You need a good F***ing

[Searchingforananswer2023]

Background: Work full time 60+ hours a week and care for mother who is terminally ill. I have no existence other than work and care. No family support - totally isolated with parent.

I wanted to go to the cinema this week end, for various reasons relating to caring for her I cannot go. I commented that it was ridiculous that I have no time for myself. I find the last few years of care, cooking, cleaning, working mentally draining. I expressed the need for stimulation outside of what is becoming imprisonment. Her response 'you need a good f*ing.'

I am lost for words. I have had to walk away and come to bed.

Can someone please console me. I am trapped in this situation.

And the winner of most unempathic, insensitive, victim-blaming comment of the week goes to... 🙄

I get offered cold water therapy sessions for free, cinema trips etc. Honestly having your adult carer's assessment done opens up so many doors for support. Don't struggle on alone. I was relieved to tell the case worker everything and just let everything out. Say it like it is.

True, but other than a possibly poor choice of words she’s right isn’t she.

That would be it for me. You were understandably upset because you cannot have a few hours of joy away from her.

If this carries on you will collapse and then what?

I'd ring adult social care and tell them you will not do this any longer.

OP, big hugs to you. What a difficult situation. People who come from healthy home situations will not understand or believe it is possible for a mother to say these awful things to their child, and will try and justify it with dementia etc because it is so far away from their own framework. I believe you. Please try to find little balloons of oxygen here and there to keep you going, even if it is 5 minutes to walk in nature. Easier said than done.

Do you usually think you know more about other people’s sex lives than they do and decide to comment on it?

I’m really sorry, OP, about the number of people on here who are sleazily commenting about the veracity of your mum’s statement, it makes me think this place is too far gone at this stage. Hopefully you’re getting some useful support amongst the scummy replies. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

I agree. Nobody should be forced to devote their life for years on end to the care of a sick elderly parent.

I'm sorry @Searchingforananswer2023 that sounds a hideous situation (I'm in similar myself with elderly very difficult parent!)

I said to a pal the other day - MOST parents want the best for their kids.. My parent doesn't... He wants what is best for him... I'm working 15 hour days and the only escape I have from him, is physically going out.

What's kept me sane if trying to detach and plan an escape route.

Is she quite narcissistic? If so I do recommend watching Dr Ramani /Les Carter on YouTube.... They both address issues of parents like this

I'm so sorry for what she's putting you through. What a terrible thing for her to say - and then to double down on it by saying she doesn't give a f*ck. She's horribly abusive.
I've been/am a full-time carer (dementia, which makes people abusive though they may not intend to be). You are not obliged and cannot be forced to care for another person. Call Adult Social Care and tell them you can/will no longer care for your mother. You don't have to justify yourself. Just tell them you aren't doing it any more. It becomes their responsibility to ensure that she is cared for and safe. Move out, visit if you wish, don't answer all her calls and if you do, tell her, "Sorry, I'm not available to help right now." Pay no heed to the voices in your head and IRL trying to guilt trip you. You need to save yourself.

🙄 given I interpreted the poor choice of words that I referenced as being told she needs to get a life of her own…I can’t really answer but if someone posts about their life on an open forum asking for opinions I think anyone on that forum is entirely to comment, so take that however you want

Fully agree with all of this.

Oh yes people with good parents have no idea what it's like. My DMs every waking thought was herself and how she could get one over on anyone.

She was amazed how much I worried about my DS.

So now it's time that you think about yourself.

People are free to comment and others are free to judge that comment.

Well obviously, not sure what your point is.

She’s supposedly terminally ill and OP has been caring for her for ten years - how much longer is OP expected to continue with this?? Prognosis seems undetermined. And she has carers.

You need to arrange a carer for her, a professional one. Then withdraw and take your life back.

The lady hasn't reached pension age yet.

We are judging you harshly as the comment was both insensitive and revealed a crude and foolish person who is unable to recognize their offesnse.

You’ve no idea about people’s lives, someone may be asexual or have past sexual trauma.

Assuming that a woman just needs a shag so she can continue to be an unpaid carer is pretty gross.

It's not to so easy...At the back of your mind is always "What if...?"

One time - before his stroke - DH and I were on holiday in Italy. I phoned Mum and Dad to let them know I'd landed safely. Mum [tearfully]: "When are you coming home?"

After that, DH handled all the phone calls for the holiday. By the time DH had his stroke, though, there was no one else to run interference for me - and the phone calls weren't just from Mum.

One time, we had a well-needed break up in Aberdeen. (I booked an accessible room for DH and myself.) Mum was in respite for a few days.

DH was resting in the hotel while I had a wander down Union St. My mobile phone rang. The council care home. My knees buckled.

"Hi. Just to let you know that your Mum has a bit of a rash on her bottom, so we're applying cream..."

When you're an only child, it's very difficult.

As I’ve mentioned to another my interpretation is it was meant in a “get a life” sense, which OP also stated. As I said, it was a poor choice of words by the person that said.

I don’t see anyone being harsh, we’ve had a perfectly reasonable interaction, difference of opinion being dealt with like adults.

OP’s mum didn’t say ‘get a life’, she said ‘you need a good fucking’’ and you said she’s right. So not sure why you’re blaming a mystery person.

Oh OP, you sound trapped in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). You do not have to attempt to ‘make up’ for her early life experiences. Your life matters too. She sounds abusive.

You are still young. Please prioritise your life and happiness, allow others to help. It is also perfectly fine to walk away. This isn’t a life you’re living.