My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

‘It’s like that Christmas advert from a few years ago when the mum does all the shopping and cooking and her shitty family don’t even let her have a proper chair at the table.’

omg that advert! And she smiles indulgently about it too 😠 gives me the absolute rage!

Urgh..creepy!… where are you hiding?? Beside the toilet??

"But the girls are old enough and intelligent enough to handle one drink in the pub without this being a deeply disturbing event."

I know OP. Some posters on MN are obsessed with routine for children. How in god's name will they ever cope with adulthood or enjoy spontaneity if everything has to be planned like a military operation six weeks in advance. Besides, life doesn't always go according to plan and children need to learn to fit in with others.

I don't really understand how this escalated to there tbh.

Kids are inherently selfish. They react on impulse so won't have even thought about the fact it's your birthday if an argument started. It doesn't make them 'bad kids'.

I don't know why you wouldn't just tell them to pack it in and carry on with your plans. The only person getting a punishment here is you - they won't give a shit in an hour or so but you will be resentful all weekend.

All seems a bit dramatic

Not really…. Got Covid and parked In front of TV

What’s the atmosphere like today op?

Guess we will never know where this place is that’s an hour away from nearest takeaway!

Who is responsible for the majority of childcare, OP? You mentioned you're the main breadwinner - is your so-called DP a sahd or does he work part time and 'parent' the rest?

His suggestion that you go out and spoil yourself is pathetic. He should have planned something for you, not left it to you to figure something out.

I'd take him aside and tell him he needs to up his game for all the gift occasions from now on. And if he's the primary caregiver of the children, he needs to start doing a better job of parenting. Children are not 'inherently selfish' - not at 8 and 10. Children that age would have been very excited to plan a nice surprise for mum with their father, if he had considered it important.

@Broccolitime

why are you so interested in this?? It’s the second time you’ve asked her. Do you expect OP to be all jovial and diffuse any bad atmosphere? She doesn’t have to be. It’s perfectly ok for her to be disappointed in her children for yesterday’s bad behaviour and for her to express that today. She doesn’t have to put on a big, papering over the cracks smile just to make the atmosphere nicer for everyone else.

And why @Broccolitime do you want to know where I live?? You’ve made a couple of really creepy comments today…

@Holler very interesting.
I would be much much closer to gentle parenting than I realised!
The biggest thing for me was "follow through".
I never made an idle threat.
I followed through.
If behaviour was stopped and corrected, their would be consequences and I always followed through.
Usually technology/tv being denied. It worked.
I only ever had to remove my very young children once each, from where they were, for them to believe me when I said something. Easy lessons, but important.
Being considerate of me was another important early lesson.
Children learn to be considerate of others through their parents first.

I don’t in the slightest expect the op to do anything

all sounds a bit depressing tbh!

I don’t give a hoot where you live per se 🤭

but I’m curious what arse end of nowhere haunt is an hour away from a takeaway in the UK!

My partner (their dad for the person who asked) is having toast in front of a crap film.

what a catch

There are lots of rural areas that don't have takeaways that deliver - you have to go and collect. An hour on country lanes isn't that unusual, really.

You're deliberately (I think) misunderstanding my position. They didn't have their initial spat "at you", did they? You described it as the two siblings fighting.

Your parenting choices escalated things to a bad point - you must admit, it was ineffective at best.

This simply wouldn't have happened in my house. We would have stopped the bad behaviour, spoken about it, had a round of apologies from the kids to each other and then moved on with our evening.

Kids will have arguments with each other, it's not all about you.

To be crystal clear, I am describing your children's initial spat as a tiff. Not the subsequent behaviour (which could obviously have been avoided with different parenting choices).

You are aware that we can see your post where you said "shit on", right?

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them.
Sounds like you have them as the centre of your universe! Only going to end up with spoilt brats.
Time to let them rumble along with life that isn't all about them.

This is great idea. Let DC know that you and their dad will be celebrating without them.
Also tell DC that if they continue to ruin family celebrations then neither of them are having a special birthday celebration for their next birthday and stick to it. Don’t mean no presents/cards just no parties. You really need to sort their behaviour now, otherwise they will be nightmares when they are teenagers.

Your parenting style has made them behave this way, and now you are moaning.
Book some parenting lessons so next year is a better experience.

If you want your birthday to be about you. Then do so. Arrange what ever you want without them. They are a little old for temper tantrums but they will mature. Take control you are the adult.

Next time make clear plans. Do you think the uncertainty of the evening has contributed the behaviour escalation? Similar to mother's day possibly? You feel disappointed which means you obviously do want to celebrate your birthday. Plan it next time, tell the kids in advance, see if it goes smoother. X

Very interesting about Tiktok.
A lot of kids seem to be getting their social cues and ideas from rubbish like Tiktok and Snapchat.

So they can get the kudos from friends about breaking rules and behaving anti socially and badly especially towards their parents.

I saw this with a good friend's children not long ago. She was horrified at first as her kids were in no way perfect but were usually happy.

Then when he school got in touch with her. She realised where all the nonsense had come from.

She put her foot down good and proper.
And the kids soon came round.

I would sit them down individually tomorrow morning and ask them what nice things you do for them on their birthdays.

I'd then ask them to have a think about what made your birthday special and what might have made it not special.

I'd spell it out to them that their behaviour meant you missed out on something that you were looking forward to.

I'd ask them.to think up something nice that they can do to make the day after your birthday special instead. I could be giving you a foot rub, going to the shop with Daddy to buy you something nice, a picture they've drawn for you.

I'd also set expectations of behaviour and how to treat you on special days the day before the special day comes along.

I wish I was a wet blanket. I'm a mother of 3 children with SEN needs and neuordiversity and i'd say Im one of those who parent on the extreme scale. As in my husband and I are already planning on how we do Christmas at home alone without the violent meltdowns that preceded other years. I've had to spend the last 10 years deep diving into every type of book, style, support groups, courses, just to somehow stay married, keep our family together. Being able to disregard your own parenting style is a privilege.