I have gone NC with PIL and feel great. DP is sad.

[amispeakingintongues]

NC with them for last 7 months, and have felt huge relief. I don’t let them in my house anymore, at least while I am here. Kids are welcome to see them whenever but I don’t trust PIL to look after them unattended because;

FIL shouted at me/ us in his house over the fact I gently reminded my own children (ages 1 and 3) to be careful of the boiling hot cup of tea stupidly placed by MIL on a side table right behind them. He heard me say this, then spat out “No what (dc) needs to do is go next door to get his snack)”. I was taken aback by this blatant undermining but ignored it as he’d already been rude to me over something else and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of a response. 30 secs later, my partner walked in, saw the hot tea. Without a thought, he moved it immediately and the unhinged outburst from FIL went something like “NO DON’T MOVE MY TEA. YOU DON’T CHANGE EVERYTHING YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS THEY MUST BE TAUGHT TO AVOID THINGS” (again, kids are 1 and 3) to which I managed to reply, whilst stunned “They are my children and they are so little, if I see something dangerous I will protect them” - and he replied “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN WHEN I’VE HAD X5/6/7” (he’s estranged from half his kids all with different mothers so)
… afterwards I just found the car keys and politely asked MIL (who heard all of this and didn’t say a thing) to let me out the house. I sat in the car and burst into flames (and tears). Never seen them since.

Some context: They felt (their own words) that I wasn’t good enough for their DS when we met over 10 years ago. Since then their opinion according to my DP has changed, and they apparently think i’m a good mum to their grandkids etc but never once have they said anything positive about me to my face about my character or anything that made me feel genuinely liked and respected, rather than tolerated. Even though I have bent over backwards in my people pleasing ways cooking, hosting, long heart to hearts with MIL, taking her out on lunches, taking the kids to see them etc, there has always been an undercurrent of disdain towards me. Which has worn me down in more ways than i can explain in one post.

Anyway. My DP is getting pressure from them to nip this all in the bud whilst maintaining they absolutely will not apologise to me. And that somehow, I am in the wrong. DP disagrees with them but that doesn’t change much because they are withholding attention/love/affection which is upsetting him. This master manipulation is no surprise but my DP is not well attuned for seeing this for what it is. DP wants me to put it all behind me for his sake, just so they can come to the house. I don’t want to not uphold my new found boundary but also don’t want DP feeling upset. I know i’m not being petty, just feeling like I don’t know what’s best in the long run.

Ok. But I am not your SIL so you can relax. I know you want me to convince you of my innocence in all this but I’ve spent 10 years explaining myself and look where that got me.

Well if I am I am obviously a decent person as I have encouraged op to talk to her DH to understand her side and encourage this to be done calmly and avoid fighting. I have also explained to the op that none of this will be easy for her DH and the damage abusive relationships can do and time it takes to try and heal.

Given what I’ve seen of your posts your obviously one who knows it all based on someone’s say so. No one knows it all, all anyone can do on these threads is post comments relating to the information given, I very much doubt anyone really believes they are getting the full facts based on one persons version of events.

Maybe if what your reading is too distressing because you don’t like what you are seeing you shouldn’t read them.

This FIL is Nasty bully of man who deserves everything that’s coming to him.

He risked a 1 year old and 3 year old getting scolded
when op and her dh went to prevent this , they were verbally abused!
On what planet should this man be allowed round small children??
I remember the first time I put a mug of tea too near the edge of the kitchen side and my small nephew , reach up and grabbed it with both little hands, and it spilled all over his hands - luckily it had gone cold - I was horrified about what I’d done ( not used to mobile toddlers - my sister was really good , but I was super diligent after that.
Nc all the way op.
you reap what you sow FIL.

Yes, "decent person" is definitely the vibe that comes across from your horrible post.

The 'cup of tea' incident would be a reason to go no contact for a lot of people though. OP's FIL was angry about her telling her children to be careful not to go near the boiling cup of tea and then when her husband came in and moved it, it prompted the unhinged tirade from her FIL. He was actively putting his grandchildren in harm's way and shouting at OP and her DH because, apparently, it's poor parenting to move a boiling hot cup of tea from the vicinity of small children as the only way they will learn is to have third degreee burns at the ages of 1 and 3.

I'm not sure why OP's FIL's behaviour is being excused and OP is the bad guy. You have decided that OP isn't being truthful but I'm not sure which part of her post you think is made up.

I literally don't know anybody in real life, except evidently my sociopathic SIL, who would go no contact over a cup of tea.

It's the parents' job to keep their children out of harm's way. If the OP was actually concerned about that, it would make far more sense to have the grandparents visit them in their home, which is set up for kids, and she would stay to supervise. The fact that she's fixating on them apologising to her and not wanting to let them in "her" home (regardless of how her husband feels about that) suggests to me that the cup of tea incident is just a Mumsnet dog whistle to get everyone to say that she is YANBU.

No, your home should be your safe space. No one gets to bring someone who makes you feel unsafe into your safe space. He can go to theirs.

Surely OP's DH moving the cup of tea is keeping his children out of harm's way? Neither of them told FIL to move the tea. OP told her children to be careful and keep away from it and her DP moved the drink to a safe place. If FIL hadn't started shouting about it, I doubt that OP would have made this post.

OP isn't your SIL. I think that OP was reasonable and her FIL is an abusive arsehole. I do feel sorry for her DP who is stuck in the middle but OP isn't stopping her DP or her children seeing her PILs. She just doesn't want to sweep it all under the carpet and pretend that it never happened. She has put up with their disdain for 10 years. She is now drawing a boundary.

'Going no contact over a cup of tea' implies that it is a petty argument about a cup of tea (e.g. not the right strength, too much sugar, not their turn to make the tea), not that it was an incident that deliberately put small children in harm's way.

She very much reminds me of my SIL though, which is why I'm not inclined to believe her.

I think it's the thread title. You shouldn't feel great about going NC with your in laws and knowing that your other half is upset about it. Even if there is a good reason for it, which I don't think is the case here, it should trouble you.

She very much reminds me of my SIL though, which is why I'm not inclined to believe her

The massive, glaring difference, is that, although the OP has dropped contact with the PIL, her partner and their children are maintaining a relationship. nothing like your SIL

OPs happy. He's not. Op is troubled that he's upset, enough to post on here. Its possible for all to be the case.

Tbh your assertion that the OP "reminds" you of your SIL is so ludicrous, it makes me feel sorry for your Sil. Id like to hear her version...

Wow!
Delighted to read you are not married.
So much easier to pull away.
I would not marry such a man from such an awful family.

The amount of women who regret marrying into a toxic set up, naively thinking it is nothing to do with them.

You are not married.
His family are jack shit to you.
You have no need to have tolerated this for a minute.
Why are you marrying?
Spending money on family like that?
A scummy FIL whom doesn't speak to most of his children by multiple women.

THEY are low class.
THEY are not good enough for YOU.

Please put that wedding on hold, completely cancel.

All that does is bring further ties and complications to your life.

We are here for you.
Post away.

In fact his sadness at your boundary and lack of contact with his family is the perfect excuse to take marriage off the table.
Be honest. His family are toxic. You tried. You tried TOO hard, considering just how toxic they are. YOU are done. YOU will never be around them again. YOUR children will be protected from HIS parents.

YOU no longer believe marriage is in YOUR best interests.

If he really loved you he would have protected you years ago. He would have sorted his family out.
He didn't. He put his family first. He put himself first.

Now YOU have decided to put YOURSELF first.
Marriage is no longer in your best interests into such a toxic family.

OP I have been in a similar situation and went down a similar route - I just couldn't cope with them anymore. OH was free to take kids to visit as long as he stayed with them - and did Sunday mornings for a while when they were younger. This gradually wore off as the kids got older and chose for themselves. It's been over 20 years now and things have mellowed - I did get an apology about 5 years ago but the relationship was broken. They are invited to special occasions and I will be polite but that's it. OH visits probably monthly and talks on phone. Children are adults now so eldest visits 3/4 times a year and the youngest doesn't. Although it has been hard at times it was the best decision I made.

I'd like you to hear her version too because it's absolutely batshit.

Can you please explain what is exactly horrible?

All of it, really, but the suggestion that the OP should tamper with her husband's phone, and inciting her to stop her children having any contact with their grandparents at all were particular lows.

You are wonderful OP! I really mean that! You are handling these weird people bleating “what about my SIL” with absolute grace.

You mean showing her husband what toxic abusive parents look like without it coming from her so he can spot the signs himself, no different then leaving a few pamphlets around about std’s and domestic abuse in the old days. And keeping children away from aggressive abusive adults who don’t care about the safety of children. Ok then 🙄

So he knows what utter shits they've been but he still wants you to put up with it for his/their sake?

Nope.

Don't let him turn you into the bad guy, OP.

If they hadn't acted badly there wouldn't be barriers in place.

You, as a grown up don’t have to spend your free time with people you don’t wish to, for whatever reason regardless if your reaction is proportionate or not.
I wouldn’t ban them from the house but I wouldn’t plan on being there or if I was there, I would be polite but I wouldn’t be fawning over them providing cups of tea and food, that’s your DP’s job if he has invited/agreed for them to come over.
I wouldn’t arrange visits, contact etc but leave all your IL visits to your DP to arrange and be present for. He sounds fully switched on with any potential hazards as he moved the tea in the initial incident.
I don’t have a problem with my IL, but they are a little self centred. After trying to facilitate visits and realising that our children were being seen less and less because their own daughter had had children since ours arrived I simply gave up. I don’t phone them, arrange for them to come over for tea etc and because I stopped making any effort, that side of the family have probably seen our children twice in the last 9 months despite being only 20 mins away. I don’t prevent them from seeing them, coming over or joining us for activities, I just passed any organising for that side over to my DH to sort and he doesn’t….

It seems fair to be honest.

DH is rightly upset. It is an upsetting situation…

As Long you don’t prevent anyone to see anyone they want but it only is you that declines…well…they had it coming when he shouted. Maybe rethink things later on when you feel less disrespected and put down boundaries with them…
”I will not be shouted at, if it happens again I will take the children back home and we won’t be back shortly only when you accept you don’t raise your voice again to any of us.”

You do need to protect the children…

I don’t think he should have shouted at you but it is a generational difference. Personally I agree it’s sensible to move hot drinks and warn children, but he’s from a different generation. I hate to say it but I’m guessing there may be a back story here where perhaps you’ve been OTT about safety and he’s lost his cool (excuse the pun) over something which is common sense.

I have batshit in-laws with bells on but they are entitled to hold opinions that differ from mine. They produced my DH between them and I live him so I put up with them and managed to actually cater about them despite their extended eccentricities ( and I mean them going NC for 10 years because I was not good enough for their son and he married me against their wishes plus disinheriting him for doing so) but we persevered and eventually found a way to spend time together and he was at his mum's bedside as she was dying and he has n no regrets and understands some of their difficulty with relationships was the way they were raised.
If you live DH and this is making him sad,I would try and find a way to rise above it. Your anecdote does not sound that awful compared to many in law experiences

A hot cup of tea could do horrible damage to a young child and the fact that he thinks a 1 year old could learn to avoid one rather than moving it out of reach is ridiculous.

I suffered for over 40 years with a spiteful, malicious, manipulative MIL and BIL (FIL, a good man, died early in our relationship). Against that background, please put your foot down now. Set your boundaries now, with them and your husband. I would be a very different person had I not spent most of my adult life trying so hard, bending my head, ignoring it all for the sake of my husband and a quiet life. It is not about joint ownership - this is nonsense. All the family must feel safe and comfortable and respected in their home, not on edge. And nobody's wishes should override that. That's paramount.

And this can put a lot of strain on an otherwise good marriage. When you realise your husband would throw you under a bus rather than take responsibility for addressing you being treated badly...

Hello? Im 65 and wouldn’t shout at an in law, or in front of small children. Generational divide my left foot.