You need a good F***ing

[Searchingforananswer2023]

Background: Work full time 60+ hours a week and care for mother who is terminally ill. I have no existence other than work and care. No family support - totally isolated with parent.

I wanted to go to the cinema this week end, for various reasons relating to caring for her I cannot go. I commented that it was ridiculous that I have no time for myself. I find the last few years of care, cooking, cleaning, working mentally draining. I expressed the need for stimulation outside of what is becoming imprisonment. Her response 'you need a good f*ing.'

I am lost for words. I have had to walk away and come to bed.

Can someone please console me. I am trapped in this situation.

I will do your posts have been very helpful with practical advice

I would argue that the small risk of a person who is already terminally ill catching Covid is easily outweighed by the benefit you would both get from the option of respite care.

This ^

OP this is such a sad post to read.
I opened it fully expecting it to be an ex partner or a random stranger in the pub but to hear those words from your mother.
FWIW one of my parents had a tough life which really didn't get easier over the years. And of course there was no such thing as therapy and not much self awareness either. But at some stage people have to take some responsibility for their own choices and actions and as my parent is now very elderly, I can feel sympathy for the hand they were dealt in life but I can no longer make excuses for how they speak to others.

If you were not around what would she do?

Presumably she would be put in a nursing home? Or care staff would have to go to her house and do some jobs? If there was too much to do they will highlight this and the next step will be discussed. Is this a possibility?

Blimey. That’s awful. I’m sorry OP. I wish I had something more useful to add.

If I was not here she would be in a home and she would fade away. It would not be the right environment for her and I say that with objectivity from what has been said to me tonight.

Things in the house have to change and I need more help.

Thank you everyone, this carer/worker has to go to bed now as I have a 5am get up tomorrow.

I will check in tomorrow and read any other responses

I’m going to do it:

Op use this as your reason to walk away or at least take a big big break and step back

This is not acceptable

Is it possible she was very hurt about you using the word imprisonment about how you feel about looking after her and she just lashed out with something to hurt you back?

Do you have support fom a carers centre? Ask for a Carers assessment from your local council
Tell your Mother getting time for a good fucking or indeed anything else has become impossible and you no longer consent to be being her sole carer then tell the Social Work Department Finally feel NO GUILT

❤️💐🙏

I just wanted to give my sympathies here ... it is really difficult to care for someone like that.

My own mother has been diagnosed with terminal cancer for 8 years, and during this time both her demands and attitude are just getting worse and worse. I could imagine my own mother saying something very similar, but that is the kind of person she has always been really. Her comments, whilst sometimes quite inappropriate, usually come from a place of love ... and frustration, though. She has very different ideas of how to portray 'love' than I have managed to teach myself. Yes, it is not easy to come to terms with this. Yes, I do still struggle a lot on an emotional level.

Whilst I agree that your mother's words were entirely inappropriate... could they perhaps have actually meant "you really should just go out and just enjoy yourself sometime" ?

Does she appreciate at all the impact that caring for her has on your social life?

I've never had to be a 'full-time carer' for my mum, and thankfully she is still able to wash and dress herself, but my fathers carers have added her to their list to check up on her when they are there. I don't live with her either.

You say carers come during the day whilst you are at work. Could it be arranged that they also come at weekends to allow you to go out?

Whilst not specifically 'caring', I spent many years trying to help both my parents when they first fell ill 8yrs ago (appointments, physio's, day-trips, odd-jobs, shopping etc..) that my own life seemed to get put on hold. COVID helped to give an excuse for a break, and then they moved a few villages away so we're no longer quit as accessible as '2 minutes walk away'. But I've still found it very hard to mentally and emotionally detatch.. Now, 8 years later, I am trying desperately to rebuild what I once had.

Please don't be another Me. You really do need to sort some additional help or respite. At home perhaps, if you feel a care setting gives increased risks? (ie. COVID etc..)

I would definitely investigate the Attendance Allowance though. My parents have never been 'high earners', but somehow seem to have wrangled no end of assistance. They get 'sits', where the carer basically just sits with them. And 'social hours' where they take them shopping or out for lunch etc..

Sorry, I will end my ramblings now, but I just wanted to send some support your way!

There's probably quite a lot of us on here that do. You are not alone.

I hope you do manage to get some time for yourself to do something nice. Can the council, NHS, or any charities provide a window of respite for you?

Get a grip redpeach!. It's a helluva thing for a mother to say to her imprisoned daughter.

Strange thing to say from your mum of all people! I had some really strange and inappropriate things said by my dad when mum passed and boy, I really didn't need to hear it so I sympathise.

But, as others have mentioned, please look into some sort of respite care. Caring for someone is probably the hardest of things and your mental state must also be cared for and as time goes on the level of care will be greater and so will your needs too. Even if it's a couple of hours that's a chance to get out and do something just for you.

The reason why she doesnt qualify for care home, hospice type things is probably because you are there doing it all. Why move her at a great cost when you do it all for free?

You need to take back a bit of control over your life, your wants and needs. Any person should be able to use their free will to go the cinema for a couple of hours. That is a normal simple thing. But in your situation you are made to feel like you cant.

You cant carry on like this because it wont end. And not to be insensitive but when your mother does die, it seems likely that you will continue to suffer, whether that is because of resentment, lack of motherly love and care.

What do you get out of this arrangement? Because its doesnt seem that you get much out of it other than suffering.

Once you work out what you want to do. Then go forward with how to achieve it. You cant waste your life being miserable because of a sense of duty.

Try googling your area "family carers charity" and age uk. See if theres a way to get some support there even if its just someone to talk to at first.

Look after yourself, you deserve to have a good quality of life

If you walk away, the council will have no choice but to find a way to extend their care arrangements. You don't need to be trapped like this.

OP, speak to Citizens' Advice about your financial situation before you speak to the council, given that you and your mother own the house jointly. What I've read online suggests that the council has discretion over how to treat joint ownership - you need advice from someone who knows more about the way your particular council operates.

If I'm reading things correctly, you're paying all the bills. I did the same with regard to my mum and my husband. With hindsight, it would have been more sensible to share costs more. Speak to Citizens' Advice about this - if you're paying for everything, it's giving a false picture of your mother's financial status. (I've just taken half a Zoplicone, so I may not be expressing things very well.)

You certainly do need a Carers' Assessment for your sake, but go into it fully informed.

My first thought reading your post is that this heartless response was a way of your mother deflecting any recognition that your situation had anything to do with her - that is that you feeling at the end of your tether was just the result of you not having a partner, and nothing to do with the impact of intensive caring.

I really agree with the other posters who have suggested getting in touch with your local carers' centre. If your mother does go into care (and in your position it couldn't come a moment too soon for me), then as a carer, the council have no right to try and use your home to pay for her care. Carers UK or Age UK will be able to explain the situation for you. Councils have really reduced support for carers but there are still things like a carers card (discounts at leisure centres etc) or carers direct payments for you.

Huge admiration for what you are doing!

I’m sorry OP, I can imagine it is a huge undertaking to look after your mum and then to hear this kind of talk from her is terrible. I think it would seem repetitive for both you and her maybe it is time to try to introduce some kind of health visitor to break up the monotony and give you some time back too.

I worked with a woman who took on caring for her elderly mum about 3 years ago (her sibling wasn’t interested in helping). She had to organise a huge range of things and do so much for her day to day it and it seemed she had little time for herself. Recently, her mum passed. I just wonder from all the stress she got from this, what impact it has now on her life. She seems isolated and unhappy at work. Just wonder especially in the older years when the mind and body start giving up (and we don’t know until it happens), there must be a limit to how much someone can give.

I am putting in plans and finances now for my DC to never have to care for me and DH in such a way. We agreed we will go into a facility as we both refuse to have our DC to have to care for us.

@redrose115 Caring does take its toll. I finished up being a carer to some extent for many years. It leaves you with no time for yourself and it does affect your ability to interact with people outside work, I've found.

I've been on my own for more than four years now. I do miss my parents and I miss my husband all the time. I'm now trying to find my way back into the world.

The OP is so young, she shouldn't be spending her life like this. I hope that she does seek out the support that she's entitled to.

I'm rambling a bit. I've taken half a Zoplicone. Haven't taken any for a while, but had it prescribed after DH died. One of the main problems of being a carer is that your sleep pattern gets mucked up.

My mom has just gone though a period of illness after losing my dad, problem is I am ill too struggled for a month going to hers everyday, then she says I do nothing for her. I have to put distance between her & myself she is just so mean, been put on steroids again she doesn’t like the fact my face has swollen up tells me I need to stop taking steroids, apart the fact I would go into renal failure.

i have had to put boundaries in place to protect me, she would let me wait on her otherwise. Now she knows what it feels like not to help her, yesterday screaming at me because her emails are down, told her it was her problem not mine. My BP is through the roof doesn’t matter when I tell her, she creates drama. You have to protect you. Just tell her you are taking her advice & looking for someone to fuck & she can sort herself out. See what she does then. Also might be worth to reach out to her GP if this behaviour is out of character.

Your mother may have a point OP. It does sound like you need one. Nothing wrong with it though.

@SpryZebra

Yes, I recognise this.

Mum moved in with us a couple of years after Dad died. (We needed to build on the appropriate accommodation.) I had all the evening and night time care for Mum and all of my husband's care. (He'd had a stroke, but was compos mentis.)

DH did his best but needed a fair amount of help and I had broken sleep every night since he got home from the stroke rehab ward.

I think I've confessed elsewhere on these boards that I used to fantasise about grabbing my beat-up old camper van, driving to London and getting a crummy bedsit and a job working on a market stall.

I still miss them, my husband most of all. It's been more than 10 yrs since Mum died, however, and I still get nightmares where I'm having to move and handle Mum or that she's had another fall...and then - God help me - I wake up and remember that no, I'm not having to take her to hospital or nurse her because she's gone.

I think that only those who have been through it really understand what it entails.

Right. I'm heading off to bed. I think that this half a sleeping tablet is kicking in. I hope that the OP gets the support that she deserves.

Leave her to it and go to the cinema. Then reevaluate whether it is sensible for you to continue to provide care. Where are you based? See if you can access a local unpaid carers support (lots of councils provide this service through arms length charities such as Imago) and ask for a carer's assessment, they should be able to raise a flag with social services that you are being harmed by your caring role, which will hopefully trigger a safeguarding evaluation for you and your mother, and some options for support or alternative care.