Teacher asked who chose the pink bottle....

[Caszekey]

Ok, so it's more aibu to allow / encourage this behaviour.
Fairly identifiable so here goes.
5 year olds twin boys, both have long hair like their Dad which I put up for school. Ones favourite colour is pink. Both adore Frozen so wanted the dress up dresses (Kristoff is a minor character). Last WBD they dressed as Goldilocks and Red Riding Hood (bear, wolves are minor characters). School have jokingly passed comment previously about pink bobbles etc but today I was asked, incidentally, if I chose the pink bottles or them, do I pick costumes etc.
I don't know if she's curious or implying I'm doing something wrong but it's got me second guessing

The choices are child led and I reckon they'll age out of them but I don't want to pull the "boys don't do that" line when girls have so much fun.

So aibu to allow them to pick so freely ? We've not yet encountered a request for a dress for general living, just they like to be Princesses!

FFS 🙄

It sounds like you’re desperately trying to make them look and behave like girls? Was there gender disappointment? Of course boys can like pink, of course they can have long hair, of course they can dress as little red riding hood or Elsa, of course they can love Frozen but did all those things just happen naturally with zero input or encouragement from you or your DP?

So if your son told you he was gay or (God forbid in your world) trans, would you reject him? Or love and support him unconditionally as a good parent should.

I hope if you do have a son that he has other strong role models in his life.

@TheNewWasp That is an intense comment. I have a similar aged child and would never ever consider telling them that some bad men dress up as women to hurt women...seriously WTF!

Dressing up and make believe is fun for children, who cares if they are doing it based on their gender or based on what stories they like. My DS loves pink too, and he thinks sparkly things are wonderful. He also loves dinosaurs, Spiderman, sports, etc. These things just don't matter long term and frankly, don't matter to other little kids either. Its a new generation of kids and its nice that children are able to pick what they want and like without worrying about the opinions of others.

So all those people who’ve had sex change operations…

My ds loved Mamma Mia & made his own dressing up from things I had stuffed in a box that I no longer used like the wrap I had with my wedding dress, scarves etc. He only identified as the female characters & loved doing all the dance routines from the film. He also had a doll's pram which he used to push his cuddly toys round in & a play kitchen which he played with much more than the work bench & garage his dad's family bought him, he flatly refused to wear the football kits they bought him & when he went to a football birthday party was found sat in the goal making daisy chains. He has a cuddly dog that went everywhere with him, no matter what the occasion, I've got pictures of when he was a page boy at his cousin's wedding stood on all the formal photos with his dog under his arm, he insisted we went to Build a Bear & bought him a matching suit & bow tie to wear.

Yes my ds is gay, but it has nothing to do with the fact he liked dressing up or playing with traditionally girls toys. Kids are only small once, let them find joy in whatever they want, this world is a shit place to live in as you get older, we maybe all should follow their example & possibly the world would be a better place for it.

And there lies the problem. We have a society of snowflakes and kids who haven’t been told no. Boys are growing up as soft arses and are not masculine at all these days and girls are just as bad because of attitudes like this. Boys are boys and girls are girls and trying to change that is why kids are feral and have mental health issues because it’s too confusing!

So you're saying instead of allowing our young children to learn about themselves and how to make choices, we should be stunting them by not giving them choices about inconsequential things like what they want to wear for world book day and what their favourite colour is?
Not sure why your name is crunchy mum, should be controlling mum. It's not like she's allowing the boys to decide if they want a bath, or to eat sweets instead of proper food 🙄

If I were the teacher I’d be concerned that the mum is trying to trans the kids, and do I need to call social services!

Edited to add: It could be perfectly innocent and perhaps the boys do have free choice (does that exist?!) but I would be asking some gentle questions.

Have altered their outward appearance and are probably taking hormones to maintain some physical changes, but they’re still exactly the same sex they always were, they’ve not changed it.

There have been studies showing that young male chimps prefer vehicle toys, and female prefer baby dolls. It is not an entirely socially constructed phenomenon, a lot of it is innate biological difference.

Gender critical means the opposite of what you're thinking, which is where your confusion lies - gender critical means accepting of biological sex differences but critical of gender roles (boys wear blue, girls wear pink).

Very true and a good point. Girls with boys' names, wearing conventional boyish clothes and having 'male' interests would be seen as fine, and even good. Not so with boys dressing like girls or having girly interests. I suppose it goes back to girls traditionally not being allowed to do what boys were allowed to do, but still raises the problem of the feminine seen as lesser than masculine.

We have some so far no one bats an eyelid with girls playing with and dressing in what may on the past have been seen as only for boys. But we have not yet come far enough to allow our boys to do the same. Girls are being encouraged in to STEM jobs but boys not yet being encouraged into caring jobs. Thank you for letting your boys be themselves. Hopefully they will inspire others to be the same and it will be acceptable both ways in the future. Let toys be toys and clothes be clothes. Colours are for everyone!

Your approach would risk giving your child the impression that all trans women are out to harm women. And that would be categorically untrue.

And you’ll have noticed all the stories on here of boys enjoying all sorts of costumes and toys without this creating confusion for them.

I also wondered about asking the teacher why they had asked, if you do want to know. It might’ve been a passing comment or there might’ve been a reason for it, in their own mind. I’d be interested in the answer.

Yes, because parents never do that. I mean imagine if they expected you to follow their religious beliefs…

Wrong thread

I thought those studies were shown to be inaccurate?

I think just answer and move along - most teacher appreciate no gender stereotyping kids, or at least they do in every school I've worked in. Unless you've got an old fuddy-duddy.

Some of these comments are hilarious! I wonder if they'd be saying the same about my 4yo's we have a girl and a boy 1 blended family but only a couple of months between them - am I supposed to restrict their dress up rack and only let my DSS wear the superhero stuff and only let my DD wear the princess stuff?! No thank you...they can wear whatever they want.

Did he ask for a pink bottle when she had one? yes. Did we get it? Yes.
Just like we got the blue shoes for her when his mother had sent him in some and she wanted the same...it's really not that big of a deal!

They absolutely take turns being Belle and The Beast and quite frankly it's hilarious! DSS was such a wilting flower when they met, DD is loud and adventurous, she's really brought him out of himself and he's far braver and louder than he used to be..,it's lovely to see. She also has moments of quiet and drawing that she wouldn't have without him - but people always assume the roles are reversed for some reason!

Keep doing you and letting them be themselves - pay no mind to those who force their own opinions and ideals on their children, if my eldest (15 DS) has taught me anything it's that my kids are a lot happier in their teen years when you're not constantly making them feel 'wrong' when they're little. So many of his friends don't like their parents - and I can't say blame them when I hear some of their opinions/ideals.

Or at least that they are not conclusive, and the results are likely to be highly context-dependent, with different contexts providing contradictory results.

only you know if you are truly being lead by them. They sound like fun, little boys with great imaginations. All that matters is are they happy/Healthy. If yes, Then who cares. They will either grow out of it or they won’t either way I refer back to the first sentence.

My bro & SIL allow their 2 to choose what they wear all the time, my nephew went through a stage of wearing skirts.. he’d wear these tutu style skirts to grandparents, to ball parks, days out etc!.. His parents just let him express himself and never discouraged it.. he’s 6 soon and has now stopped wearing ‘girls clothes’ completely.

I think year R is fine, and if they want to dress as female characters let them… but maybe next year in the run up to WBD encourage the reading of books like Jack and the bean stork, Charlie and the chocolate factory, where’s Wally, Cat in the hat etc…. My DD & her 2 friends had real fun going one year as cat in the hat… one being the cat, the other 2 thing 1 & thing 2!

It’s fine , absolutely fine .
you may find they change their minds as time goes on ?
eg long hair gets in the way of crafts , activities, sports and they decide they like a shorter cut .
my friends grandson wanted his hair very long and loose but changed his mind once he was 7

Oooh - you haven't read the studies have you!

The study actually showed that the female chimps also wanted to play with the vehicle toys (ie the ones with moving parts) but the male chimps didn't let them.

ie. the males bullied the girls away from the toys they were both interested in.