Teacher asked who chose the pink bottle....

[Caszekey]

Ok, so it's more aibu to allow / encourage this behaviour.
Fairly identifiable so here goes.
5 year olds twin boys, both have long hair like their Dad which I put up for school. Ones favourite colour is pink. Both adore Frozen so wanted the dress up dresses (Kristoff is a minor character). Last WBD they dressed as Goldilocks and Red Riding Hood (bear, wolves are minor characters). School have jokingly passed comment previously about pink bobbles etc but today I was asked, incidentally, if I chose the pink bottles or them, do I pick costumes etc.
I don't know if she's curious or implying I'm doing something wrong but it's got me second guessing

The choices are child led and I reckon they'll age out of them but I don't want to pull the "boys don't do that" line when girls have so much fun.

So aibu to allow them to pick so freely ? We've not yet encountered a request for a dress for general living, just they like to be Princesses!

Well people will be wondering. 🤷‍♀️ Personally I think its our job as parents to protect kids from social suicide and to make sure they know they can dress up but can’t ever change their sex. And not to intentionally trans them. It does seem a bit coincidental that both your boys are picking “girl” things so given the society we live in, why would you not expect questions?

I think it’s fine to let them choose. It’s also normal in the society we live in for people to wonder and better to actually ask you than speculate behind your back.

No YANBU at all. I know two little boys who loved dressing up as Elsa, I think it is fairly normal for them to just identify with the main character and they are not hung up on gender at an early age. I would actually have a serious talk to the school about this. Of course they should not be shamed for choosing pink things, and it would not be good if the school is subtly sending out messages that 'pink is for girls, blue is for boys' etc.

I think at 5 it’s fine. Although people will find it strange as it breaks gender norms.

Yeah I agree sorry... Nothing wrong with not limiting them and I have a straight male friend whose favourite colour is pink. But there seems to be a lot of exclusively feminine-associated colours, costumes, hairstyles. Do they have any friends or family that are young boys? Read stories with male protagonists?

There's me making sure my son reads enough stories about strong and complex women, I can't imagine struggling to find male-centred stories or films 😂

Society invented gender stereotypes, girls aren’t born wanting to be princesses and wear dresses and boys aren’t born wanting to play with cars and wear jumpers with dinosaurs on. Boys wanting to wear pink or have long hair doesnt make them any less male.

Let them make their own choices and keep the conversation open with them if they get any comments.

I also feel that the answers you get on mumsnet are likely to be quite conservative on the gender front, so I would not be swayed by commenters insinuating you should be bringing your boys to up to be more stereotypically boyish.

Pink is just a colour. DS2 went through a phase of loving pink at primary school. DD, incidentally, has always preferred green or blue.

I wouldn’t have encouraged my DSs to wear princess dresses to school TBH, purely because of how mean other children can be sometimes. I wouldn’t have stopped them playing dress up at home though.

What’s wrong with long hair like all the classic rock stars and loving Elsa like all the best male musical stars?!

as long as the children and the teachers know full well they’re both male there’s not a huge issue here.

age 6-7 they tend to be more peer influenced

keep drag out if their lives as it’s adult entertainment. They may both be headed for stage school though!

I would have nudged DS towards wolf or bear rather than goldilocks or red riding hood.

They're just checking you're not using them as some sort of poster boys for being a 'cool right-on' mum that's all.

Maybe one or both of them gave the impression they'd rather not dress as female characters anymore.

Or maybe they didn't but they still wanted to check.

Not a big deal either way.

Surely you can see why it would raise eyebrows for both of your boys who already have long hair to so frequently be seen choosing to wear dresses and have pink accessories.

There's nothing wrong with these options but there's also nothing wrong with them choosing other options too and whilst you might think you're letting them have the choice I would wonder if you were unintentionally steering them to those choices to make them stand out more.

Also, in Victorian times, boys wore pink and girls wore pale blue. It’s a cultural thing that’s now heavily gender stereotyped

I think the opposite and mumsnet is more supportive of long hait/pink for boys than society in general. Though personally I think there should be no such thing as boy/ girl clothing.

I disagree.

I've been on Mumsnet for over 16 years and the general feeling has always been that if your daughter dresses as a pink sparkly princess, you've spectacularly failed.

If your son does the same thing (bonus points for wanting to attend school in said princess outfit), you're smashing the whole parenting thing.

I don't know why you would put pink hair accessories in their hair. We know quite well that anyone can wear what they want, but we also know that people are accustomed to seeing pink hair accessories in girls' hair. So the choice is going to attract comments, rightly or wrongly.

Neither my DS or DD had long hair at 5. Pain in the arse to deal with - gets in food, needs more washing brushing arsing about with - so yes I'm afraid I would wonder why you do it. My DS had his hair very short so it didn't even need brushing and my DD had hers in a short bob so it needed minimal brushing and couldn't get in food etc and didn't need putting in hairbands or clips. Minimal stuff needed, minimal time needed.

Bluntly, people are probably thinking you wanted 2 little girls and that you are cosplaying. So, up to you whether you let that carry on. You can't control what people think, even if you can pull them up for voicing it.

Lots of football strips are pink these days

Id guess she is wondering if your forcing boys into your choice of costumes and buying pink bottles and making them wear their hair long
(Yes there are parents out there that do it)

In general people have very limited thinking and they react in hugely simplistic ways. One friend of a friend made a very big deal about my 1 year old DS having a pink cup. It's so disappointing when someone is like that - it's like them revealing they are racist - you can't unknow it about them. Unfortunately limited thinking about gender stereotypes is more widespread and acceptable to express than racism so when you have a child who doesn't fit rigid gender norms people will reveal their simplistic thinking much more frequently and freely. It really narrows the pool of people you can trust and admire. I can't think about it too much because it makes me too sad.

I’d be wondering as well. Very much a coincidence that both boys are in to girly stuff and pink. I think it’s being pushed on to them (maybe unintentionally) but definitely swayed

Despite my name this sort of crunchy parenting makes me roll my eyes.

Young children only have a preference when given a choice and there are many things that young children don't need to be given a choice about.

I imagine eventually we will end up with a whole generation of children who aren't used to being told no and it doesn't bode well.

Id wonder why the teacher was asking, it's not a big deal at that age both my DSs liked pink tutus n stuff at that age as "girls stuff is way cooler".

id be a bit wary the teacher is thinking they might want to trans and will start asking them if they think they are girls. IME some teachers can get a bit excited over this and try to push it 🙄

Its fine as long as you are not subconsciously nudging them towards stuff you like/approve of.

No, you’re not being unreasonable to let them pick so freely…it’s a very different world at school now to the one we attended. But yeah, agree with a pp - sounds like they’re just checking in to see whether you’re consciously steering their choices rather than letting them pick.

Always confuses me when people do that judgement thing though. I hated dolls and pink and ballerinas and dresses when I was a kid - I was a proper tomboy and no-one batted an eyelid. No-one would now at a 5yo girl who was the same. But when a boy wants to wear a dress and wear pink bobbles in their long hair, it’s somehow weird or ‘social suicide’.

How about we just normalise it like we have the other way and stop worrying so much about this shit?

I would consider it a straightforward question and answer directly and honestly. And then not give it further thought.