I have gone NC with PIL and feel great. DP is sad.

[amispeakingintongues]

NC with them for last 7 months, and have felt huge relief. I don’t let them in my house anymore, at least while I am here. Kids are welcome to see them whenever but I don’t trust PIL to look after them unattended because;

FIL shouted at me/ us in his house over the fact I gently reminded my own children (ages 1 and 3) to be careful of the boiling hot cup of tea stupidly placed by MIL on a side table right behind them. He heard me say this, then spat out “No what (dc) needs to do is go next door to get his snack)”. I was taken aback by this blatant undermining but ignored it as he’d already been rude to me over something else and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of a response. 30 secs later, my partner walked in, saw the hot tea. Without a thought, he moved it immediately and the unhinged outburst from FIL went something like “NO DON’T MOVE MY TEA. YOU DON’T CHANGE EVERYTHING YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS THEY MUST BE TAUGHT TO AVOID THINGS” (again, kids are 1 and 3) to which I managed to reply, whilst stunned “They are my children and they are so little, if I see something dangerous I will protect them” - and he replied “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN WHEN I’VE HAD X5/6/7” (he’s estranged from half his kids all with different mothers so)
… afterwards I just found the car keys and politely asked MIL (who heard all of this and didn’t say a thing) to let me out the house. I sat in the car and burst into flames (and tears). Never seen them since.

Some context: They felt (their own words) that I wasn’t good enough for their DS when we met over 10 years ago. Since then their opinion according to my DP has changed, and they apparently think i’m a good mum to their grandkids etc but never once have they said anything positive about me to my face about my character or anything that made me feel genuinely liked and respected, rather than tolerated. Even though I have bent over backwards in my people pleasing ways cooking, hosting, long heart to hearts with MIL, taking her out on lunches, taking the kids to see them etc, there has always been an undercurrent of disdain towards me. Which has worn me down in more ways than i can explain in one post.

Anyway. My DP is getting pressure from them to nip this all in the bud whilst maintaining they absolutely will not apologise to me. And that somehow, I am in the wrong. DP disagrees with them but that doesn’t change much because they are withholding attention/love/affection which is upsetting him. This master manipulation is no surprise but my DP is not well attuned for seeing this for what it is. DP wants me to put it all behind me for his sake, just so they can come to the house. I don’t want to not uphold my new found boundary but also don’t want DP feeling upset. I know i’m not being petty, just feeling like I don’t know what’s best in the long run.

Yes I have a friend in her 60’s with a massive, disfiguring, burn scar all over her chest and shoulder from having pulled a hot cup of coffee onto herself as an infant. The damage can be both severe and extensive as the surface area is so tiny at that age.

I new my PILs before I dated their only son and all good. But when we started dating MIL changed. I was excluded from everything, she would joke & chat with him when he rang me (this was the days of landlines so he couldn’t just walk away) I believe to let me know ‘she was there’, tried to control everything, snarky comments (many behind my back, but some I heard) Came to a head with wedding plans when she tried to take over - long story, but she then rang us day before wedding and ranted down phone threatening not to attend. On wedding day, even our vicar said to me -outside church with me in tears - if you don’t walk down the aisle, she has won. NC with MIL after that (DH refused to talk to her too) and FIL too under her thumb to intervene. After 2 years I decided to to visit, so different - as I was in control. She is still self opinionated but i ignore her- I was lucky DH stood with me and didn’t waiver til I was ready - that makes so much difference. Stand your ground, you don’t need toxic people around you until you are ready and in control. Live your life

To be honest his family sound trashy and chavvy, I wouldn’t want anything to do with them either. Just the fact half of his biological children are estranged, speaks volumes. Adults don’t cut their parents off over nothing, and the idiots trying to guilt trip you here should be ignored. Is OP really being a sensitive snowflake when half of this Neanderthal’s children have come to the same conclusion too?

But 1) there were a lot of other incidents that the OP has spoken about and

2. keeping a 1 year old out of the way of a man who thinks it's fine to have a boiling hot cup of tea nearby -is- keeping keeping the child out of harm's way.

You keep saying you've had a bad experience with your SiL who gives a highly deceptive picture of events. But that doesn't mean that everyone does and at this point, you're actively ignoring reported actions such as major shouting around small children and dangerous levels of inattentiveness around hot drinks.

With respect (and I dont mean that in the american sense, I've seen you post elsewhere) I think you need to keep in mind that we never entirely know what's gone on unless we're there, but your experience with your SiL is quite possibly leading you to be very unfair to this particular person who is posting.

You seem a little fixated on getting an apology. A forced apology is unlikely to be genuine so why demand it. You also talk in rather a dramatic way about your efforts in getting them to like you, why bother.
I would suggest distant politeness might work best in this situation, avoiding them where possible without the drama of going nc.

Agree 100pc with this.
Sometimes we have to be the bigger person for the sake of family harmony.
I talk from experience

Isn't it a bit OTT to ban your husbands parents from the house over an argument about a cup of tea?!

Well done OP. Far too often we are taught that because some people are family, then we have to accept whatever crap they dish out, because 'that is just the way they are' or 'they have always been like that' or that 'you have to be the bigger person' or 'let's not cause an issue' etc etc etc.

It is just a toxic way of enabling people to behave in a toxic manner. All that happens is that you end up tiptoeing around these people or holding resentment. That is not the foundations for a genuine loving relationship.

Well done for putting your children first. There is no excuse for your PILs to shout at you or your kids or undermine you.

Yes, it may have been a cup of tea incident - but I am willing to bet that this is not unusual behaviour or the first time it has happened.

You don't have to go full-on no contact with them, but your DH can tell them calmly that you understand that they have different parenting styles and you respect that but you and your family will not respond to shouting. After all, in the workplace shouting would be unacceptable and so it should be in the home.

So your FIL blew up over moving a cup of tea? And they don't like you very much? Is that it??? I mean, it just sounds like difficult/strained relationship with PIL - fine to minimise contact to reduce the annoyance of it, but nothing that demands huge levels of drama. I first misread your post that your FIL demanded your child go into next room for a smack - and I thought Oh dear, yes, NC sounds the right thing to do. But he actually said your DC needs to go next door for his snack? I think this is small silly stuff, that you have turned into big massive stuff - the NC is the thing that will damage your relationship with your husband and the relationship between your kids and their grandparents. It's an over reaction to an annoying, old-fashioned, un-self aware grandad who sounds emotionally incontinent - yes irritating but hardly the worst thing in the world. You can tell him not to shout and that he should butt out of your parenting style (or get your DH to tell him) but no need for NC. I'm someone who had a tricky relationship with MIL when my kids were very young - I did reduce my contact with her (helped by moving further away and now early teen kids getting older) but would never have dreamed of going NC. I don't mind seeing her now as it's limited but perfectly civil.

I think some of us are pointing out they need to apologise as a barometer. If the guy can’t say sorry for shouting and making someone cry, what chance has he (or the MIL) got of greater things ie not being a dick in the future and treating the mother of their grandchildren with a speck of respect

YANBU
But also your DP needs counselling/therapy to learn how his parents are actually manipulating him etc….
Atm he is too much in the FOG and will push YOU to make amen (because it’s easier. You’re not going to withdraw your love, guilt trip him etc….)

Have you seen the damage a cup of tea can do to a 1 and a 3yo??

Its not just a cup of tea.
It’s putting two very young g children at serious risk of harm. And then thinking shouting/screaming is the way to get your point across and get what you want.

Hold your boundary!

I’m not sure it has anything to do with a cup of tea. Surely it is about FIL trying to exert control over his family.

There are extremely many elderly women on here 55 plus.....many of them reveal age in their posts , for whatever reason

Agreed.

I was expecting something far more dramatic.

Can you imagine, can you even begin to imagine, suggesting that a woman continue a relationship with a boyfriend who had shouted at her like FIL shouted at her? Or stay in a job where a boss spoke to her like that? Or even remain friends with another woman who behaved like FIL did towards her?

I've never seen that happen on here.

In this country marital rape is illegal, but marital abuse from in-laws seems to be tolerated.

They also show that a one-sided version of events wins the day!

Exactly, you never know what's going on, which it why I think it's deeply irresponsible for all these people who don't know what is going on and have only heard one side of the story to be egging the OP on like this. Because I've seen the damage it does when a narcissistic DIL decides to undermine the relationship between her husband/children and her in laws for no good reason.

Bloody ridiculous.

Apart from one thread where the OP who was complaining about her sister and was told by 99% of posters that she was being unreasonable, sent her sister the very few posts that agreed with her, prompting her sister to find the thread and provide her own version of events, we only ever hear a one-sided version of events. It's not a court of law where we hear both sides.

The posters who are rolling their eyes and saying that it is ridiculous to fall out 'over a cup of tea', are really misrepresenting the issue which is the behaviour of an an overbearing FIL who insisted on putting his grandchildren in harm's way just to assert his authority.

Posters who have said that it is the parents' responsibility to safeguart their children, not FIL's, are ignoring the information in the OP where it is clearly stated that FIL's outburst was prompted by OP telling her small children to keep away from the cup of hot tea and her DH moving the cup of tea out of his children's reach. They took responsibility to protect their children and were harangued and shouted at.

You shouldn’t be forced to spend time with people just because they are your husbands parents. He sees them at theirs or out or at yours when you are not in. There’s plenty of scope there for him to have a good relationship with them.
What your dh doesn’t like is he’s now having to deal with the crap that was previously being directed at you. But he also has a choice in how he manages it.

He wants you to back down because that’s the easier solution. Sit him down and be clear, you are happier without them in your life so no you won’t be changing anything. Remind him he can choose himself how much contact he has with them. It’s not nice that they are making him unhappy but remember it’s them creating the problem not you.

The tea incident and how your FIL reacted would be enough for me to tell him to sod right off! And you say you've had ten years of this?

Your DC as they get older will see the way they act towards you and that's not ok.

Your DH needs to realise that they are toxic and you and DC come first.

Stand your ground OP.

Likewise, deeply irresponsible to be egging on the angle that OP is being ridiculous and needs to let it go because you’re projecting your SIL on to her in most posts.

No it isn't. It sounds like her husband is perfectly capable of taking care of his children around his parents. If she were actually concerned about their safety rather than her own ego she would want to supervise them herself when they are with their grandparents.