My children have ruined my birthday.

[Fluffalumpper]

It’s my birthday today. I’m 43 so they obviously don’t mean much to me anymore. I hadn’t really given it much thought, I hadn’t asked for anything (I never do) and didn’t expect anything special because we never really celebrate it.

My partner bought me a couple of nice gifts and the children (DD10 and Dd8) were excited. Nothing had been planned and we had nothing in for dinner but had floated ideas of having a drink in the pub after work and picking up something nice for dinner.

We were just about to go to the pub when cue my lovely children starting a huge screaming fight involving slapping each other, slamming doors and hurling abuse.

They’re both bright, happy kids and usually fairly well behaved with the odd hiccup but have recently started having these screaming matches when told to do something (like get ready to go out).

Now, like most parents I imagine, my whole life is focused on these kids. I’m constantly looking for experiences to enrich their lives, all my money goes in to them. I’m the bread winner so I book, plan and pay for all the holidays, birthday parties,clubs, gifts etc. Not that we spoil them but the long hours I work and worries I have are for these kids.

Is it too much to ask that they don’t behave like this on my birthday? I’m pretty sure that at 8 I was self aware enough to know this isn’t right.

We cancelled the trip to the pub, they were sent to their rooms except for a short break for a quick dinner and then sent to bed. The screaming and wailing and even shouts of “this is my worst day ever!” lasted over 2 hours. They feel so sorry for themselves and had to be told off multiple times by my partner.

I’ve had nothing for dinner and have taken myself to bed.

I don’t need advice about my parenting- they’re usually pretty well behaved and their behaviour tonight was exceptionally bad, but am I right to feel a bit sorry for myself and unappreciated?

For context they acted similarly on Mother’s Day 🤦🏻‍♀️

On the fence with this one. They did behave badly considering their ages, but on the other hand, after a long week of school and work, I don't think family pub & restaurant trip on a Friday was the best idea! I would have opted for a babysitter; or one of those nice three course meal kits you can order online from restaurants (and stuck the kids in front of a film so we could eat it in peace!). That would have been more pleasent for everyone!

I know your birthdays don't mean much to you any more, but I recommend teaching them how to celebrate you a bit on the day anyway.

Not in a self important way, just to teach them that sometimes we set ourselves aside a bit to make something special for people who matter to you way.

It’s less of a self worth thing and more of a response to how my mother behaved. She demanded 110% for birthdays from planning big events and holidays to extravagant gifts which she was never satisfied with. It caused me a lot of anxiety and dread when the date came around.

That being said I do expect my kids to at least not kick the crap out of each and (1 of them) trash their rooms on my birthday. I don’t need extravagant gestures but some consideration from kids I know are capable of it is expected.

I'm honestly really surprised by answers like this.

They are 8 and 10 years old. One of them is almost secondary aged. Of course they can cope with a family meal/trip out after school on a Friday night without throwing a tantrum, hitting each other and smashing things.

OP should be able to go out for a meal with her family on her birthday, not have to resort to cooking some mail delivery dinner in front of the TV.

It was 5.30! They’d been given snacks after school and it was way before their dinner time.

They were looking forward to a single drink at the pub (a very rare treat) and we’re not being forced to go. They would have eaten straight after.

And no, we don’t set Dickensian living standards in our home. I have never told them to write apology letters irrespective of their behaviour. Despite the crappy behaviour last night my 8 year old is very empathetic.

Finally, I did not “starve” myself. The kids were in bed and had no idea that I didn’t eat.

A very exaggerated take on things!

Agreed. My DM used to throw strops like this and it was just embarrassing. I get the kids have misbehaved but starving yourself to make a point is a bit pathetic.

@NimbleDreamer

there wasnt much food in the house, they were supposed to be going out for dinner. It wasn’t an attack on the kids, not everything is about the kids.

That combination has led you to a point where the barest of bare minimums now feels like a big win. You deserve FAR more than "not actively violent". You should be celebrated and loved and appreciated.

Set out your expectations now and don't accept such miserly, mean and selfish behaviour in future. The children are old enough to understand and their father is certainly able to get his act together and make sure it happens.

I wish you a very happy belated birthday and that you have soft restful sleep and calm days ahead.

Totally this ! You deserve more OP

Where did OP say that??

Imo you are being completely unreasonable. OP did not have unreasonably high expectations but her children behaved badly (fair enough if they stopped when told) and carried on behaving badly for two hours. If you think it’s "self-centred" to expect an 8 and 10-year-old (presumably with no SN) to have enough self-control to not be selfish enough to do that and spoil someone else's very low-key birthday celebration, your own expectations of your children’s behaviour must be rock-bottom and you must behave like a doormat.

@Charredtea

umm because it was only 5.30pm?! OP said that is way before their usual dinner time and that they’d also had snacks so their blood sugar will have been just fine. They’re not toddlers.

I reckon you’ll be mentioning this birthday to your kids and partner for many many years OP.

ah, the warm glow of the gift of martyrdom

I know right!

sounds like you also deserve more @WallTree
don’t buy into the misogynistic trope that women are just here to serve others and cannot expect anything from others.

An hour away from your closest takeaway?

you must live in the arse end of nowhere

@Broccolitime

i hope she does! Well at least until her kids have properly got the message that it wasn’t ok how they behaved and that their mothers birthday matters.

If it happens again don’t go to bed early, YOU’RE NOT THE ONE TO BE PUNISHED!

takeaway, bottle of wine and muttering under your breath to your partner that the kids are cunts

this was how I got through my 40’s 😂

They’ll be teens / young adults / adults and no doubt thinking “bloody hell yet another of mum’s bitter grudges that she throws at us”

It was an entirely self imposed action to go to bed early

What’s the mood like today OP? Cut the tension being a knife?

Where in the Uk is an hour away from a takeaway? Genuine question!

My partner’s suggested I go somewhere by myself to get a break.

but instead decided to mumsnet?

Me too, they aren’t babies.
I’d be concerned if an 8 and 10 year old couldn’t cope with going out after school. My 10 year old goes to football matches on a school night!

@Broccolitime

do you really think it’ll take the kids that long to recognise that their behaviour was out order and that their mother is important?? I sure hope not! I’m sure they’re quicker learners than that 😀 but if not, OP does need to persevere until they get it - they’ll be much nicer people for it!

@Broccolitime

hopefully the kids are feeling remorseful and the OP is in town either on her own or with mates getting pissed on cocktails!

8 and 10? They’ll have forgotten yesterday and wondering what’s for tea, if they can watch Netflix, if their friend is around for a kick about.

Do you have children @Cherrytree86 ?