My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

My kids are teens and I always make it clear to them that I expect them to think up something nice for them to do for me. It doesn't have to cost anything, it can be a picture or something nice words about why they live me in a card.

It's the thought that counts!

Your whole problem was the high expectations placed on the evening.

If they had argued on a normal night you probably wouldn’t have noticed but on this special night it felt doubly bad.

You feel resentful and unhappy because what should have been amazing became disastrous. You were cheated of what you were owed. You are now unable to let it go but have to double down on your grief.

Kids argue. Sadly they don’t become thoughtful and considerate until they are a lot older. You are wasting time ruining your own birthday by being resentful about this. Let it go and make the best of things in whatever way works for you.

They probably picked up on the pressure too, which led to the arguing in the first place.

Low expectations are the secret of happiness.

I’m not sure how much lower my expectations could be than asking them to get a jumper without attacking each other and wanting to go for one quick drink in the local pub after work.

…me? No, I didn’t say me.

@WallTree 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

You wanted payback for “everything you’ve done for them”. We’ve all had that feeling but it just raises the stakes.

They are 8 and 10. Of course they have no consideration for you. Why should they? Of course they should behave properly, and be nice and yadda yadda, but they are also kids, who don’t have the maturity to stop and think “oh mum won’t like that.”

It feels worse because it’s your birthday, but don’t pretend they’ve never done this at any other time. If my daughter kicks off and it’s a special day, we largely just ignore it and carry on. The parenting part of trying to make sure they know how to behave correctly doesn’t need to be done in that moment. You chose to make everyone miserable because it was your birthday. You could have chosen just to let the kids be annoyed at each other and had a lovely meal.

Set higher expectations for your birthday and mothers day. You set the tone for how you're treated. All your hard work goes to them but remember to put your own oxygen mask on first. Don't be a martyr to mothering. Get a babysitter and go out with you DP. Don't include them in everything. Does he get birthday and father's Day treats?

No, I wanted them to get their jumpers.

Oh give us mums one day to be all about us.

You do realise that your kids are going to argue sometimes, right? And that there'll always be a, "I should be able to expect them to get a jumper/walk to the car/watch a movie without a tiff". Did you never - in your entire childhood - have an argument with your sibling? And let's say you did, at age 8: were you thinking, "I wonder how this fight I am having with my sibling is impacting on Mum"?

I mean, you could try not to live your life as a martyr and see how you get on. "One day that's all about us mums" - eep! Lots of my life and family life is about me - I'm a member of the family! Maybe then you wouldn't be setting everyone up for failure by expecting perfect behaviour on your one special day!

But how do they actually learn consideration, respect and thinking about others if you don’t show them at an age appropriate point?

It is a very white western society thing for kids to be so free of expectations. Of places I have lived:

Japan - they would be really horrified by this sort of behaviour, kids are given emotional and practical responsibility from a very young age. Being considerate and socially responsive is probably the most important lesson you can impart to your kid.

The German speaking parts of Austria and Switzerland were similar.

Anyway I hope your birthday weekend turned out OK in the end OP.

She needs to spell out what she expects rather than expecting them to know, and singing happy birthday to herself when they fall short. I don’t understand how the DP gets off Scot free

You can’t teach the whole lesson in one day, when tempers are already frayed.

You teach the lesson over years of both modelling and encouraging good behaviour, and pointing out lapses.

Little is learnt in showdowns.

Who sang happy birthday to themselves??!

You’re coming across as obsessed by my post…

I would be annoyed, and children that age should know better, but I also think they aren't emotional mature enough to consider the implications of their actions.

Sounds lovely. Your teens doing something for your birthday because mum has basically threatened them 😆

Did the glass vase smash? Was she aiming it at someone or just the wall?

Either way, it’s very concerning behaviour. I would have prob completely forgotten it was my birthday if my tween had done this, and instead now be very bloody concerned what this completely extreme behaviour indicates and what I need to do about it

Good one, OP! You post a Mumsnet thread and then when people respond and engage, they're obsessed with your post. Am really seeing a pattern in your thinking here...

^

My sibling was like this, struggled on days that weren’t about them and picked up on pressures and expectations. Even did it on my parents wedding day! They have a good relationship still, as kids can be short sighted/impulsive and selfish - sometimes a part of normal development! Otherwise she was a lovely and generally ok behaved child.

now working with kids, I see this a lot as well. The pressure can get to them. They find it hard to be invested if there is no ‘direct’ benefit. Empathy develops at different stages. Struggle to take perspective etc etc.

it doesn’t mean you can’t be annoyed or upset, but if they are generally good, plan another nice day for yourself and let them have a natural consequence or punishment for their behaviour!

I don’t know, she just wanted a bit of a moan about her birthday and you’re giving her a pretty hard time.

Where I live for a start 🙄

I know- some people seem to have nothing better to do than troll people on MN 🙄

Appreciating the Archer’s themed name by the way!