You need a good F***ing

[Searchingforananswer2023]

Background: Work full time 60+ hours a week and care for mother who is terminally ill. I have no existence other than work and care. No family support - totally isolated with parent.

I wanted to go to the cinema this week end, for various reasons relating to caring for her I cannot go. I commented that it was ridiculous that I have no time for myself. I find the last few years of care, cooking, cleaning, working mentally draining. I expressed the need for stimulation outside of what is becoming imprisonment. Her response 'you need a good f*ing.'

I am lost for words. I have had to walk away and come to bed.

Can someone please console me. I am trapped in this situation.

Hope you manage to get it all sorted op - you sound like a very loving and caring daughter. Wishing you all the best. 💜

Withdraw your care, to the amount you are actually comfortable giving.

That amount might be 0.

You do not owe her, and the fact she had a shitty childhood does not in any way EXCUSE her being shitty to you.

It may be the reason she struggles with some things, but that still doesn't excuse her being a cunt to you, particularly given you're actually supporting her now.

You don't have to do this. SS will make you think you do, but you don't. You don't owe her, she is not actually your responsiblity.

Step away.

Good luck going forward. Others informed me you have joint ownership of home. I hope you can detach from that too, especially if she is not on end of life. My two years as my father's live in (unpaid) carer nearly did me in. Thankfully I am through the other side now. But always please take care of number one. X

OP has joint ownership of her mums’ home. Stepping away completely could end up with her losing half of that to social services if her mum has to go into care as a result.

So sorry to read of what you're going through. It must be unimaginably difficult. I care for my Mum too, and she was never the easiest person, I put up with her controlling behaviour for years. I'm trapped too. I spent my 30s trying to extract myself, now 40 and still stuck. She has a long term progressive illness. I've had no life for many years. Sometimes I think I might never escape, until I get old, and never get the chance to live my life. Or if she needs a care home. My life is just work, and caring. No free time, never relax, no social life. No chance to make a family of my own. My heart is broken with how my life turned put. I hope things improve for you

You probably can't change your mother's attitude. She is terminally ill & probably has attachment issues from her own abandonment as a child.

Focus on the things you can change

60 hours work a week is too much. Cut back.

Call social care and work out a plan for getting your mum into a hospice.

Carve out time every week to do things for yourself

Find ways to engage with people away from your mum. Get lunch with a colleague, ring a old friend an arrange coffee, chat to a neighbour outside. Join a group or social activity.