I have gone NC with PIL and feel great. DP is sad.

[amispeakingintongues]

NC with them for last 7 months, and have felt huge relief. I don’t let them in my house anymore, at least while I am here. Kids are welcome to see them whenever but I don’t trust PIL to look after them unattended because;

FIL shouted at me/ us in his house over the fact I gently reminded my own children (ages 1 and 3) to be careful of the boiling hot cup of tea stupidly placed by MIL on a side table right behind them. He heard me say this, then spat out “No what (dc) needs to do is go next door to get his snack)”. I was taken aback by this blatant undermining but ignored it as he’d already been rude to me over something else and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of a response. 30 secs later, my partner walked in, saw the hot tea. Without a thought, he moved it immediately and the unhinged outburst from FIL went something like “NO DON’T MOVE MY TEA. YOU DON’T CHANGE EVERYTHING YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS THEY MUST BE TAUGHT TO AVOID THINGS” (again, kids are 1 and 3) to which I managed to reply, whilst stunned “They are my children and they are so little, if I see something dangerous I will protect them” - and he replied “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN WHEN I’VE HAD X5/6/7” (he’s estranged from half his kids all with different mothers so)
… afterwards I just found the car keys and politely asked MIL (who heard all of this and didn’t say a thing) to let me out the house. I sat in the car and burst into flames (and tears). Never seen them since.

Some context: They felt (their own words) that I wasn’t good enough for their DS when we met over 10 years ago. Since then their opinion according to my DP has changed, and they apparently think i’m a good mum to their grandkids etc but never once have they said anything positive about me to my face about my character or anything that made me feel genuinely liked and respected, rather than tolerated. Even though I have bent over backwards in my people pleasing ways cooking, hosting, long heart to hearts with MIL, taking her out on lunches, taking the kids to see them etc, there has always been an undercurrent of disdain towards me. Which has worn me down in more ways than i can explain in one post.

Anyway. My DP is getting pressure from them to nip this all in the bud whilst maintaining they absolutely will not apologise to me. And that somehow, I am in the wrong. DP disagrees with them but that doesn’t change much because they are withholding attention/love/affection which is upsetting him. This master manipulation is no surprise but my DP is not well attuned for seeing this for what it is. DP wants me to put it all behind me for his sake, just so they can come to the house. I don’t want to not uphold my new found boundary but also don’t want DP feeling upset. I know i’m not being petty, just feeling like I don’t know what’s best in the long run.

OP's husband doesn't appreciate her response though. If he wants a relationship with his parents, and for them to see his children, it's not for OP to make that impossible.

OP needs to stop ranting, and to have a conversation where they both listen to each other, have some empathy with each other, and come to an agreement on how to move forward in a way that isn't destructive.

I’ve been no contact with my PIL for 2.5 years. It’s not the easy route and I wish at times we could all be civil as logistically it’s difficult.

Fortunately for me DH was completely on my side for going NC and wishes he didn’t have his ‘Catholic guilt’ to also go NC. He’s extremely LC - seeing them a handful of times a year at special occasions/least time as possible.

When they came over to visit the baby I sat upstairs the whole time but that’s because she was BF/wanted to be at hand incase it all kicked off. DH made the decision he feels more comfortable meeting them in a neutral location now and that way he can make a quick exit/no awkwardness of me getting stressed before they arrive.

But my in-laws did a string of things that were truly unforgivable. Borderline abusive people.

What I say as somebody who is NC (it’s very easy for mumnetters to throw around the term) is that it’s difficult. Working out plans at Xmas/birthdays. What will DH do on his big birthday. I miss out on seeing the rest of the family. I wish I could support DH. We haven’t thrown the likes of gender reveals/birthday parties and even a christening because the whole situation is so explosive. Just something to consider.

I had awful PILs and my ex was a complete wet wipe when it came to dealing with them. If I had my time again I'd work on my boundaries and then enforce them calmly but relentlessly. No crying in the car, but instead calling out their behaviour, their rants, their manipulations, their unkindnesses. Every single time. It's a war of attrition. Make sure you win. But keep it calm. Be a role model for your children in not taking people's crap.

Similar to previous poster I am the unfortunate offspring of a batshit mother. My lovely DH has done very well to keep himself together, remain polite and gracious over the years with some of the absolute bile that she has spouted forth.

I can't possibly explain the immense relief to both of us that came when we went completely NC. If she had ever dared to shout at my DH or to tell us how to raise our children it would have been a lot sooner - as it was, it was a slow attrition followed by a final straw.

I hear you OP. Stand by whatever makes you happy.

Agree some discussion needs to happen because from the OP, the DH is just saying “tough shit. Get over it to make me happy”. He’s equally making it impossible for her

Annoying In-laws kind of come with the territory of being in any sort of long term relationship I’m afraid. Of course some people are very lucky but most of us suck it up for the sake of our spouses and kids. I’m sure if you looked at your own family through a magnifying glass there would be things that aren’t perfect.
The alternative is a world of pain for your husband and kids - I speak from experience here. It’s a really horrible situation to be in so although it might be a convenient way out for you, please just think about the impact on everyone else before you go down this road.

@saraclara you are assuming the parents will listen. My own FIL shouted at me me "end of discussion" when we were talking about something he had done and he was putting my toddler child's safety at risk. There was no discussion he was willing to have. This from a man who literally was the typical 1970s Dad, went to work, came home, read the paper, never changed a nappy, never cooked a meal, never looked after his children. That was what his wife was for. His meek, wouldn't say boo to a goose, lovely wife.

Plus my own parents dragged me to see my unhinged abusive Grandparent. I wish they hadn't exposed us to that toxic name calling woman. But you know, family and all that.

If my dh banned my parents from coming to our house, I’d go ballistic. If they come, and you don’t want to see them, just take yourself out, or into another room. I can see they’re a PITA, but they’re your dhs parents, who I guess they must have raised to be a decent human being if you’ve chosen to marry him.

I’d let them come to the house - but not see them yourself. Go out, as long as your DP is goign to look after the kids properly without being distracted by twats who don’t seem to understand the danger of hot drinks or the consequences of being so shitty to you for a decade

I would try to get your DP to understand that they’ve been shitty to you for 10 years and enough is enough.

Even if say for example, your parents had behaved appallingly to your DH? Would you still go ballistic then?

People should feel safe in their own home, and that includes excluding toxic people from being in their safe space.

My inlaws have never been in my home. My DH supports this because they bullied me to the point we both considered suicide.

You misunderstood my post. I meant a calm discussion between OP and her husband to find a way forward that isn't just OP denying her DH the right to have his parents visit.

@saraclara sorry, I did misunderstand. The thing is the FIL put the children at risk. Personally because FIL doesn't see a problem with what he did I wouldn't want my children to be around them without me there unless the OP's partner can stand up to his parents. It doesn't sound like he can stand up to them.

@nomas Just because the grown man acted badly does not mean that everyone around also has to behave childishly. The safest place for the children to see their grandparents is in their own home with their own father.

My MIL was much worse to me that this, never tried to stop dh seeing her and let her see her grandchild.

So OP is supposed to go back to cooking and hosting for these twats?

They just want a skivvy.

OP has ‘when I’m not there’, so clearly PIL have visited the house.

I suspect what’s annoying PIL is that when OP is out the house, there is no skivvy cooking and hosting for them.

They wouldn’t behave appallingly because I’d have his back without the need for excluding them from our home. It does sound like your situation was far worse if you say you contemplated suicide. The issues with OP’s PIL don’t seem to occur at her house, just at their’s, so why not just accept them to hers, and just don’t visit them at their home, where all the drama seems to happen.

Absolutely disagree that dp has a right to invite them round regardless of how the OP feels. If posters are going to make the point of it being a shared house, then why would his pov outrank hers, when she is the one who has been so disrespected? DP doesn't actually disagree with the OP - he's just more affected by the fear, guilt and obligation!

In OP's shoes, I wouldn't have them in my house either. I might agree to meet them on neutral ground, like a cafe or park, but at the first sign of rudeness or undermining, me and the kids would be off! DP needs to be supportive of OPs right to respect and if he lets his parents treat her like shit because he wants an easier life, then he's as much of a problem as the in-laws!
OP is right not to fold.

These people expect OP to cook and host them and yet at their house, OP isn’t even allowed to mention that a cup of hot tea is in the wrong place.

Why on earth should OP continue to cook for them and host them? Fuck them.

Or maybe he's a decent human being despite being raised by them. I think the "well he turned out nice enough for you so they can't be that bad" argument is a bit unfair on those who have difficult or abusive or narcissist, selfish parents.

And I also sort of feel like anyone in a home should get power of veto for any particular visitors, if them coming into your safe space is likely to cause significant anxiety and stress (whether you're there or forced to go out to avoid them). She's not stopping her husband from seeing them, or having a relationship with them, I don't think? And given that they'd apparently rather be "right" than move a scalding cup of tea to protect a baby, as any sensible and sane person would do, I'm not sure I'd be that desperate to facilitate contact with their grandkids for fear of one of my children being seriously harmed by their stupidity.

How about some explicit boundaries? Eg they are allowed to visit on a trial basis? During this trial if they are expected to be polite, helpful and respect as any adults should be. If they prove unable to act in an adult way they have predefined consequences.

Hosting and cooking for them isn’t needed though. The most I’d do is make them a drink, as long as they put the drink safely out of the reach of the children. OPs house, OPs rules, so it’s easier to stipulate rules when it’s on your own turf. Family fallouts are draining and are rarely worth the effort of continuing them long term. It’s easier just to be low contact than no contact.

I haven't seen my in-laws since last Christmas and have no intention of seeing them ever again. Awful parents to my husband, have always treated me with disdain, totally ignored my own wonderful parents the first time they met them, did the same on our wedding day and pretty much pretend my daughter doesn't exist while showering other grandchildren with love. Have plenty of time to swan around the world though on fancy holidays. Tried once more last year to be civil but never again. Agree with a pp that those rushing to defend your in laws have never been on the receiving end of this treatment. It's so liberating when you finally decide: never again. Honestly stand your ground and I'm sorry they've made you feel like that. It's humiliating and you deserve better.

But there shouldn’t be a safety issue if in your own home. OP can set the rules - no hot drinks at children level for example. Sounds like the main issues regarding safety are at the in-laws house, where it’s probably harder to be assertive.

I really don’t think there’s some magical forcefield around the OP’s house where the FIL isn’t a dick and respects her parenting and/or where the DP gets a spine when it comes to his parents.

I genuinely really appreciate these replies. I was actually very nervous to post this but glad I did. This has been very eye-opening for DP who was in denial of the batshit underhanded behaviour for YEARS until it blew up in his face. But to be honest, even now, I don’t think he wants to believe it is personal, even though it is. This incident was merely the tip of the iceberg.. He was very close to MIL and he’s very triggered by her being upset, so he’s desperately scrambling for ways to make things right and me bending is the only way he can make things better. Equally he has no idea why they refuse to apologise and disagrees with them. I am discombobulated just thinking about it. Good to hear all perspectives on the home/ boundary thing, I do like the trial period someone suggested… although not sure PIL would even want to come over if I told them it’s a trial so could be a win win!? They literally hate feeling like they are not in complete control / or being judged in any way at all.