or otherwise impinging on others. Every time without fail. If they can’t manage themselves to be in that situation, then they are removed from that situation as a logical consequence. That’s actually one of the commonest examples I’ve come across. It’s very strong on boundaries, clear expectations and children knowing where they stand. However, it doesn’t advocate things like raised voices, smacking, time outs, punishments and unrelated consequences.

It’s definitely working for my children, as it’s teaching them the tools for emotional maturity and self-regulation and to understand the impact of their actions on others to promote better choices. I’ve seen the fruits of it in their behaviour at nursery and school and their ability to reflect on their behaviour and to repair after mistakes. Often unprompted. Likewise, mine aren’t perfect and have their moments but I do feel it’s helping. It also gives me a lot of tools to try and remain firm and consistent but empathetic. It’s not perfect and I don’t have a crystal ball so can’t say if it will continue to work forever and if it doesn’t I’ll think again.

The stereotype of parents looking on indulgently and ineffectually calling out “gentle hands, darling” is just that, a stereotype and an inaccuracy!

Your partner suggested you head off today and spoil yourself…. Anything planned aside from mumsnet?

They weren't having a sibling tiff at her, nobody did anything to her. Siblings have tiffs sometimes, and this kind of melodramatic reframing of this as somehow directed towards the mother is emotionally manipulative.

If my 10 year old threw a glass vase I’d be bloody worried and today googling local child therapists!

The OP said that in the post I quoted. HTH

@WallTree

whats wrong with expecting your kids to knock it off and behave decently on their mam’s birthday?
and if it can’t all be about OP on her birthday then when can it be??

@Broccolitime

hopefully she’s laying in a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine having an idle scroll on mumsnet!

Eh? I wouldn't see my primary-aged kids having a tiff with each other on my birthday as directed at me at all. We would have just gotten on with our happy birthday plans in my house. To be fair, I do have far higher expectations than the OP when it comes to my birthday - my family go all out for birthdays - presents, cards, flowers, a fancy meal out. We love birthdays in our house. We also don't let a sibling tiff "ruin" our celebrations - we're a happy bunch!

I somehow don’t think so

First of all, happy belated birthday. I hope today is a better day for everyone.

I must admit, I’m surprised by some of the comments on this thread. A number of people have minimised the children’s behaviour, referring to it as a tiff or saying it’s normal for siblings, or excusing it by suggesting the children were tired after a week at school. I completely disagree with that. It sounds as though this was much more than bickering between sisters. Screaming, slapping, slamming doors, throwing things? That is unacceptable behaviour for children of these ages. The fact that they behaved in a similar way on Mother’s Day suggests that they aren’t prepared to celebrate if the attention is on someone else (specifically their mother).

These children are certainly old enough not to throw toddler style tantrums, simply because they aren’t the centre of attention. Several people asked whether the children are usually well behaved because their wishes are constantly catered to, and I think that’s worth examining.

Other PPs have said that children should always come first, but I disagree with that as well. In this situation, it’s fine for them to put someone else first. I think they should have been encouraged to make a birthday card, maybe a gift of some sort. And certainly behave much better.

I’m not a fan of punishments in general, but I see nothing wrong with separating the girls and giving them a chance to calm down. Their continued screaming and throwing things would make me think they needed that time alone, though I wouldn’t ignore their actions (not saying you did). And I would have a serious discussion with them today. The fact that one child has written a note of apology is a positive outcome IMO.

😬

Yes. You??

Tiff?? If that’s considered a “tiff”’ in your house I dread to imagine what a bad day looks like.

How could they be grandchildren given that OP is only 43! 😆

😂😂 you speak with so much authority as if you were in the room. Except you weren’t and you’re talking crap. They didn’t do anything to me? How do you know what was said, exactly what they did?? You seem very invested in trying to paint me as a terrible mother for disciplining my kids and being pissed off.

I would much prefer my kids know exactly what is unacceptable, what harm it does and the consequences than going out in the world thinking throwing things and hitting people is considered a “tiff” and rewarded with a trip out.

No, you need to practice your reading comprehension.