I have gone NC with PIL and feel great. DP is sad.

[amispeakingintongues]

NC with them for last 7 months, and have felt huge relief. I don’t let them in my house anymore, at least while I am here. Kids are welcome to see them whenever but I don’t trust PIL to look after them unattended because;

FIL shouted at me/ us in his house over the fact I gently reminded my own children (ages 1 and 3) to be careful of the boiling hot cup of tea stupidly placed by MIL on a side table right behind them. He heard me say this, then spat out “No what (dc) needs to do is go next door to get his snack)”. I was taken aback by this blatant undermining but ignored it as he’d already been rude to me over something else and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of a response. 30 secs later, my partner walked in, saw the hot tea. Without a thought, he moved it immediately and the unhinged outburst from FIL went something like “NO DON’T MOVE MY TEA. YOU DON’T CHANGE EVERYTHING YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS THEY MUST BE TAUGHT TO AVOID THINGS” (again, kids are 1 and 3) to which I managed to reply, whilst stunned “They are my children and they are so little, if I see something dangerous I will protect them” - and he replied “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN WHEN I’VE HAD X5/6/7” (he’s estranged from half his kids all with different mothers so)
… afterwards I just found the car keys and politely asked MIL (who heard all of this and didn’t say a thing) to let me out the house. I sat in the car and burst into flames (and tears). Never seen them since.

Some context: They felt (their own words) that I wasn’t good enough for their DS when we met over 10 years ago. Since then their opinion according to my DP has changed, and they apparently think i’m a good mum to their grandkids etc but never once have they said anything positive about me to my face about my character or anything that made me feel genuinely liked and respected, rather than tolerated. Even though I have bent over backwards in my people pleasing ways cooking, hosting, long heart to hearts with MIL, taking her out on lunches, taking the kids to see them etc, there has always been an undercurrent of disdain towards me. Which has worn me down in more ways than i can explain in one post.

Anyway. My DP is getting pressure from them to nip this all in the bud whilst maintaining they absolutely will not apologise to me. And that somehow, I am in the wrong. DP disagrees with them but that doesn’t change much because they are withholding attention/love/affection which is upsetting him. This master manipulation is no surprise but my DP is not well attuned for seeing this for what it is. DP wants me to put it all behind me for his sake, just so they can come to the house. I don’t want to not uphold my new found boundary but also don’t want DP feeling upset. I know i’m not being petty, just feeling like I don’t know what’s best in the long run.

Who owns your home? If it is joint owned with your DP then I can see that its a bit unfair to not allow his parents to visit him in his home. I assume at the moment DP takes the children to see PIL . Trouble eith that approach is that you have no oversight of what is said in front of the children while they are visiting. Could you try just having MIL round to see if on her own she would be reasonable.

Stand your ground.

I have similar issues with my in laws so I do understand.

The problem you have with allowing the kids to see them without you there is that they will behave how they want with just your husband present. If he's anything like my husband, he won't see their flaws at all and will allow unpleasantness to take place without pulling them up on it.

I dislike my in laws immensely, but whenever they see the kids I make sure I am there as I can't rely on my husband to call them out on bad behaviour as needed. I tolerate them with the knowledge they won't be around forever and facilitate as good as a relationship as I can manage whilst being neutral and distant.

This isn’t popular on MN, but it’s the route I went down and worked out beautifully. They won’t apologise to you? Then they don’t get to see your kids.

No sane person would let someone disrespecting and undermining have access to her kids, because they’ll still just do it when, as a PP pointed out, you’re not there to stop it.

If they say it’s sooooo unfair and you’re a big meanie and they can’t live without seeing your kids, then a simple “we’re sorry” isn’t much of an ask, is it?

As per though, your issue is your DH. I never had to fight mine on this point.

It’s so shit having crap ILs, but the issue (and solution) is boundaries. Your DH and his parents have none, so yours will have to be super strong.

That’s crazy. You cannot tell them they can’t come to the house you share (I assume) with your DP.

I’m not saying you’re wrong not to speak to them but your post is full of hyperbole. Isn’t there a middle ground where you are polite, distant & just engage for the sake of your DP / kids?

Surely they are DP’s kids too?

Apologising or not should have nothing to do with seeing the DC, that’s massively immature.

I agree with PP. I don’t trust or like my in laws but I sure as hell will be around then if they are around my children, to supervise!!! I don’t want them doing or saying as they please when I’m not there. It’s damaging for my kids

And when they get burned or injured all these people advocating for you to let the in-laws walk all over you will castigate and berate you for putting your children in a dangerous situation because "you knew what they were like and you let them see them anyway what did you THINK was going to happen"

Stand your ground show your dp pictures of what a scald can do to a child and ask him can he live with that on his conscience

What decent man can honestly let someone disrespect the mother of his children and still play happy families with the grandparents? That’s not how the partnership works.

And, you’re right, it’s not just about an apology to the OP. It’s an apology and proven commitment to not being such dicks to her going forward. If they can’t be like civil people, why WHY would you put a kid into their orbit?!

That.

Your home is your husband's home too, and if he wants to invite them he absolutely has a right to. It's up to you to go out on those occasions if you feel so strongly.

Their behaviour wasn't great, but you sound very dramatic.
I don't believe that anyone should shun their parents because their spouse says they should. And compared to many people's issues with parents/in law's, this incident is pretty small fry.

These threads always reveal who has experience with batshit in laws and who doesn’t.

You do sound a bit petty and childish. First I'd have removed the tea, they are too young just to be told to be careful. Then I'd have said a 1 year old is too young to know to avoid tea and the 3 year old is still learning. Response to having raised kids themselves is then you know it's not safe at that age.

Your children will soon grow and benefit from having more people in their lives.

Don’t see them again. They just want you to skivvy and cook and host them again. Don’t fall for it, you’ve managed to escape them. If you let them in once, that’s it.

Amen.

And you absolutely can stop them from being in your house. They can see their son (or grandkids if you want) in literally any other building in this entire world, but your sanctuary? Nah.

I have much experience of toxic lunatic ILs (a lot worse than OP’s drama).

Even still, while I was married, I did my best to remain courteous & facilitate a relationship with my DC.

I happen to think escalating things is unhelpful. All round.

But the grown ass man shouting at OP and tiny kids wasn’t petty and childish?

Genuinely, what are you on?

@MauriceTheMussel

’your sanctuary’. Come on.

Unless I’ve misread, I assume DP is the father of these children & also lives in this ‘sanctuary’. Of course he should get a say.

I hear you.

The OP’s been dealing with this for 10 years and it ain’t improving. Straw. Camel. Rubicon.

The DH wants the OP to “put it behind her” for his sake. Well, I wager she’s already been doing that for 10 years whilst he lets himself and his nuclear family get bullied.

The MILs are out in force. OP, I’d keep a note that most people on AIBU are 55+, so take these responses with a pinch of salt.

I had a batshit mother. I'm very grateful to my late husband for not blowing things up, and instead, helping me manage the relationship. Over several decades, together we were able to manage visits with agreed boundaries and calmness.

I just don’t think he can possibly thinking straight. He’s basically Stockholm’d by his parents. Just because he’s the OP’s kids’ father doesn’t mean he is well placed to make a call on all matters. His judgment is clouded.

What??? Bizarre reply. Where’s your evidence for MILs being here or the age profile being > 55?

Great post, fair play to your DH. (And you).

I’m sorry you had a difficult experience. However, your method isn’t universal. My DH (and his siblings) thank me for seeing the circus, sticking my neck out and putting my foot down, and they all followed suit having found the courage after decades of narcissism. It’s not a one size fits all.

perhaps the difference was maybe your father was more reasonable? We were dealing with two highly irrational nutjobs. The only response was nuclear. No room for reason.

OP, a great book for your DH is Susan Forward’s “Toxic Parents” and its sister book “Toxic In-Laws” for you. When my DH read the former, his reaction was “I identify with so much in here, but what I don’t understand is how I grieve it?”…which might help on the point re your DH being “sad”.

So let them visit dp at your home. No law says you or dc need to be home.
Tell dp they need to know your dc's safety is more important than their feelings.